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Newest Member: MrsB (61169)

User Topic: Should triggers be avoided or confronted and dealt with?
♀ 42409
Member # 42409
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was watching the movie Valentine's Day with my 13 year old daughter a few days ago and hadn't seen the movie before. A scene comes on where this elderly couple are discussing sex with a teenage girl. The husband proudly tells the teenager that he and his wife have only ever had each other as sexual partners and that has been enough for them for over 50 years. This look comes across the wife's face and I already know where this scene is going. My husband (FWH) walks in and he has apparently seen this movie or maybe just this scene and tells me that he thinks I should stop the movie. I don't stop it as I figure I already know what is going to happen. As expected, the scene plays out with the wife admitting to the husband that she had had an affair many years ago. The husband is devastated and tells her that now their whole marriage feels like a lie.

I really relate to this story as it has many similarities to my own. Admittedly I've only been with my husband for 25 years, but he is the only man I have ever been with and when he told me just over 4 months ago that he had had an ONS ten years ago, I felt like my own marriage had all been a lie. For the first three months, even though I was committed to R, I struggled to think about or talk about our marriage in normal conversation as I didn't know what is was any more - I didn't know how to describe or quantify it to myself let alone anyone else.

So as expected, I became quite sad that night and my husband was a little frustrated with me as he really felt that I shouldn't have watched the scene as he had known that it would upset me. As I explained to him, I figure that life from this point on will always be filled with triggers and often there won't be the opportunity to avoid them as they will come from nowhere.

All the same, it got me to wondering, should triggers where possible be avoided? Or is it better to accept that they are going to happen and deal with them as they come up?

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kinda took triggers head on when I really started healing. I know sometimes it's difficult but it seemed to help me know that of I dealt with each one as it came up the next time I was faced with the same thing it wouldn't be as upsetting.
I would also focus on the changes and the way things were now and most of the time it was positive and we were in a good place so I could let it go.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 34030
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning I dealt with them and H listened to my frustration time after time and it suited him right. I do not trigger as much any more ans when I do, I keep quiet. No point in stirring the old pot any more. Things have been said over and over again. Time to let them rest now.

And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm facing D, and I think that triggers should be dealt with.

Life goes on, and dealing with these issues will help you heal and make you stronger!

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't hide from them. You just can't. As hard as it is, you have to face them. Because triggers will come and if you let every one of them level you, you'll be in pain for a very long time in a lot of places. You don't want to feel like you have to hide in your home for the rest of your life.

The good new is, that every trigger that you can face down will probably give you the ability to face another one and another one. And if you're like me, the impact will lessen over time and exposure.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9939 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 42409
Member # 42409
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. Appreciate the thoughts. Kind of supports what I was thinking.

Got around to watching the rest of the movie tonight and it was pretty unrealistic in how it all "resolved". Same day as the disclosure, wife tracks husband down and says that love isn't just about loving someone when it is easy, but loving someone with all their faults. (Not disagreeing with the sentiment, but...?) Husband instantly agrees, they kiss and dance the night away. Ahh, if only it was so easy!

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 6

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