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Feelings towards the other BS?

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blakesteele posted 2/23/2014 20:47 PM

I never have felt anything but sorrow and sadness towards the other BS in my wife's affair .

Is this normal ? I blamed myself, then blamed wife's fAP for the A. Seems like I was on a role falsely blaming others for my wife's affair..... So seems logical I would falsely blame the other BS....right?

Been a good growth weekend....solo growth. Which is why I pondered this small part of my choices.

19 months out and it seems I have pondered most of the big parts.....

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:51 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

RippedSoul posted 2/23/2014 20:53 PM

Sorrow and sadness, yes. But a little resentment, too. He knew two months before I did--and NEVER told me!!! Had I known, SAWH's fall off the wagon (3 prostitutes/escorts) might not have been so extreme?

But since his WW is working on AP#3, I figure he's got more problems than he can deal with right now. Part of me wants to contact him and tell him about SI; part of me says stay out of it. :(

lostinthesouth posted 2/23/2014 21:15 PM

I feel that same sorrow and sadness bc other bs is still taking the blame for the A. Ow blamed her H from the get go. I wish I could direct him here as well bc he needs to do a good 180 on her, but then that opens the door to allow ow back into my world and she doesn't deserve anymore of my space. I pray for him to find strength to learn the truth. And I pray the karma bus finds her.

blakesteele posted 2/23/2014 21:22 PM

Aaahh yes. His wife is enduring yet another one of his affairs....he was in one less than two months after dumping my wife.

Sucks your other BS knew about it and chose not to tell you. Telling the other BS in my sitch was one of the best decisions I made. The fact that she chooses to blame herself for his lifestyle and continues to enable that destruction into her family ( 5 kids) makes me even more sad for her.

I totally think BS's need to tell the other. When I talked with her she said her husband admitted to having a running partner that was a woman.....and that he thinks it's better if he stopped running with her. She believed that until I produced the illicit emails and cell records.....then she took up his burden to beat and rattled off a laundry list of her faults. I hugged her for 3 seconds....twice in the 15 minute conversation. This scene will forever be burned in my mind.....dreadful, but necessary. I am sorry she is choosing as she is, but that is her choice.

A small part wants to help her....but I know it is futile. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I also think it risky to reach out to any other opposite-sex BS.....think rapid bonding would be a high probability.


bionicgal posted 2/23/2014 21:31 PM

OBS was a friend...I think of him often. I range from sadness to pity to a tiny bit of anger. (I think from what I've seen that he is a bit of a rug sweeper and an enabler.

Like Blake said, potentially dangerous territory for us to be in very good contact as the potential to bond over being hurt could be strong. But, I do miss him on on occasion and hope he is able to find a way to be happy.

Morhurt posted 2/23/2014 21:33 PM

There is one AP I could tell, but I haven't. I waffle between guilt and ambivalance about it. I am so glad (and traumatized) that an OBS told me and yet I can't seem to tell this other guy. One thing is that I have zero proof (lame excuse) but mostly it's that the OBS who told me threatened our family, we had to go to the police and I'm terrified of confrontation, never mind violence. H supports whatever I choose to do, so far I choose to do nothing. I do feel bad for the other BSs, but for some reason my empathy is limited, perhaps it will come in time.

Angel177 posted 2/24/2014 09:58 AM

OBS is a friend of mine. Actually wh, obs, and I lived together when we got our first apartment. He busted them and made wh tell me immediately so I'm very grateful for that. If he and I had talked about the things we each saw I think we could have figured it out a lot sooner but wh had told me if I took my suspicions to OBS he would leave me because he would consider that me trying to ruin his friendship with his best would think that knocking up he best friends wife might also strain their friendship...

We text a lot right after dday. His wife left him on dday with no answers so as I got info I passed along to him some of it and we listened to each other when we needed someone to listen. Wh knew we were talking and was welcome to read the texts but he didn't want too.

About 6 months after dday obs and wh started slowly talking and hanging out and are now closer then they have been in a long time so obs is at our house a lot so I see him on a regular basis. It was strange at first and sometimes still makes me angry that wh did this horrible thing and still has me and his best friend at his side but how can I be mad at obs for giving wh another chance when I'm giving him another chance too?

A lot of people thought it was odd that obs forgave wh. Our situation blew up publicly so everyone knows. I know both wh and obs struggled with people and their judgements about them being friends again.

[This message edited by Angel177 at 10:01 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

rachelc posted 2/24/2014 10:06 AM

No - he told me I was crazy for exposing his wife to her employer and family and that he was more angry at me than my husband.

