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Newest Member: HellYeaimdone (45730)

User Topic: Last Night
MadeOfScars
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warning: Long tangent-filled post ahead. I started with a path in mind and it kind of took off on me

Last night was another of many firsts, and I survived it.

My best friend's birthday was yesterday, and he and his wife had a gathering at their house. Food, drinks, that kind of thing. While I had to expect it, I was simply not prepared by how overwhelming it was to realize, truly realize, that in a house full of people, I was so alone.

At one point, not counting children, I was not the 3rd wheel...I was the 15th wheel. I was literally the only adult there who was not there with my spouse. It also didn't help that 3 of the couples just had babies (that they brought for everyone to meet), and a 4th couple was expecting. The entire conversation for ~2 hours was nothing but babies, families, marriage, little husband-and-wife joking exchanges, all of that. Then there was me trying my best to hold it together.

Before she was my WW, and now STBXW, my wife and at least had each other to lean on when the pregnancy and baby discussions took over the party. We knew that just because of our issues that not everyone can just walk on eggshells around us. We also knew people are still going to procreate regardless of us being not able to. We had each other. Now, I was just so, so alone, forced to witness a house full of people who have everything I so badly, badly want and may never have - a loving spouse and a family.

I should also say many of these couples were friends of friends - I've met many of them, but they aren't people I see outside of my best friend and his wife. I did spend the night out there (he lives an hour from me and I'm not about to drive drunk even if he lived up the street), so once the majority of the party left to get their babies to bed, it got much better. We ordered the UFC fight, broke out the good liquor and it turned into more of a party atmosphere. I have no problem being around my close friends wives, children, etc. I can deal with that, plus we have much more history and topics to talk about other than marriage and baby-making. So, again, once it was just us close friends, I realized I had survived another first and I was still standing. Somehow, I got through it.

My friend told me many times he was so happy I came out, and that made it worth it. He's been where I am. He is a former BS, is divorced, etc. There was a time when he was the "third wheel" hanging around all the happy couples like the STBXW and I. I know that wasn't easy for him. We've been friends since elementary school, and there isn't anything we wouldn't do for each other. His daughter is my goddaughter even. I can take solace in that I am lucky to have a lasting bond like that.

Of course, as the night wore on and the drinks went down, eventually the STBXW came up courtesy of my best friend's wife. It wasn't too bad I guess. She drunkenly and tearily wanted to let me know they are 100% on my side and will do whatever they can to help me out. That did mean a lot in the at one point, my STBXW and my friend's wife were very close. My friend's wife lost a friend in all of this too. This is the same friend's wife who just took over and handled everything to do with the burial of our son so we wouldn't have to have those conversations, including the fees associated. In other words, she loves us as much as my friend loves me, and my STBXW betrayed them as well.

My friend's wife did ask me what I wanted to happen with my situation, and she can be persistent for an answer, so I gave her one. I said I wish I could hit rewind and fix it before it ever happened. I also said I know that's not possible, but what I really want is someone who wants, needs to be with me. If that's not going to be her, i don't want her back, as tough as that is to accept. I also told her that I want my STBXW to get help, not for me or us, but for her. Everyone who was close to her sees that she's on a path to self-destruction, and while we all worry, she's rejected all of us. There's nothing we can do. I really, really hope my friend's wife does NOT reach out to my STBXW based on our talk and i told her as much - my friend's wife can be one to involve herself where she shouldn't with the best intentions in mind. We shall see.

Anyway, if you stuck with me this far, thank you. I need to conclude this post eventually. All I can say is firsts are survivable, and as we all check them off, we gain strength. Hang in there.

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 4:20 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


“Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another.” ― Charles Caleb Colton

Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
BAB61
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoukHurts))) Kudos to you for going to the party! I'm so proud of you, and you give me hope!

I went through infertility treatments for over 4 years, so I can appreciate a tiny bit the tough place you were in last night. ((SH))

Sending you lots of mojo!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoulHurts - great post - just keep swimming my friend, and you are.

I'm glad your friend's wife is so supportive. My XWH also walked away from our entire life. I kept pretty much everyone, but it's really sad that he could just walk away from so many people in our circle who he'd known for almost 10 years that we spent a lot of time with.

Again, great, positive post - and a good first.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4669 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoulHurts))) I'm sure that was a difficult evening in many ways. I'm so glad you stuck through it, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26175 | Registered: Aug 2011
RealityStinks
♂ 41457
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats on making it through that "first" buddy! Glad to here you went to the party. I was the 7th wheel last night. All couples with kids or kids on the way. I get the "all alone". But, I've BTBT several times at this point, so I'm used to it. It gets easier, and you'll begin to not even notice.

