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User Topic: BS anger pre/post Dday ws/bs welcome
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to hear from both BS and WS to see what your experiences have been.

First, the background;

BH and I didn't have a good day yesterday. We were both testy and spent most of the day arguing...not that it's an excuse, but I am currently trying to quit smoking and as of yesterday had not had a cigarette in almost 72 hours....So I was already on edge and was (wrongly) taking my impatience out on my BH which I know was not fair to do.

I spent the afternoon cleaning the house and when I had finished my BH made a comment about how I didn't put the vacuum cleaner away correctly...this is a silly argument that we always have. He was joking when he said it, but I snapped at him and the situation quickly escalated out of control. We had already had one argument earlier in the day where I had snapped and he told me to "just go smoke a fucking cigarette", meaning I was being less than friendly and he didn't want to deal with it.

So back to the vacuum incident...the argument ended with him telling me I was being a "fucking bitch" to which I replied he had no right to call me that and then we stopped speaking for a while.

Later he apologized for saying it and admitted it was wrong. I also apologized for being cranky and snapping at him.

So now to the point of my post....before my A and DDay, BH has never called me names. Even after DDay he swore a lot and said I had acted LIKE a slut but never really called me any names directly to my face.

But with the argument yesterday I don't know if calling me a bitch was because of the argument we were having, or if it was more like his anger towards me stemming from the A....like unresolved anger.

Either way it hurt. And I feel badly for snapping and taking my frustrations out on him, but I don't think that gives him the right to call me names now.

Just want to hear what others have experienced. Thanks!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me personally I don't believe in it. However, I have known some people who tolerate and engage in name-calling in arguments but as long as certain lines are crossed.

Your BH apologized for what he said so he didn't justify doing it either. I think this important. If you posted that he called you a bitch but refused to take it back or apologize for it in any way then I think you would have a bigger problem.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4101 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you in MC, or is your H in IC? The C should be able to teach you both some techniques for expressing anger that provide a lot more relief than name-calling.

For a start, saying, 'I'm angry that...' or 'I'm angry about....'


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10572 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
wincing_at_light
♂ 14393
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prior to D-day, I was a pretty mild-mannered husband, generally respectful and agreeable, even when we argued.

For the first couple of years after D-day, any snapping or perceived disrespect from my wife, and I would absolutely jump straight to eating her lunch. In essence, by committing the ultimate disrespect, she lost the right to infringe on my boundaries of self-respect in the name of marriage tolerance or just having a bad day (or whatever the fuck else might make her think she could talk to me "in that tone").

The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on. As your husband prior to D-day, you had access to a reservoir of forgiveness and day-to-day grace for grouchiness and mild slights that he would have extended to no other person on the planet (with the possible exception of his mother) for the sake of his love for you.

Then you took advantage of it, and, in many ways, put yourself in a position where you could command even less tolerance from him than someone he'd just met (after all, someone he's never met hasn't ever stabbed him in the back). Remorse isn't a replacement for trust, and in the first couple of years, you should remember that with regards to trust currency, he has a better relationship with the teller who processes his deposits at the bank than he does with his unfaithful wife.

The teller, after all, might just be having a bad day. You have proven that you're willing to stab him, twist the knife, and gut him to serve your own agenda.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 10:02 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
hopelesslydvoted
♀ 42573
Member # 42573
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't agree with name calling. I lost it once, but I instantly I knew, have more composure than that! Yet,it may sound brutal, but there is a lot of truth in what wincing_at_light says. "a reservoir of forgiveness and day-to-day grace"
Before A, I would pick and choose my battles, and let most, roll off my back. I was under the assumption that spouses protected each other, and letting something go without a fight, was me, maybe, being the only kind thing in his day, on perhaps, what was attitude from a bad day. But, when my WH not only hurt me but, truthfully, put me in harm's way, I started to protect myself, I realized no one else was going to do it, so if he talks down to me or "in that tone" I fight back. Because, I'm hurt and angry and appalled and trying to locate reality, since I apparently, wasn't living in it, for so long. a reservoir of forgiveness and day-to-day grace

Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2014
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wincing_at_light......well written post that resonates and captured a bulk of my thoughts and feelings completely....but in a concise format. I will copy and paste into my journal....thank you.

