I am four months out and we are in MC and this week seemed as painful as when I first found out.
There's a reason its called a roller coaster.
Hope you are seeing either an IC or MC. We can both hope that the good days will one day outnumber the bad!
Not sure if the hurt and pain will ever go away for me...
((((HUGS))))
I wish I knew how to make the pain stop...I am already doing everything in my power (taking meds, seeing an IC and MC, reading books, reading SI, keeping a journal, being more communicative with my H, etc) and it actually seems like things are getting worse, not better. But there's a little glimmer of hope that I have and I'm holding onto that for dear life...that hope is that all this pain will be worth it someday soon because I'll be in a better place. Please keep some hope alive that better days are ahead of you.
To me it is identical to PTSD, I struggled and still struggle somewhat with that. After an attempted murder and murder on Christmas in 2011. I thought the pain would never go away, I was triggered into flashbacks and violent episodes because of the pain. This feels exactly the same.
The good news is it does get better, I didn't notice it getting better, just noticed one day that it wasn't so bad. I had survived the ordeal and I very rarely have triggers set me off. The only triggers I have left from that are ambulances with sirens on, and groups of young men together terrify me.
It takes time and work but we will heal ourselves one day at a time, with or without the WS. Right now our souls are traumatized and we have to just hold on tight to our support systems during the roller coaster ride.
BS me 41 WH 42 his whore was my friend Married 24 years Finally finding R? 3 kids 3 grand kids DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014 DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
Luckily for now my WH understands this and even though it is extremely painful to him I can talk about it as much as I want to with him.
At first, the first few days, it was nonstop, hour after hour.
Then it dropped back to unpredictable episodes.
Gradually, as the months passed, it became less frequent.
Now for the more long-winded answer. I'm rather long winded on this issue.
I don't know when it stopped, but sometime in the first year the episodic gut wrenching stopped. I haven't had it since. We have had episodes of grief since, but I never felt that painful wrench with them, and I'd never felt anything like that before in my life either. When my wife reached the stage of true demonstrable and evident remorse, about 6-7 months out from D-Day, I could see that, feel it, and knew it. I think that changed a lot for me.
MC really helped, we had a good counselor, and reading about why people cheat helped as well. Getting that education really helped me get through it.
At first, although I knew that I had done all I could in my marriage to the best of my ability, I definitely felt like the cheating had something to do with me, something I was lacking, something I wasn't doing right in our marriage, something "me". This was when I was really hurting, hour after hour, after hour. We got into MC quickly, and it helped even if it was temporary.
I also had some idea that cheating and affairs were somewhat romantic like the things you see on TV. I'd had a brother who had an affair and left his wife, but I never imagined how painful that must have been for his wife. I'd had some very attractive women come onto me over the years, and not taken the bait, because I loved my wife and was satisfied with her and I knew my wife would hurt terribly if I did something like this, but thought of it more as in that she would hurt, but my understanding was rather limited in how severe it would be. I came to realize there was nothing romantic AT ALL about affairs.
Honestly, when this happened, the women coming on to me, I would get an image in my head of my wife at our home standing in front of me with the kids and angry tears streaming, I'd never want to chance that. I never thought about this in the context of other people, like another spouse (around half of the women who approached me were married). LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT IT WAS GOING TO BE ME BENT OVER ON THE FLOOR ON MY KNEES IN TEARS AND IN SHOCK AT WHAT I WAS HEARING ON THE 18TH ANNIVERSARY OF OUR FIRST DATE.
Gradually, as time passed, and long before I ever ended up on this site, I realized, recognized, and understood that my WS was really messed up and had brought that messed up thinking into the marriage with her but kept it repressed at first. I understood over time, that the very fact that I could know that this was a terribly destructive act, when I had opportunity, and something that I'd never want to visit on my spouse and children, was what kept me from doing it, and that it wasn't me that was lacking, it was her and her affair partner that lacked that very understanding or empathy, if only for a short period of time, for some reason.
It wasn't me that lacked something, it was them that were lacking. Easy to read, hard to really understand and believe.
Not long ago, a married colleague started paying more attention to me. It is clear, as clear as it could be without taking more interest and seeing where it led, that she is "interested". I know she is married, I've never met her husband but I've seen their picture with them both smiling in it. Today, with my new understanding, not only do I not want my wife to feel that pain, but I would never wish that pain, that I went through, on to the man in that picture with her. Maybe their marriage is different, maybe they don't care, but I'm never want to take that chance whether I was married or not.
That education helped. I have an excellent counselor, a bunch of people on here, and a bunch of writers who wrote books to thank.
It's a hell of an education to get, I feel like I've got a Ph.D. in how to eat a shit sandwich (actually, make that a shit-whale, it was a lot bigger than a sandwich).
I am so sorry for your pain. 2 months is still riding the crazy roller coaster, what you feel is normal. I remember at 2 months, I was so desperate for it to stop, I felt like it never would. But, I was wrong.
Right around 3 months it started to ease. Now, at 6 months out it is nowhere near as frequent or intense. Still pain, but not the full body, wrenching agony. Not every day, but at least every week.
I know it is a natural response to want to escape the pain. My best advice to you is to lean into it. Feel it, cry, grieve, let it come when it comes and let it subside. If you push the feelings down, they will only come back stronger. The more you allow yourself to feel it, the faster it heals.
6 months out, and I am so much better. Don't think I would be here, though, if I didn't go through that hell, really just go through it.
Hang in there!