Now, your next first with them will be this: They'll start trying to fix you up. Happened to me last night. Fair warning: It's a little awkward.

Evidently, when a "good guy" comes "back on the market" your friend's wives have nothing better to talk about than all their single girlfriends. And, your buddies will start planning your next bachelor party! It's quite the hoot to see them living vicariously through you.

what I really want is someone who wants, needs to be with me

^^^ That will happen. The further down the road I get, the less I worry about it.

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
careerlady
♀ 16958
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoulHurts))) congrats for making it through. So glad you went and stayed. May you one day use last night's experience to help others. If you want you can still have a new wife and possibly a child if you want. You were willing to sacrifice that for your WW, now you don't have to. The future is wide open.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 943 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah. this brings back memories. Those 'firsts' are the roughest but it does get easier.

I went to a surprise 50th birthday/25th wedding anniversary late last year. I cried like a baby on the way home. Not agony tears, mourning tears. It was rough.

I've been 'single' almost 2 years. Divorced early this year. I've had many 'new' encounters. I still don't feel single single IYKWIM?

Evidently, when a "good guy" comes "back on the market" your friend's wives have nothing better to talk about than all their single girlfriends. And, your buddies will start planning your next bachelor party! It's quite the hoot to see them living vicariously through you.

^^THIS is so true.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5657 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
MadeOfScars
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies and insights as always!

(((SoukHurts))) Kudos to you for going to the party! I'm so proud of you, and you give me hope!

Right back at you. You all give me hope.

I'm glad your friend's wife is so supportive. My XWH also walked away from our entire life. I kept pretty much everyone, but it's really sad that he could just walk away from so many people in our circle who he'd known for almost 10 years that we spent a lot of time with.

Obviously the betrayed get the worst of it, but yeah, its amazingly sad how someone can just be part of your life one day, and gone the next. There are so many on my side who cared very much for her who miss her and miss us together.

I'm sure that was a difficult evening in many ways. I'm so glad you stuck through it, honey.

Oh yeah it was, but I know I can't avoid these things forever. I'm still glad I stuck it out too.

Now, your next first with them will be this: They'll start trying to fix you up. Happened to me last night. Fair warning: It's a little awkward.

My friend and his wife both apologized to me that a single acquaintance of ours was unable to attend. It took me a bit to realize why they would apologize to me over that. Don't get me wrong, this acquaintance is quiet attractive, but regardless of what anyone tries to set up, I am not going on any dates until (a) I am officially divorced and (b) I'm ready for the possibility of a relationship. That said, the wheels are already spinning in some minds on who I should "talk to" next. Its both flattering and awkward.

It's quite the hoot to see them living vicariously through you.

My friend was our outlet when he was single and dating again. We had front row seats to his self-professed "man-whore" stage. I set him up with a couple of my STBXW's friends too. It was almost sad when he met his now wife and settled down again if that makes any sense, though we're all very happy he did.

May you one day use last night's experience to help others.

I hope so too considering how so many here have helped me. Love you guys and gals!

I've been 'single' almost 2 years. Divorced early this year. I've had many 'new' encounters. I still don't feel single single IYKWIM?

I think I know what you mean. It takes time...


“Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another.” ― Charles Caleb Colton

Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
MadeOfScars
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May you one day use last night's experience to help others. If you want you can still have a new wife and possibly a child if you want. You were willing to sacrifice that for your WW, now you don't have to. The future is wide open.

I really hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but it almost feels like as a guy, my "clock" is ticking very loudly. I have to remind myself that just because damn near everyone I know around my age is married with kids, I'm still only 35. Hell, one guy there last night has a 6 month old - he just turned 42. The couple expecting? Late 30s (her) early 40s (him). I know I have time, and now the possibility.

Hell, my own dad was 44 when I was born, 47 when my sister was born. I have youthful looks on both sides of my family. My mom is 65 which no one believes. Her mother died at 82, and likely would have had much more time had her doctor listened to her and ran certain tests earlier. Very long story, but my family had a very legit malpractice case that we could have pursued, but decided against since, well, it wouldn't bring her back.

My dad, until health complications started to age him in his late 60s and early 70s, did not look at all like his age would suggest. He drank heavily (pre-kids) smoked for nearly 40 years, ate horribly and rarely exercised, and he still lived into his mid 70s, and what did claim him was unfortunately a luck-of-the-draw thing that was not directly related to his prior health issues. His mother died at 102 (sadly outliving both her sons). His brother at 77 despite a TON of health problems, mostly self-induced. I have good genes and history that suggests I may have quite a bit of time left to raise a family with the right person.

