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This stuff can really suck

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StillLivin posted 2/23/2014 15:25 PM

So, this weekend, I was explaining to a soldier how spousal support works, garnishment, etc. on his pay stub (LES). He asked how I knew the information, and I explained that I was retired military and have probably had hundreds of soldiers I needed to assist. I also mentioned that I was to start receiving spousal support. The look of disgust he gave me really made me burn. I promise, I gave as good as I got and gave him the look back along with a, "Is there a problem with that?" smart response. He caught himself, apologized, and stated that as nice a person as I am he is just surprised I would "do that" to my STBXH. I civilly explained that he doesn't know my story, please don't judge something that isn't your business or concern. What I didn't explain is that my STBXH back owed me more cash than he would ever pay me in spousal support for the limited time he was paying it.
This man does not know that my STBX was in the middle of his A and HE knew "he wasn't happy for years" when he pretended to still love me, asked me to give up my career (that career would have enabled me to make six figures until I retired) in order to be a better stepmother and wife to him. He wanted me to be able to be at his beck and call...all while miserable in the M, of course! Also while miserable, he convinced me to use MY VA loan to build and buy a home. He wanted the expensive 2400 square foot home. I wanted the $98,0000 less home that was ONLY 2150 square feet across the street. Again, though miserable in the M, he convinced me to buy the more expensive home.
He also talked me into co signing for DSS 16's Ford F150 and his expensive SUV all while I was driving around in a 7 year old matchbox. He was going to pay off the truck and help me buy a new car in 2 more years...BUT HE WAS MISERABLE.
I gave up my career, I gave up where I wanted to go after we retired and moved to the desert and gave up my beautiful island, I bought the home he wanted instead of the one I wanted and got stuck in an expensive mortgage that alone I cannot afford, I used MY older SUV as a trade in for HIS sons truck, and then HE walked out on ME and for a mere girl, 20 years younger, about 30 pounds fatter, uglier than Sin, and dumber than a box of rocks...yet I am the bad guy because he has to pay spousal support in the sum of the mortgage only (plus taxes) of the house that HE wanted and HE walked out on. For the most part, all of the money and sacrifices is water under the bridge now. But, I refuse to allow others to judge me for spousal maintenance when he took WAY more money than I will ever get from his BS amount of spousal maintenance.
Oh, it gets better. Before and in the beginning of our M, his second ex wife, the one with BPD, that was in law enforcement, pressed attempted murder and stalking charges on my H when she found out we were getting M'd. I pulled out every dime I had ever invested, with about 28% going to taxes and penalty fees, and paid for his attorneys. I helped him pay well over $60,000 towards those attorneys' fees, court costs, travel from overseas to the States for court appearances, hotels, rental cars, etc. Then for over 8 years, half of MY paycheck helped support him, his children and the expensive lifestyle HE wanted of expensive clothes, $90,000 vehicles, etc.
Yep. I can see where I am just such a B because I need to now go back to school full time in order to break back into the career field I never should have left.
And it only got better...
Last night, I ran into some good friends of ours that we used to be stationed with many years ago. They were both so happy to see me, and after the hugs, they asked how me and STBXH were doing. My heart dropped out of my chest in that moment. I succinctly told them with as little emotion as possible the situation. His wife looked horrified and he teared up and looked like he had been slapped in the face.
I felt so awful being the one to tell them and I'm not the one that did anything wrong.
And the asswhole was probably screwing Shrek as we spoke. Nasty dirty fucker! He isn't the one that has to see the hurt on friends and family's faces. He gets off scott free, still pretending to himself and that nasty whore that everything is just wonderful and what he has done doesn't hurt anybody. He cannot fathom why we don't want what's best for his happiness. He still thinks we are best friends too and cannot seem to understand why I am mostly NC with his cheatinass.
I was having a pretty good weekend other than those few things.
I know logically, he is broken and pathetic. And I know that when I no longer even care, and have reached complete indifference, he will get ran over by the karma and bad choices/consequences bus. I know all of this. But damn. Just damn.
Other than this, I had a good weekend. Maybe I should concentrate on that and get back to my homework.
Sure hate how infidelity just keeps on giving though!

[This message edited by StillLivin at 3:30 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

scarednbroken posted 2/23/2014 15:48 PM


Those who haven't lived it don't get it. Few men would have made the sacrifices you made to make your "unhappy" WS happy.

StillLivin posted 2/23/2014 15:58 PM

I've been pretty good since about Christmas, for the most part. But then, from out of nowhere crap like this happens and sucks me back into the infidelity cess pool.
Because it is a small military world, I will always from time to time run into old friends. It could be 10 years from now, and I will run into someone who remembers us as a loving couple.
The young man last night after the shock, didn't want to believe it. For him and his wife WE were THAT couple that everybody knew would make it.
I didn't even have the heart to tell them just how down and dirty he had gotten with me. Bad enough I was hurt by it but folks that care about me shouldn't have to be hurt by what he did too.
Thank you, scarednbroken

myowndystopia posted 2/23/2014 19:05 PM

In their double lives, WS betray not only BS but friends and family as well. Sad that the WS never really see this because their heads are so far up their A$$!

tara1110 posted 2/23/2014 20:04 PM

I too had been doing a little better until just an hour ago, I came across a birthday card sent to my STBX from OW. The past weeks I've been packing stuff for the move and I saw cards and letters we wrote each other years back... Then I roll back into feeling like it's dday again.... I'm with you stilllivin...


gypsybird87 posted 2/23/2014 23:08 PM

So sorry you got hit with all that, SL. People are sometimes very quick to judge without thinking. I tend to chalk it up to ignorance rather than a conscious intent to be hurtful.

