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How do you go on & not bring it up anymore?

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itstoomuch posted 2/23/2014 13:02 PM

Everyone says you have to let go & not bring up past anymore... But how do you do that when every aspect of your life has changed because of those choices? Overwhelmed with all consequences of that, I am wrapped in grief and hurt which, after feeling utterly alone to bear all the pain, comes out in anger & hate. Today he asked 'so when have you ever not been frustrated!?' My answer when you first got out & when you were in prison. (Probably makes no sense unless you have read previous posts from me...) His response is 'you win - ill pack up and leave.'

In anger I have yelled screamed and said awful hateful things these last yr or so... Even told him to just leave many times. I want to work it out w him - that's why I stayed in first place. But I want honesty and want to feel important to him. Not just the mother of the kids he doesn't want to lose. I stayed because I loved him and my commitment to M is real. But stress of life and reality of R is soooo overwhelming and my pain is too much for him. I've worn him out. No matter I stuck it out all these years & put up with so much junk. When it is all said and done it is all my fault. I hurt too much to shut up and say leave! And he does... I am such a failure. I failed at keeping my man faithful. I failed at making R worth it to him. I don't think I'm strong enough to never say 'this hurts' again.

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 5:12 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

steadfast1973 posted 2/23/2014 13:35 PM

Who says that?

And NONE of this is your fault. HE did this. He can't deal with the consequences of his actions. That's on him, not you. You've been dealing with those consequences. You have every right to talk about it when you need to.

Please note my signature... I rug swept, I let him keep me silent, and "forget" his "mistake". And it was all so he could keep doing it... Don't repeat my mistakes because he can't own his own shit.

itstoomuch posted 2/23/2014 13:40 PM

Who says that?

Anybody & everybody who I talk to.

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 1:41 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

steadfast1973 posted 2/23/2014 14:04 PM

I'd say they've not experienced it. It's not something you get over... It's something you have to get THROUGH. As for the WS, they've already been "through" the event... But we are still going through it... So they may get impatient.... Too bad. This is a situation they created, and they need to help us get through it.

You have stop being afraid he'll leave. It would suck, for sure... But from experience, i can tell you that you would be okay. But as long as you have that fear that he will leave... He will use it against you, to keep you quiet and not make him deal with this awful mess he made.

Your job was not to keep him from straying... Your job was to not stray, you did that. His job was to not stray, and that's his failing, not yours,

I love my fWH. And... i don't want him to leave... But... I am not afraid of it. Shit... He's lucky i let his sorry ass stay and try to clean up this shit hole he brought me to! I've given him a huge gift... And you have given your WH a huge gift too! He should be thankful, and not threatening to throw it away every time he gets reminded why he needed this second chance. (And thankfully... This time my fWH, realizes the gift, and is doing what he can... Otherwise his dumb, selfish ass would be sleeping in his mom's living room...)

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 2:06 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

jjsr posted 2/23/2014 14:12 PM

You are talking to the wrong people if they are telling you not to bring it up. You bring it up as often as you need to. Are you getting any kind of help, MC or IC. We are 2+ yrs out and I still ask questions when one comes up. We don't talk about it everyday anymore but that is because we are working on it but the MC told him I could ask what I wanted for as long as I felt like I needed to and he has to deal with that because he is the one who cheated.

itstoomuch posted 2/23/2014 17:06 PM

IC yes. Thing is feel like I'm failing miserably with my efforts to reconcile. DD is little over 4 years ago, he came back home within month or so & we were able to work on marriage for 6 months before he had to go to prison. He was gone 2 yrs & we both continued our R in best ways we could under circumstances. He came back little over 1 1/2 yrs ready to reconcile but I was in middle of nursing school. Been rough for both of us- since kids I was SAHM & only had marriage & kids to focus on- I pretty much went off deep end resenting I had to be gone/ occupied w something else when he finally got back. Now I'm graduated & 'available' & I'm not happy with how he has changed since. I have my unhealthy coping mechanisms; he has his too. But they r not the same. Wish I could go back to when he first got back home & not go to school & focus only on loving him. I lost that golden opportunity at a second chance at marriage that had gone terribly bad.

