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Lost...the years keep passing. 1,2,3..

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sunflowergirl30 posted 2/23/2014 09:48 AM

That just about sums it up...feeling lost. Its been quite awhile since I have been on SI..I had intended several times to leave my wh. Realizing his affair and subsequent behavior after the fact is something I will never get passed. I have not. I have been afraid. Excuses galore. My youngest daughters bulimia when I was ready to leave this last time. People around me say...oh the kids will be fine. Just divorce him. Well, my kids now 18 and 15 arent fine. Wh affair and stupidity over the last 4-5 yrs total has hurt them, changed them. My 18yr is doing better. She moved out after graduation....but my 15 is just as lost as I seem to be. The guilt I feel is huge. Wh is now on depression meds to cope with the aftermath and with life. Our 15 yr old daughter is angry. Constantly suspicious of her father. Yet she is afraid we will divorce. We are in foreclosure. That is another added stress. The guilt of that eats at me. Some days i wish i could just end my marriage...just walk away. People make it seem that simple. At least for me its not. It will be 4 yrs at the end of May. I was 33yrs old. Vibrant, content and now im 37 yrs old bitter, angry and untrusting of anyone. As i approach 40..i feel my time, my life running out. Not really looking for advice or any 2 by 4's...i have no one in my real life to talk to. I guess I'm just venting. The mow seems to think she just had a momentary lapse in judgement and i am the screwed up one not her. I wish her dead everyday for screwing my husband. I wish my wh dead 20times a day for what he did with her. How its ruined so much. How its changed our daughters. I have this heavy feeling inside. I cried everyday for 2yrs. The 3rd yr. not so much. Stuck in the angry phase. Angry at myself because i need to end this. Even if i end up living in a cardboard box. Im afraid.

Ivyivy posted 2/23/2014 10:42 AM

I hear everything you are saying. It sounds like you have been through hell and are unfortunately still there. From your post it sounds like you want to leave, like you know you should leave, but just cannot make the move. I am not there yet - a little newer to all this - but I realize how difficult it must be to make that decision and to act on it, especially if you do not have finances in order or the emotional support you need from friends/family outside the marriage. In order for your kids to be healthy, you have to be healthy. As hard as it is for children to go through their parents divorce, it is probably even harder for them to live with the unknown (will my parents get divorced) while watching their parents miserably going through the motions of being married. You need to focus on you first and what will make you able to live life again. In the end, the choice of leaving or staying is up to you. Whatever you choose, we will be here to listen and provide support.

SisterMilkshake posted 2/23/2014 10:51 AM

((((sunflowergirl30)))) I think of you often. I give you 2 x 4's because I care. I won't today. Just a hug and to let you know I think of you. When I think of you, I have hopes that you have moved forward and aren't stuck. *sigh*

sinsof thefather posted 2/23/2014 11:00 AM

I remember and think of you too. (((sunflowergirl)))

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 2/23/2014 11:02 AM

There is nothing like peace of mind. You have shouldered the burden of this for as long as you could. Finances work out. Family works out. If you know you need to move on just do it. I cant tell you its always easy, there were a few tough moments early on, but happiness isnt a commodity you can purchase at walmart. Itbeing true to yourself, your wishes, your ethics, your inner being. Knowing you were so violated and hurt and yet have done so much to be there for your kids and your wh doesnt make you bad for moving on, and one day that will show itself to you in many ways you cant imagine. Its okay to be scared, its natural

sunflowergirl30 posted 2/23/2014 11:12 AM

Thanks guys...Im a hot mess.

norabird posted 2/23/2014 11:44 AM

I know you want to protect your daughters. But don't you think limbo might make things harder on them than a divorce actually would?

Is there a counselor at DD15's school who she can talk to for support?

Also on the parents had a pretty good marriage and I still became anorexic at 18 and then struggling with binge eating for two years after. So don't blame your family situation alone for this, there might have been other stressors that still could have ended up there even without your WH's cheating. And now it's almost a decade later and I do not struggle (more than anyone else) with food/body issues at all. So while I know you are anxious and rightly so about DD please know it will eventually be water under the bridge for her too.

In the meanwhile you deserve to turn 40 in a happier situation free of this misery.


marionwendy posted 2/23/2014 11:57 AM

Im so sorry, you sound so unhappy. Its a feeling that just doesn't go away fast. Are there things you enjoy doing by yourself? can you start to try to do something new? something you have always thought about but never did? Do you like working out? Maybe an activity that you and your kids could do together? Kids pick up on our behaviors and it comes out in different ways. If you start to show them you are getting stronger day by day they will get stronger too. Your WH is not a nice guy! I would just do everything and anything without him. I wouldn't waste another day on him, you will leave one day when you are ready. But it truly sounds as though you have left him in your heart and in your head.

good luck too you and I hope you find your way to your happiness soon.

twokids posted 2/23/2014 11:58 AM

I can relate. I took the lead on reconciliation for 4 years. MC, IC, books, workshops and retreats, EMDR, ADs, journaling, self care, you name it. Somehoe I kept going in the face of numerous ddays and OW. Then there was the last straw, about a year ago, and I was done.

