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OW sent email to WH about meeting up

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Mochagurl posted 2/23/2014 17:32 PM

My WH swears to me he is in NC. However I just saw an email from OW saying she can't make it tomorrow night after all.mhe isn't telling me the truth, is he?

He tells me I am making this stuff up. That he isn't seeing her. And I should take him at his word. I so want to believe him.

I have asked him to give me his secret phone. He says that I would just say that he bought another one. I have asked him to call her and tell her to leave both of us alone. He says I would still think he is seeing her.

He is out of town during the week for a job, so OW could just about be living with him since she doesn't have a job.

We are going on a family vacation in a few weeks, and I need to hold it together during that time.

Please, how do I detach and learn to not care and have this stuff roll off my back. I am so comftable with him, but I am shaking and this is taking a toll on me and my job.

k94ever posted 2/23/2014 17:40 PM

Why are you still with him?

It's pretty obvious he doesn't respect you nor love you.


BAB61 posted 2/23/2014 17:49 PM

Gently, are you truly comfortable with him or just scared to be alone? There is no shame in being afraid. I am afraid that after the D I will be unable to work enough to support my kids, keep the house and the van ... but you know what? It's worth being alone to not keep feeling the pain of betrayal in my opinion.

lastdance posted 2/23/2014 17:49 PM

do you really think is is telling you the truth----he has so much practice---lying to you is easy----why are you with him----he does not respect you----he simply knows how to lie to you and you fall foe it-----get yourself to a doctor to check for stds,every 3 or 6 months----since you have put your life in danger by staying with him,at least see a doctor-----it is sad that you would allow him to have such control over your health and mortal life----wow

solus sto posted 2/23/2014 17:56 PM

There are few cruelties greater than encouraging a person to mistrust her senses and sensibilities. Gas lighting is a horrendous form of abuse, and your husband seems to be an expert at its practice.

I hope you will trust what you know rather than his words

mainlyinpain posted 2/23/2014 18:17 PM

First of all, HUGS to you.
Second, you know he is lying. You are being gaslighted and have been for a long time. I read your story and...I don't think you are comfortable with him, I think you are conditioned. Have been conditioned, to little by little expect less and less until YOU have nothing inside. And you survive on the morsels he deigns to feed you. I know you want to hold it together for your family trip. Is this a trip with your adult children? Maybe its time to clue them in to what is actually going on. You need support for what is happening to you.

Ostrich80 posted 2/23/2014 18:54 PM

Comfortable, familiar..yea me too but it all boils down to fear of the unknown. I think deep down you know the answer to your question. If we deny it, we don't have to deal with it but in reality it takes a toll even when we choose to ignore and pretend to believe the lies. I hope you find your strength, I needto as well. ((Mochagurl))

StillGoing posted 2/23/2014 18:57 PM


shiloe posted 2/23/2014 19:49 PM

I just saw an email from OW saying she can't make it tomorrow night after all.

They were planning on hooking up, but he is not going to tell you that.

Please, how do I detach and learn to not care and have this stuff roll off my back. I am so comftable with him, but I am shaking and this is taking a toll on me and my job.

Sounds like you are accepting an “open” marriage. It will continue to take a toll on you.
Tell me, what is it you want? He is continuing to cheat, probably hiding it better? You can shut your eyes and look the other way. But don't be hurt when you find stuff like this again.

Mochagurl posted 2/23/2014 20:02 PM

I think maininpain has an interesting viewpoint. I agree I may have been conditioned to accept what he decides is useful for me to have.
OW sent him an email that said "I know you can't text me on the weekend, you are with your wife". What kind of people do this? Just crazy.

BAB61 I am probably a bit afraid about being on my own. I am living alone during the week because of his job right now, so I can test the waters so to say of being alone right now.

I want sure this was gas lighting. Last spring, during our son's college graduation, a cell phone kept buzzing and keeping me up at night. He told me he didn't hear it, and I must be dreaming! Turns out it was his secret phone. I serious thought I was going crazy.

I want to keep things happy and no waves. That's probably impossible.

He will never be the man I deserve. Right?