I do feel a little sorry for OW2 husband as when I told him he said it was her third affair.

annb posted 2/24/2014 10:11 AM

Resentment....OW BS had intercepted a very telling email between WH and OW. OW BS confronted both of them without informing me of the situation. The A was just emotional at that point.

Needless to say, WH and OW assured OW BS that it was over, and within days OW began emailing WH again...four weeks later, she met my WH at his hotel.

Ascendant posted 2/24/2014 10:34 AM

One thing is that I have zero proof (lame excuse)
I don't really think that this reason is lame at all. Without proof of SOME kind, to the OBS you're just some weirdo making awful claims about their spouse. Also, without evidence of some sort the probability of gaslighting is sky-high.

blakesteele posted 2/24/2014 11:01 AM

Resentment....OW BS had intercepted a very telling email between WH and OW. OW BS confronted both of them without informing me of the situation. The A was just emotional at that point.
Needless to say, WH and OW assured OW BS that it was over, and within days OW began emailing WH again...four weeks later, she met my WH at his hotel.

Yeah, the other BS in my wifes affair knew about their affair well before I did.....but husband did that to buy him some more time.....just told her he was concerned for his heart health, started running, met a woman on the trail, she was married--just friends.....yadda yadda yadda. Other BS did not recognize it as an affair at that time. (niave, conditioning, FOO issues, lots of reasons why this error occurred....I don't blame her at all for not informing me earlier.).

Since then I have found out there was probably at least one other affair in his past and know their is another going within months of dumping my wife....and the other BS is still with him.

I suspect she has been conditioned and resigned to that stimulant....which does nothing but add to my sorrow for her and her family. To be sure I am don't feel sorry for her, as she can choose differently....just sad about the state of their marriage and what it is doing to 5 kids....Lord help them in their future relationships.

Actually, I can now see the fOM around town and feel a just a bit of anger towards him....but more sadness like I just described above.

One thing is that I have zero proof (lame excuse)

Morhurt....I also agree.....this is not a lame excuse. Facts are needed. Affairs are emotionally charged. You need facts in order to bring the light onto them and kill them. Affairs thrive in is one of the primary reasons affair partners work so hard at deception and lies....they NEED that darkness to have their A.

You attempting to bring light without factual truth would most likely fail.

When I approached the other BS I did what was written about and discussed on here.

I had hard proof with cell records and emails, I stuck to ONLY those facts, let her read some highlighted excerpts so that she knew I was not crazy or delusional, hugged her briefly when her tears were really streaming, then told her I would no longer contact her but that she could contact me should she feel the need.

So if you don't have proof.....I just don't see how you can let the other BS know effectively.


WOW!!!! That is some sort of sitch!!!! I can't believe my wifes A has stayed pretty much on the local gossip train but not gone public. Even if it had.....I cant imagine the strain his relationship with the other BS has gone through.

I pray for all affected by adultery....can't imagine when it involves STD's, previous family friends, illigetimate children.....

Adultery is so very toxic and destructive to everyone it touches.....simply amazing your husband has renewed friendship with the other BS....bodes well for your R efforts.

God be with us all.
God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:05 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

futurehoper posted 2/24/2014 11:12 AM

I'm conflicted about the other BS. He found out several weeks before I did, and did not tell me. We had several talks, and he seemed to be upfront with sharing what he knew/I told him everything I knew. But, more lately, he seems sketchy, alluding to improper texts, but then won't share them with me, trying to prod me into exposing his wife at work, but then running to her when I threatened to do so. (Is he trying to create a crisis for her that he can act as her hero???) Just don't trust him anymore, especially since he feels it is fine for my husband and his wife to continue working together, which leaves me as the only one of the 4 of us that sees their work relationship as a threat (she is his nurse, so they work very closely together). Very very frustrating.

blakesteele posted 2/24/2014 12:24 PM


Sorry for your sitch. My wifes fAP and his BS are choosing to continue in unhealthy ways....he is in another A and she, apparently, is fine with it. I suspect if her husband and my wife worked together she would be okay with that.

I am not and would not be.

It seems you have done all you can with the other BS.....serious co-dependency thing going on there....especially with him running to her side if she comes close to feeling the consequences of her actions. I say this because I was that person....very willing to take credit for my wifes affair, my wife at least able to tolerate that enough to take her infidelity to adultery scale after my I am intimately familiar with destructive co-dependency cycles.

My point of urging other BS to contact the BS's involved was to alert them to the fact that an affair had taken place.

Seems to me you have done that in your case......he is choosing to not fully embrace the damage it is doing....choosing instead to support his wife and let you do more lifting than is warranted.