19 months out....we had our own vacuum cleaner argument.....but it was my fWS telling me to "f-off ".

Lately her defensiveness has been increasing.

Not got my answers yet.....just wanted to tell you I can relate to what you post about.

My wife did tell me she was going in for a complete female examine soon.

It is tiring work..... Confusing at times..... Trying to figure out what is really generating these "f-you" outbursts,

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopelesslydvoted
♀ 42573
Member # 42573
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, what's up with a "vacuum cleaner argument"? We just had one the other day, as well. Does this have substance in R? Or is it finding ways to fight over the little things, without fighting over the big things?

Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2014
SadInNC
♀ 42170
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Alyssa. I am a BW and it sounds to me that your BH is still hurt and angry over your betrayal and A. You should be prepared for that, though, and expect it. He called you a f***ing b**** over a stupid vacuum argument. You know it wasn't the vacuum.

You picked a bad time to give up smoking.

Yesterday was a bad day for my WH and me also. I went for probably a week without bringing up his A or asking questions. Yesterday, I asked a few questions while we were out driving and he started yelling and saying that he had been having such a good day and didn't want to ruin it and bla-bla-bla. Of course we had a huge fight because I will not let him use anger to deter me from asking questions whenever I feel like it. I don't remember, but it is possible that I could have called him a f***ing bas****. Not sure. He did apologize to me for getting angry and did answer my questions. Things would have gone much better if he had not gotten angry in the first place.

Your BH is HURT!! Just be patient with him. If the cursing really bothers you, talk to him about it. Maybe if you offer to talk about the A more, it would help him. IDK. Affairs suck, that's all I know and they change things.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree they change things and suck and am trying to change who I am and make it up to him. He doesn't talk about the A much and I am afraid to bring it up....I usually wait for him to bring it up....when he is ready we talk about it.

I know him calling names had nothing to do with the vacuum and i know I hurt him more than anyone else has or will. I understand that, but was just looking to see if others have experienced it.

So it sounds like I just have to suck it up and deal with it ?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
SadInNC
♀ 42170
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you have to suck it up and deal with anything that you think is wrong. It doesn't matter is you are the WS or the BS, everyone desrves to be treated with respect and dignity if they are in true R. Talk to him.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Markone
♂ 30291
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

slight T/j

I'll start by saying that WW and I failed in "R". However, fwiw,this was a source of anger for me when we were trying:

He doesn't talk about the A much and I am afraid to bring it up....I usually wait for him to bring it up....when he is ready we talk about it.

As a BS' I got sick of having to be the one that always brought it up. Sick of thinking she was "rolling her eyes" when I did, and as a result left my anger to fester....and it would come out in vacuum cleaner type fights instead.

It might not be an issue for him, but it might be worth you bringing it up first from time to time -- it shows that the A burden isn't his to carry alone.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it sounds like I just have to suck it up and deal with it ?

Kinda, and kinda not. My interpretation of "suck it up" is "take it without comment," which I don't think you should. Nor should you use a phrase like you did, "You have no right to call me that." Because I know "Yeah, well you had no right to fuck other guys," would be my BH's retort to that. My therapist rec'd I say, "Ouch" initially, and follow it up with something more meaningful like, "When you call me ugly names that hurts, but it shows me that you're angry, and I get that. Anyone would be angry after what I did, and I'm sorry if you're hurting right now."

Something similar came up in our first session with new MC. Even though MC asked, I was hesitant to bring up any issues or complaints, because I'm still not totally sure what's "real" and what's my warped perception. Kinda reluctantly, I quoted a couple of things BH has said in anger that hurt me, and said when I feel low, those words replay in my head. MC said I should work out "why I replay it" with my IC. He also said, if R is to go forward, those hurtful words ultimately need to stop.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Markone,
Thank you for the t/j -i appreciate the input from you and the other bs on this thread.

Twenty.
thank you as always for the advice. I can understand how your response is more productive than the one I gave!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 13

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