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Sleep training DD not working because of ex.

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dindy posted 2/24/2014 04:15 AM

My nearly 2 year old DD sleeps really badly.

For weeks and weeks now I have been doing sleep training with her and getting nowhere. I have emailed ex about this before to say that we both need to be on the same page with this and that DD needs to sleep in her cot.

I've now found out from DS that DD sleeps in daddy's bed.

I feel like I am going around in circles now. I'm absolutely shattered and really angry with ex because he can't be bothered doing any hard work regarding sleep training.

My poor DD doesn't know whether she is coming or going. She only spends 2 nights a week at her fathers.

I was even thinking of taking her to the doctors to medicate her to get to sleep thinking that there was something seriously wrong with her. Ex agreed that it might be the best thing to do.

He is such a monster! Creating her sleep problems and then agreeing to have her medicated so that he doesn't have to work on her sleep training.

I emailed ex just now to say that he can take time off work and take DD to his and keep her there until he has sorted her sleep training out. He replied that he is exhausted as she doesn't want to sleep in her cot, and that is why she sleeps in his bed.

I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall!!

tushnurse posted 2/24/2014 13:01 PM


Remember honey, you cannot control what anyone else does. You can know that your daughter will learn what she can and cant get away with when she's with you, and when she's with dad. It's just how life is gonna be. Stick to your routine when she is with you. She will eventually fall into your patterns and habits, especially if you don't give in or waver on your routine. She will learn that dumb old dad can be manipulated and sleep with him when she's there. Even at 2 they start to figure this stuff out.
My kids learned very early on that Gma J was very strict about bedtime, just like mom, but Gma G was a pushover, and they could stay up all night if they worked her right.

(((and strength)))

dindy posted 2/28/2014 00:09 AM

Thanks tushnurse

I think the problem is that my DD is going through massive separation anxiety at the moment. And this coupled with being ferried from one parent and another is making it worse.

This week she hasn't slept for more than 2 hours at any one time and then really struggles to go back to sleep and remain asleep.

I really feel that I'm heading towards having a nervous breakdown as I'm just not coping. My DS is shattered too and morale is low.

Ex seems to be on board with helping so I am going to write down her daily routine and ask him to stick to it. Otherwise I am just going around in circles and mine and my DD's emotional health is suffering. She keeps getting ill because she is not getting the rest she needs.

I have contacted a homeopath and ordered a remedy to help deal with her anxiety. I'm hoping this will help her to settle so that sleep training works.

I have considered medicating her to help her sleep but I worry about the long-term effects of doing this. Instead, I'm also going back to my gp to go back on AD's as I feel that this is really halting my healing journey.

I'm praying that next week will be better.

Kajem posted 2/28/2014 03:53 AM

When XH left, my kids were very needy. They were older, 8-12. They would wake up, use the bathroom and want to sleep with me. Some nights I had all 4 of them (and the dog) in my bed. It was rough. It lasted a year for all but one. She had extenuating circumstances, it took her another year.

That being said, I live with my daughter and (almost 2yo ) granddaughter. DGD has terrible sleep issues, we are working on them-but most nights she spends part of the night with either dd or myself. I figure she'll out grow it.

Edited to ad:

Last month we moved her from her crib to a big girl bed (twin size). The reason we did it early, she is a very active sleeper (think whirlybird) and we figured the crib was confining her too much. We do know she sleeps very well in a queen size bed where she can move around without being impeded. She gets about 6 hours straight before waking up and walking across the hall to me or thru the house to DD. Those 6 hours were a HUGE step for her.

Is it possible your DD has a similar issue?

I always moved my kids when they were 2yo out of the crib. My last kid was a whirlybird sleeper, she made life miserable for XH and I, our bed was the only one she would sleep in. Our Pediatrician suggested moving her into a bed way early..(16 months) and she slept soundly after that. So did X and I, well after the first night watching her sleep!

Good luck, and consistancy is the key. To keep DGD in her room until she falls asleep we use a gate. When we go to bed, the gate comes down. She quietly gets up, out of bed and climbs into mine. Some nights I don't know she is there till I wake up. It's why we're not worried so much about it at the moment.

I hope this helped.



[This message edited by Kajem at 10:34 AM, February 28th (Friday)]

tushnurse posted 2/28/2014 08:21 AM

The trick is to be very very consistent.
I mean like militant, and unwavering.

I had one of those kids if you missed her sleepy window, she was up for at least another 8 hours. She would get more hyper the longer she was up.
One of the most valuable things I taught her was you have to stay in your room no matter what. If you can't sleep then you have to be quiet and stay in your bed. She learned how to play quietly.

The lack of sleep you have from worrying if they are getting up and all of that can make one crazy. Just try to let go and sleep, you need it, and you know what? At their ages they will wake you up if they really need you.

Routine routine routine though at bedtime is the most essential part of this. Doing the same stuff every night at the same time, with less stimulation. Turn the TV off, read a book, a warm bath with some lavender does wonders too.

(((and strength)))


castellana posted 2/28/2014 11:50 AM

I have one kid who was always a great sleeper and a another who was terrible. The good thing is that at 2 you can take the easy route that parenting experts tell you never to use: bribery.

I bought one of those lights that lets kids know when they are allowed to get out of bed -google "sleep training light" and told my daughter that if she stayed in her own bed she would get a donut for breakfast. That worked. Not healthy but neither is having a zombie for a mother.

I still snuggle up to her and read books til she falls asleep. But I like doing that.

castellana posted 2/28/2014 11:54 AM

Oh and I did try medicating her (I was desperate and asked the doctor about the dose) and cough medicine only works a couple nights then their little bodies get used to it. The doctor suggested putting a baby gate on her door but my little monkey got over that in an instant.

Another thing that's important is making sure that the temperature is right for her. My son needs a mountain of blankets on him or he wakes up at 3 am, cold.

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