I sincerely don't know how people go on with their M while the affair partners work together.

My wife sees her AP around town (small town) and while dropping and picking kids up at sucks, but I can deal with that. But to be in regular, lengthy contact where communication is easily available seems unreasonably risky.

I get that AP's are NOT a factor in a WS's decision.....adultery is singularly a selfish act.....and that my wife can find another willing AP by the end of the week if she wanted to. But to not have that separation to let the fog clear.....that just seems next to impossible to me.

....but I see it occurring.

To me, watching my wife react on DD.....she just was not able to break that "addiction" she had to her affair. The OM was able to...and did it cold turkey....but not my wife.

At the end of the day might as well see if the "addict" can "heal" by putting them right next to the drug that bit them, I guess.

I still have a nagging feeling inside me that my wife would still be in her affair had he not dumped her.

.....not sure how to reconcile that or if it ever will be reconciled.

God be with us all.

sisoon posted 2/24/2014 13:00 PM

The $h!%head knew 10 days before I did, and he didn't tell me.

In fairness, I know outing the A isn't easy. He's sort of a non-entity to me, as is ow.

introspect posted 2/24/2014 14:25 PM

Mostly I feel sad for him, and sad that we were both harmed by our spouses shitty choices.

There is a part if me that harbors some anger though. He knew about the affair almost as soon as it started. Did not tell me. Was totally okay with his wife working with my husband and even with them being "friends." The A ended the second i found out, as did their working relationship. Sometimes I resent him for that -- if he'd told me right away, there'd be far fewer trigger days for both of us.

I know he's just a guy who did what he felt he needed to do to (or not do) so generally I have tried to let this go, but this question just brought up some old resentment.

HFSSC posted 2/24/2014 20:39 PM

When I met OW's BH he seemed like a decent enough fellow who was surprised to find out that he was abusive and violent. I gave him copies of all the evidence I had, shook his hand and wished him luck.

Months later, during one of the ridiculous phone conversations with her that I subjected myself to, she accused me of making a pass at her H. I don't know if he told her that or she just made it up, but I told her those three teeth he had really didn't make me hot for him.

PositiveAttitude posted 2/24/2014 21:01 PM

OW divorced her BS half way through her A with my WH, so I'm not sure in my case the other BS even knows of the affair.

I do feel badly for the man she started dating during the last year of the A with my husband. From what I can gather by super sleuth online detective work this man really cares for her and she threw him down every time it looked like my WH was leaning in her direction.

Before the A officially, finally ended and NC was established by WH she was already living with this other boyfriend. He knew she was in an affair with a MM - had met my WH - but clung to hope that they would wind up together.

Sick, emotionally twisted people - all of them - even the other boyfriend, but I do still feel sorry for him.

Arnold01 posted 2/25/2014 01:38 AM

I have confused feelings toward the MOW's husband. I felt anger toward him for a long time, but that has now faded into not thinking much of anything.

We all knew each other and were couples' friends. When I discovered the affair, that triggered MOW to confess to her husband, and he immediately insisted on NC. My husband broke NC three weeks later (without my knowledge), and he and the MOW continued their contact in part because the other BS told his wife that he was ok with that. He thought it would help her get past her affair withdrawal. This all happened via emails between the three of them, which I saw later.

What I hate is that the other BS made a choice for me without my consent by telling his wife (and in turn, my H) that it was ok for them to reestablish contact.

When I found out a few weeks later, I was more devastated than on the original D-Day. And to think that both MOW and her BS aided my H in his continued deception!

Of course, the other BS wasn't responsible for my H's actions, but his giving the APs the ok to be in contact caused me enormous additional pain. Despite having a lot of empathy for what it is like to be a new BS and in shock, it's hard still for me to feel anything but anger (fortunately fading) toward him.

iwillNOT posted 2/25/2014 02:05 AM

I have felt mostly sorrow and compassion, and pity. When I contacted him to make sure he knew about the affair, he didn't want to know, didn't want to talk to me. I respect that as his decision, but I feel like the day will come when he will regret it. I hope not. It makes me sad to think about.

Zayda1 posted 2/25/2014 05:24 AM

I feel pity and anger. He knew about the affair weeks before I did and didn't say anything to me. We had seen each other socially during that time and he didn't say a word to me.

He contacted a lawyer on his dday and was told to get his ducks in a row. It took him over a year to kick her out. Last I heard they are separated and he has their four kids in their family home.

His WW was never remorseful and kept saying "it's just sex"...hence my pity.

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