itstoomuch posted 2/23/2014 17:12 PM

Feel like he only was able to love me when I was 'in a good place' & meek (it's not about me- this happened cause I am strong enough to love him thru this- what an opportunity!...) now that I've just been awful this last year or so he withdraws & leaves me to the destruction I do to myself with thoughts that I can't escape. If I could just not think or talk I would be ok. If I kept that meek attitude & have no expectations for our marriage then all would be fine. Problem is I desire so much more... I love him...I want a happy marriage

Scubachick posted 2/23/2014 22:14 PM

I wish I knew. I refuse to stay silent just so he feels comfortable. When I try expressing my feelings to him in a positive way, I get very little or no support. When I express it through anger, I still get very little or no support. When I say,in a positive way, it's usually me telling him that it's on my mind and really bothering me. That I'm feeling insecure and jealous of the OW. Either way, he thinks that means I want to fight and he says he'll just get his stuff and go.

I don't know how to make him understand that I do not want to fight and I don't want to discuss the details. I just want his support. I want him to acknowledge my pain. Is that wrong? I want him to reassure me that he loves me and will never hurt me like that again. I spell it out for him but he can't seem to do that for me. His idea of support is telling me the same thing over and over. "I hurt you and I'm sorry. I 'm begging for your forgiveness. We need to stay focused on our future if we are going to make it blah blah". He hates that I still need to discuss it but I told takes however long it takes. If you don't like it, you can leave.

itstoomuch posted 2/23/2014 23:48 PM

Jjsr- thank you for input from your MC - wish somebody would say to my H... But at least I hear that for myself - a bit of relief that professional would say that. :)

Scubachick: thanks for sharing. You put into words what I want too. I hurt so bad too & want HIS support too. But to him, I'm asking too much- 'I'm crazy, immature, and can't be trusted' I'll be first to admit I've stomped all over him in past & now as my pain thru this has literally been destroying me. I'm tying & making an awful mess of it. If I left at beginning he would never been in a place to see me struggle as I have. But because I was strong then & committed to M & R he gets a front row seat to my weaknesses & shortcomings as a BS in R. Sometimes I think I exposed myself to deeper wounds by staying.

I have not previously shared with him this site at all but today I did- I texted him a screen shot of earlier replies today; his response:

Why don't you post on there that yhere hasn't been at least a week gone by over the last year where you haven't told me to leave...I don't know why you show me that. They see half. The fact you would send this to me to try to hurt me.....I hope they've helped you in the right direction.

Wasn't trying to hurt him... But that's how he always takes my pain- in past when I've been suicidal he has later expressed to me how I said that too him to try to hurt him- totally missing that it was how bad I was hurting. :(
I was only trying to share that what I'm feeling/ reacting is 'normal' and that other spouses who R are real & struggle like he sees me do.
Guess I have to be the grownup and realize it's all about him and what I did/do to him.

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 12:06 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

lovehatelove posted 2/24/2014 00:04 AM

I bring it up almost on a daily basis and it's been a year since Dday..

itstoomuch posted 2/24/2014 00:08 AM


Because you want HIM to hurt or because YOU hurt that bad?

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 12:11 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

Scubachick posted 2/24/2014 05:02 AM


They don't get it...your husbands reply sounds exactly like something my husband would say. Somehow they always find a way to be the victim and make it about them. It's such a lonely feeling to reach out to your spouse for help and they make you feel bad for doing it. Like it's not hard enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to open up and ask for help from the very same man that hurt you. I swear every time I try and he doesn't make an effort, it's like I just added another brick to wall that is being built between us. I even tried explaining it to my husband by saying "take yourself out of equation so it's not so personal. Lets pretend it wasn't you that hurt me, it was someone else. And your wife comes to you in tears and hurting. How would you comfort her". Tell your husband that based on his reply to you, I can totally understand why you would tell him to leave once a week!!!