What a gift that last straw has been. Because I no longer love him as a wife loves a husband and I take comfort in the fact that he'll never get close enough to hurt me again.

Our relationship is a social-financial relationship that allows us to coparent effectively. We share a home, separate rooms, yet no real intimacy. We are like friends, in that we share the daily details of our lives, go places and do things together, but always at a safe distance, with no deep emotional or physical intimacy.

Not ideal, but not unpleasant. I'm safe and free to do as I choose. As is he. With this freedom I've noticed he is much more courteous and kind then before. For now there is no sign of affair activities, but the day is likely to come when they are noticeable. I hope it isn't until our youngest is through high school.

Ostrich80 posted 2/23/2014 14:07 PM

Sunflowergirl..I feel your pain. Time does fly and being stagnant sucks. I never ever thought I would be still be with ws after a 2nd DD and dammi, it was 2 yrs ago..I can't believe its been two years and I'm still here. Seems like there's never a right time to bring it up. Theres always a kid sideways or financial issues..I keep saying, ok after this is calmed down then...but those fires only get put out to find another one started.
I kind of look at leaving like this
Im not a thrill seeker and I like to play it safe but I've been told that sky diving is the ultimate rush and its a beautiful peaceful ride floating above earth. So I go up and get right at the door..its my turn to jump and I start having my parachute going to jam, what if I break my I walk away from the door of the plane and.I.hate myself for being a coward all the way back to the ground I'm pissed because I chickened out and played the what if game. I don't know, I have a weird mind and always have these little scenarios in my head but that's what it feels like to me. I get adrenalin going thinking about a new adventure, then I doubt myself and end up going back to what I know and even though it sucks, it is where.I feel like I know what its going to be like, comfortable I guess but not in a good way, just a familiar way.
I hope you find your way sunflower..I hope I do too

BAB61 posted 2/23/2014 15:01 PM

Are you in IC? Depression is insidious, please get some help. When you are depressed everything is harder.

The kids could use help too, are there school counselors?


phmh posted 2/23/2014 15:52 PM

What are you afraid of? Perhaps visualization can help here. I listed out what I was afraid of, did all I could to mitigate the risks, and things turned out way better than I ever could have imagined.

Don't focus on the fact that you've lost 3 years -- that's water under the bridge and you can't do anything about it. What you can do something about is decide how many more years you'll waste. Knowing what you know about him, would you marry him today? If not, why stay? There's a lot of human psychology in this, similar to people who keep hanging on to losing investments rather than selling them and cutting their losses. Except this is the biggest game in town -- your life. Envision what you want your life to look like in 5 years and start taking steps now to get there.


lovehatelove posted 2/24/2014 00:40 AM

sunflowergirl30 - I am in the same boat.. except Dday happened one year ago yesterday..

I wish that both of us could make the decision we think is best, and be happy with it.. maybe we are somewhat afraid of the unknowns of leaving our WHs...

It really isn't that simple to just leave... there are so many things we have to consider... will I one day regret my decision of leaving my husband...? should I be putting in more effort to just be cordial with him until I finally make the decision to leave...?


we are here for you...

MrsDoubtfire posted 2/24/2014 04:15 AM

Hey Sunflower. Hello. I have no words of wisdom. Just wanted to say I remember you and send you virtual hugs.

Hugs to you and your daughters.

Williesmom posted 2/24/2014 09:11 AM


You know, I did what Phmh suggested. I wrote a list of everything that I was afraid of.

After I ended it with him, some of those things happened. It was OK because at that point, I was able to stop the bleeding, because I was in control of what happened to my life from that point on.

Realistically, you stayed together and your kids are struggling? Is it going to get worse for them if you split? Maybe, but once again.... you can decide what happens if you end this toxic mess that you're currently in.

Have courage.

sunflowergirl30 posted 2/28/2014 22:57 PM

Thank you everyone for your replies and support. I really needed it.

griefandrelief posted 2/28/2014 23:31 PM

My personal "trigger" to be content to let go of the broken M was the realization that I had been lied to for two years by someone I trusted. How DARE he do that to me? How DARE he do that to my girls? And I realized that I very much enjoy the certainty that I know what is happening to me everyday.

I hope you find your own trigger. (((SG)))

[This message edited by griefandrelief at 11:32 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

wontdefineme posted 2/28/2014 23:53 PM

This comes from someone who left. If you can't go yet, then start preparing. Get financially ready, save or pay off loans. Need something, get it, need some schooling,do it. Live your life like you are single, without cheating. I have a friend who would leave, but her and spouse are like roomies. She is better off financially than I am and she is getting her career together again now she knows that they will eventually separate. She is emotionally detaching and not mad or bitter. She is getting ready and her kids get to be in one home and actually see the dad for who he is. But she will be better when the time comes.

Prepare, detach and start enjoying life without him.

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