In the weeks since d-day, I have made about every mistake in the book - begged, pleaded, tried to nice him back, showed all my emotions. I told myself after Valentines day (which he half assed) I was not going to do any of that anymore and it was time for serious 180. He has shown little remorse, has very few consequences for his actions. I asked for NC but they work together and I was told that was not possible now and maybe ever. I tried to expose at his workplace on d-day and it was denied by both of them and I was threatened with having to pay spousal support if he lost his job.
I could tell over the past few months he wanted to leave. He hadn't done much to work on the marriage. He went to one MC session with me and said it wasn't doing any good so refused to go back. I should have kicked him out but I didn't for various reasons. Mostly because I just wasn't ready.
So now that he's gone, I feel like I have a chance to not screw things up any more, if that's even possible. I am not sure if I want him back, he has just been so awful to me since d-day. He says it's over between him and OW but my gut tells me otherwise. He would never admit that he's leaving me for her. I don't think he wants to be that guy. He's been setting it up for the last three months to look like if he left, it's because we had all these problems and he's been unhappy for years, which I didn't know about until d-day, of course. I told him if he left, I didn't want to talk to him anymore, and to let me know if he needs to come by to get something so I can be gone. What else can I do to make sure I don't continue to get stepped on? We have no children but there will have to be a home sale, which I am not looking forward to because I love my house. I'm afraid if I make any wrong moves now, he will retaliate by trying to screw me financially in a divorce. I have already seen a lawyer and he said that it would be easy because we have no kids, we just have to agree on how to split things up.
If you aren't in contact with him, you won't screw it up. Turn the focus inward - worry about yourself, because he sure isn't worrying about you.
What are you afraid is going to happen financially?
Hefty bag his stuff and have a friend tell him he can pick it up by x date or lose it.
You honestly are going to be so much happier without him once you come out on the other side. I think they do us a real favor when they finally throw in the towel and show their true colors.
It is very very rare that a man, having had an affair, leaves the marital home and is not going to hook up with the OW.
Sorry, but it is the very sad truth.
please don't think you can "nice" him into being fair in the divorce. Please also don't believe anything he says about not coming after your 401K. Honestly I would ANTICIPATE he will do that, and maybe he wont, but definitely plan on it being a possibility.
People say and promise all kinds of things when it comes to money when initiating a divorce, but when it comes down to it, they go after the dollars.
Protect yourself, get a good lawyer now. In some states, infidelity is a bar to alimony. You must get good legal representation asap and be proactive with the divorce.
Most importantly, detach emotionally. Don't let him access to any part of you - emotionally, intellectually, friendship-wise, sexually, etc. He wants to go, so let him and move on focusing on yourself.
A different, more combative lawyer?
Being ahead of the game right now is your only avenue. Get a lawyer and get smart. Get together all of your retirement plans along with all of your debt, pull his credit rating and make sure he has not added any more debt or credit cards to your debt load. Follow what your head should do and not your heart.
It was the best advice I got.
And if he is going to go after the money then he was going to do it anyway, there is no way you could have stopped that.
If you can get his promises in writing soon and stamped by a judge, you might have a shot at it. You can phrase it as "freeing him to find his happiness" (without vomiting ). You say this sadly, but of course you are thinking about what's best for him.
You do need to brace yourself, because when the reality of paying for his new life hits, and other realities, he will blame you and want to make you "pay."
Best of luck.
[This message edited by I think I can at 2:50 PM, February 24th (Monday)]
Also, it stands to reason that if he is entitled to half of your pension/retirement account, then you would also be entitled to half of his new business he started during the M with marital funds, no?