Guess thats obvious to everyone here, but I still have to do these exercises sometimes to remind myself. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow or live until 100. As long as I avoid that bus, my genes suggest I'm still much closer to the beginning than the end.

Besides, age is just a number.


“Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another.” ― Charles Caleb Colton

Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
yestopants
♀ 41631
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting this SoulHurts. I have a party one night and a baby shower (very close friend) I'm supposed to attend next weekend.... I've been thinking of saying I can't go to either. After reading your post I think I am going to go.
I've read a few of your posts and can tell you feel very much like I do about the STBX. I'm sure we a lot of people feel this way. You've inspired me to try. I won't chicken out. It's amazing you got through it and the way you wrote about your evening it sounds like you handled it with grace. I hope I can do that too. Congrats, you should be proud of yourself.
Btw, I think you'll do just fine. I think there is a really amazing life waiting for you. I just turned 35 and understand feeling like time is passing by....but I know it's not.
As long as I avoid that bus, my genes suggest I'm still much closer to the beginning than the end.

^^I agree.


Me: 35
STBXWH: 38
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 286 | Registered: Dec 2013
MadeOfScars
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear you're thinking of going yestopants. I won't lie, it was hard at first. Had a few times where I headed to the bathroom because I wasn't gonna be the dude breaking down in front of everyone. Your friends are your friends though, and they still want you around for their special occasions. If they know whats going on (and I would imagine a close friend does) they are probably of the mind that regaining some normalcy with them would be good for you too, and they're partially right. It'll be tough, but you can do it, and each "next time" will get easier and easier.

Be strong, but know its OK if it does get overwhelming. Your friend will understand, and she'll be grateful you were there for her.

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 5:49 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


“Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another.” ― Charles Caleb Colton

Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
BAB61
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoulHurts - my oldest was born when I was 36 and my STBX was 39. You have time.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
newlysingle
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((soulHurts)))

I can relate to what you are saying. I recently attended a mom's night out with my DD's kindy class. I'm one of two single moms in the class (the other one didn't attend). Everyone discussed their upcoming family vacations, new homes, remodeling homes, etcetera. All while I'm getting ready to sell the house we planned to raise our kids in. I felt like such an outsider and really just wanted the night to be over.

I will say though, that you are still young enough to have a family. Actually, I'd think you were a pretty hot commodity out on the dating scene due tontine desire to have a family. Especially if you're open to a woman that has children (and might want more). I'm not willing to have more as I had a really difficult pregnancy with DS, but I so want a family guy. The Gnat never was. He loves his kids, but thinks parenting just means buying them stuff. He takes no interest in school, activities, etc. He threw them away without a second thought when he met Hello Kitty. I will never understand how a parent can do that.

You will be fine and I really do think you will have the family you want one day. Some woman out there will be very lucky to find you. Also, I'm so sorry about your son. You really have suffered a lot of trauma. Hugs.


BW - Me (38)
XWH -The Gnat
OW - Hello Kitty the Whore Engaged to the Gnat. I hear the white trash, wedding bells as we speak.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (7), 1 DS (2)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 960 | Registered: Mar 2013
MadeOfScars
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He takes no interest in school, activities, etc. He threw them away without a second thought when he met Hello Kitty. I will never understand how a parent can do that.

I...I...wow. I don't get how he can be that way. The happiest moment of my life was seeing my son on the first ultrasound, listening to his heartbeat, knowing what should have been. Kids are a gift, and it seems so many take that for granted. I don't get it. I don't know you, but I am sure you are strong for your children, and you deserve a man that appreciates how great a gift they are.


“Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another.” ― Charles Caleb Colton

Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
newlysingle
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. Yes, he completely dumped the kids for about 6 months after DDay, but then semi-pulled his head out of his ass when he figured I might try for full custody . Since then, he has steadily asked for more time with them. He currently gets 8 days per month due to his extensive travel for work, but has been asking for more. This makes me very nervous as I'm afraid he'll try for more custody.

He does the parenting basics, feeds them, clothes them and buys them junk they don't need. However , he has bailed on school conferences for the past year and a half. He's never attended a single one of her performances at school (the kids perform every other week), no activities, nothing. He gets annoyed when she's upset about the divorce. He's never apologized and expects her to just get over and adore his whore. I have no doubts that if his who're decided she didn't want the kids visiting anymore, he would drop them in a heartbeat.

They deserve so much better. I do hope to find a man that will love us and teach them morals, values , and self respect. Someone who will cheer them in at sports and help with the science project.

We'll do better than the assholes that left us. I just have to keep believing that.


BW - Me (38)
XWH -The Gnat
OW - Hello Kitty the Whore Engaged to the Gnat. I hear the white trash, wedding bells as we speak.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (7), 1 DS (2)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 960 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 15

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