As far as the friends... I know what you mean. I recently went to a restaurant that was one of "ours". We'd been going there regularly for years, and for awhile we ate there about once a week. We'd come separately from work and meet there. It's small and the owner and staff knew us by name.

I walked in to meet a friend for lunch, my first time there since dday nearly 10 months ago. Our regular waiter was there and so pleased to see me after such a long time. He grabbed some menus and said, "He's coming? Or with the kids too?" I got teary as I had to explain, no... no more "him", no more "kids". Just divorced, sad little me, meeting a girlfriend. The waiter was visibly very upset by this. He only knew us as a happy family, and a loving couple that frequently got silly on their delicious margaritas and made out in the corner booth. He actually gave me a hug.

Yes, I told him XWH had an affair, and I'm pretty sure the asshole will get a very chilly reception if he's ever brave enough to show his face in there with OW.

They just go their own way like a tornado, wreaking havoc and never looking back. Leaving us to clean up their mess and do damage control. Like you I really wonder when/if it ever ends!!

StillLivin posted 2/23/2014 23:31 PM

Oh gypsy, I'm so sorry! (((hugs)))
No, my hurt was more frustration for our friends' hurt. If they had to be hurt, HE should have been there to face it.
But I wasn't really too sad. I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you had a few margaritas and started making new memories.
And I'm sure the folks at the restaurant will make him and his HO very uncomfortable. Hope they choke on the food if they dare go there!

newlysingle posted 2/23/2014 23:44 PM

I'm so sorry, girl. It really does seem sometimes like the pain will never end. You were a great wife and that asshat never deserved you. FTG!

Getting to Happy posted 2/24/2014 03:45 AM

Oh My. A bit of a thread jack here...

The song by Rhianna was playing, she said "I hate that I love you..." Aprapos. While I was reading Gypsy's story about going to one of the marriage haunts that you frequented with your WH.

I had to drop a few tears for Gypsy. I am so sorry. So Sad. I am glad you were forthright about the status of the situation.

Godspeed you to being healed and being at peace.

End T/J

I would like to give some thanks and a bit of Calmete to you too Still Living.

You are a beacon of strength and self respect, a fierce warrior in this messy betrayal shit! Thanks for that. Keep on shinning your light!


SBB posted 2/24/2014 05:13 AM

That soldier guy is an arsehole.

((StillLivin and everyone going through this)).

Its actually a shock to when I bump into people I haven't seen for years and they ask about the sad clown. Even to this day. I'm no longer used to hearing his name nor of anyone speaking kindly of him.

When they ask I have a strong urge to say "Who the faaark cares???" but then I remember they're new to this.

Its hard watching someone else hear the news for the first time - their face was my face on DD. What...the... fuck?? I'm used to it now and even have a funny version of it I tell.

I too feel like I'm smashing some part of their world. It makes no sense because it is nonsensical. Yes, he is a fraud and you were frauded too. So, how are things with you?

Everyone has immediately commented on how great I look - how happy I seem. Again, they're new to this and they don't know what that first year was like for me. I'm through the worst of it - he and that M are in my rearview mirror. But its new to them. I'm often comforting them if you can believe it!

You're going to be OK honey - you've got some shit stuff to get through first but soon you'll notice the good days outweigh the bad by a mile. These triggers won't knock you around like they do now - they'll be like mosquito buzzes that make you cringe a little then you get on with your day.

StillLivin posted 2/24/2014 11:35 AM

myowndystopia, absolutely!
tara1110, (((hugs))), I know exactly what you mean about packing. I will be going through everything to get rid of his crap at the end of March, not looking forward to it. However, once it's done it has to feel pretty cleansing. Hang in there.
newlysingle, Thank you so much sweetie. And I ditto the sentiment. F them!
Getting to happy: Hijo'le, necesito mucho calmate, tododias!!!! I'll take it where I can get it and thanks! Calmate, tambien!
SBB - "I'm often comforting them if you can believe it!" Exactly! Crazy huh! I'm doing better each day. You and some of the other vets are the ones that got me through the worst of it. After the shock wore off for them, I have to admit I did get some delight in showing them the pix of Shrek from the PI and the look of absolute horror and the way the physically shuddered (and might add they looked at my phone, then me, then the phone, then me and shuddered again and looked clueless...wasn't wearing a stitch of make up either)! I know it was wrong, but hey, I'm human. I also know that looks aren't everything, but since people can't always see how ugly a person is inside, it's nice to know she matches her inside with her outside!!!!
Just want to say I love you guys, posters and lurkers alike!

careerlady posted 2/24/2014 12:19 PM

I would have HAD to treat that soldier to my full story to reach him a lesson

StillLivin posted 2/24/2014 13:50 PM

Meh, none of his damn business, and not worth my energy. He's doesn't have my respect for other reasons.
Some people all you do is talk to a wall. He was one of them. I'd only be spinning my wheels With a dolt like him.

NikkiD posted 2/24/2014 14:34 PM


Im sorry friend!!! This really does suck. Having to be the one to act all stoic while their coward-asses run and hide.

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