I think I can posted 2/23/2014 20:24 PM


The shit you've been getting your entire marriage? That is going to continue for the rest of your life. Unless you leave.

norabird posted 2/23/2014 20:34 PM

Have you set any boundaries? Have there been any consequences? It's hard because he won't admit, but that email is enough proof that his lies should not sway you.

It's an awful position he is putting you in but you don't have to accept it.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/23/2014 20:38 PM

I just feel a deep sadness for you. And anger. You can't possibly be happy with the way your life is...can you? I think change is always hard, and scary, but there are many on here that can attest to the fact that you CAN be leave and be happier! You will probably wonder why you stayed in the relationship for so long. Imagine all you are missing out on right now!

He's obviously never going to change. He's showed you time and time again EXACTLY who he is. You should believe him.

You deserve more.

RippedSoul posted 2/23/2014 20:46 PM

You ARE worth more, Mochagurl. You are!!! If you can't confront him today, then plan to tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then next week. If not then, then April. In the meantime, take his absences and work on strengthening and empowering yourself. Start looking for a job if you don't have one already. Open a bank account and start depositing any extra money (recycling, odd jobs, extra change). Tell your adult children what's happening. Find a therapist. Go to the gym or get a haircut or buy a new outfit--anything that makes you feel better about yourself. You know that you can't live like this anymore. You deserve more.


[This message edited by RippedSoul at 8:47 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

Mochagurl posted 2/23/2014 21:07 PM

You guys are great! I was so afraid y'all were going to 2x4 me.

I do work full time. I have an attorney. What I am hearing is I need to make him stop-no, I have to stop accepting his crap.

The one glitch is that my husband's current job is a temp job and I have been advised to wait to proceed until he has full time employment. We have been married a long time Nd this will affect spousal support. So I really need to wait.

The children are all adults. They know how my husband has treated me. They just don't want to get involved. I have been at a stand still so long but also wave back and forth and I know that is hard on the kids.

Something has to change. My weekends are missable, he is home and I just keep asking if he is seeing her and he says no. I need to stop this and work on not caring what he thinks.

whereismylove posted 2/23/2014 21:30 PM

I feel for you. I think most of us here worries that there will be years of ddays. The ow is a heartless freak and your ws... just no words! I bet you really love him and it hurts and scares you to think of being w out him? This is understandable. If you think that you could live with his constant cheating and still be ok then tell him that. say you don't care and then live your own life as much as you can and just be roommates and friends maybe date too. But if that would be too much then just end it asap like a bandaid . Don't think too much about it. just get divorce papers and fill them out. Don't even tell him. Yes, he is absolutely cheating still. No question... so sorry

[This message edited by whereismylove at 9:33 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

Dreamboat posted 2/23/2014 21:31 PM

I have to stop accepting his crap.

Exactly. He will continue to gaslight you as long as you allow it.

I personally would not wait to file. While this may be a temp job, I assume that he has been gainfully employed for most of your M. If so then the fact that it is a temp job does not really matter -- SS will be calculated based upon his earning potential which is generally calculated based upon the last 3-5 years of tax returns. Waiting a few months will not change that much at all.

In the mean time, start to hoard cash. When you grocery shop either buy some grocery or gas gift cards or get cash back with your debit card. I advise this because once you file he may get pissed that you are no longer accepting his bullshit and cut off his paycheck, so you need money to live on. Also, just prior to having him served, take 1/2 of the money out of any joint checking and savings account and place it into a new account with only your name. There are lots of things you can do to get your ducks in a row prior to filing so now is the time to do it. And tell him NOTHING.


Mochagurl posted 2/23/2014 21:45 PM

Dreamboat, I am planning on a dissolution. Would SS still be calculated on last 3-5 years pay? My attorney said if he isn't earning, there would be no SS.

He has really fudged up his career. Really, he should be making much more than he is making. But he screwed up and put us in this situation. At least he is making some money.

lovehatelove posted 2/24/2014 00:06 AM


I've been seeing NC a lot... what does it mean?

Ostrich80 posted 2/24/2014 00:11 AM

I would suggest to stop asking him if he's cheating and start working on your plan. It takes focus, energy sucking focus off of him and gives it back to you when you focus on yourself and your plan.

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