LivinginLimbo posted 2/24/2014 05:40 AM

We discussed this topic at our last MC session which was on my second D-Day antiversary. I expressed feeling as if I needed to "let it go", something that I'm not ready for.

Same as jjsr, our counselor said that this will always be a part of my marriage. She said that if something is bothering me, my FWH has to be prepared discuss it. She also said that if FWH ever has the thoughts that led to what he did, he has to talk about it with me.

It made me feel a lot better.

SusanR posted 2/24/2014 06:04 AM

Our legal separation is almost "in the books." I have offerred that we can start over with couples counseling and the understanding that this is a new relationsip with new rules.

For quite some time, I refuses to ask him for anything.

Last night, I texted him, asked him to check Consumer Reports (he is a member) and let me know which blow dryers they recommend. He replied that I could use his.

While I understand the sentiment (he thinks he is "helping", he didn't answer my question. it would have been great to hear, " Consumer Reports recommends X, Y and Z, but you can take mine for now, I'm not using it."

Typical. This will be a topic in our next couples session!

lovehatelove posted 2/24/2014 06:11 AM



itstoomuch posted 2/24/2014 06:51 AM

Livinginlimbo, thank you for sharing too... Comforting to hear another MC says same thing.

Scubachick, thank you! Debating if I should show him your response... Tho I really really want to!! Think he will make us all out to be crazy & immature! But REALLY!?! We are the ones who have chosen to stay. And this pain & related craziness (yes, I'm ashamed I've not been as controlled & kind as I should've been over these years..) is a reality we experience because of choices he has made & the consequences we unwillingly have had to live with ( but we made the choice to stick it out in their presence & R).

Does he honestly think I said let's work things out & secretly decide to sabatoge our M by making it miserable for him? Wish I could pull my junk together & ride off into the sunset by now but it's not my reality... Keep looking toward the promise of that sunset tho...

itstoomuch posted 2/25/2014 10:10 AM

here's an this text from my husband the next day.

I read everything you sent me , and I know I need to work on some things. In making a purpose to do that. I don't want us to be done. I love you.

He read those screenshots from here and info I fwd him about Retrouvaille! For him to actually put it into written words is progress. I will take it and hope he lives out those words. :) at least he is thinking...

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 10:14 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Morhurt posted 2/25/2014 10:57 AM

I'm happy and a bit relieved to see the update as my blood was boiling for you. My H shows complete patience for my never ending sadness and hurt... And this is still so enormously painful. He is being so mean in saying that you are the problem. He hasn't owned it yet. Hearing you blame yourself is terrible, please know that you are not to blame! Not for the A and not for his shitty attitude now.

Lovedyoumore posted 2/25/2014 11:47 AM

You do not have to put this behind you. After infidelity, a decision about whether to R or D should be made. If you chose R, it takes both people to move forward from the A. Moving forward does not erase the past, the pain, or the betrayal. All three issues will have to be addressed for a long time, but hopefully in a healthy R, they are not just below the surface forever. A healthy marriage in R should allow for A discussion whenever either partner needs to talk about it. Moving on to an intellectual focus rather than a passionate focus in your discussions will come, as long as the BS is not forced to stuff it down. WS do themselves a huge disservice by insisting the BS move on and never bring it up. Not talking about the A and the evolving relationship can enable the "dry cheater" to ignore their own issues and circle back to infidelity.

I do not want this in my life but I had no choice in it. It is here and we have to deal with it. I tried to deal with it alone for a while and it literally made me sick. I have to talk about how I am feeling, he has to talk about how he is feeling, and on the way to R, we have to respect each other's need to be heard. We try to not minimize each other's feelings or force our progression on each other. We both move forward, move back, and get stuck, but we talk about it. I think we will always be talking about the A, mainly to make sure it never happens again.

Telling either party to shut up, move on, or get over it does nothing towards healing. It will breed resentment, anger, and ignorance.

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