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He Left Today - Need Advice

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KittenLittle posted 2/24/2014 06:18 AM

WH left this afternoon to "clear his head" for a few days. He said he couldn't take the coldness in the relationship anymore and he was miserable.

In the weeks since d-day, I have made about every mistake in the book - begged, pleaded, tried to nice him back, showed all my emotions. I told myself after Valentines day (which he half assed) I was not going to do any of that anymore and it was time for serious 180. He has shown little remorse, has very few consequences for his actions. I asked for NC but they work together and I was told that was not possible now and maybe ever. I tried to expose at his workplace on d-day and it was denied by both of them and I was threatened with having to pay spousal support if he lost his job.

I could tell over the past few months he wanted to leave. He hadn't done much to work on the marriage. He went to one MC session with me and said it wasn't doing any good so refused to go back. I should have kicked him out but I didn't for various reasons. Mostly because I just wasn't ready.

So now that he's gone, I feel like I have a chance to not screw things up any more, if that's even possible. I am not sure if I want him back, he has just been so awful to me since d-day. He says it's over between him and OW but my gut tells me otherwise. He would never admit that he's leaving me for her. I don't think he wants to be that guy. He's been setting it up for the last three months to look like if he left, it's because we had all these problems and he's been unhappy for years, which I didn't know about until d-day, of course. I told him if he left, I didn't want to talk to him anymore, and to let me know if he needs to come by to get something so I can be gone. What else can I do to make sure I don't continue to get stepped on? We have no children but there will have to be a home sale, which I am not looking forward to because I love my house. I'm afraid if I make any wrong moves now, he will retaliate by trying to screw me financially in a divorce. I have already seen a lawyer and he said that it would be easy because we have no kids, we just have to agree on how to split things up.

Williesmom posted 2/24/2014 07:27 AM

Hard 180 and NC. Take care of yourself and your needs.

If you aren't in contact with him, you won't screw it up. Turn the focus inward - worry about yourself, because he sure isn't worrying about you.

I think I can posted 2/24/2014 08:34 AM

Why would he NOT try to screw you over financially? He's gonna be mad and selfish no matter what you do or how you act. So just do what's best for you and assume that he's gonna CONTINUE doing what he's been doing, which is being a selfish asshole.

What are you afraid is going to happen financially?

KittenLittle posted 2/24/2014 09:22 AM

Well, I have a pretty sizable pension and retirement account and he has nothing because he pissed his away on the business he started. He's entitled to half and has said he won't touch that and how could I think he would do such a thing? I am afraid if a D doesn't go exactly as he wants, he will go after it.

norabird posted 2/24/2014 11:24 AM

You're right kittenlittle, this IS a great chance to change your approach and get on the right track. It starts with letting him go, being as glad as you can rationally that he is gone, looking to the future, focusing on yourself, not being in contact AT ALL (hard, but you'll get there), and of course following through with that lawyer. Rally your friends and family for support and take care of yourself--manicures, nice treats, long baths, whatever!

Hefty bag his stuff and have a friend tell him he can pick it up by x date or lose it.

You honestly are going to be so much happier without him once you come out on the other side. I think they do us a real favor when they finally throw in the towel and show their true colors.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 2/24/2014 12:09 PM

Absolutely he is leaving to be with the OW.

It is very very rare that a man, having had an affair, leaves the marital home and is not going to hook up with the OW.

Sorry, but it is the very sad truth.

please don't think you can "nice" him into being fair in the divorce. Please also don't believe anything he says about not coming after your 401K. Honestly I would ANTICIPATE he will do that, and maybe he wont, but definitely plan on it being a possibility.

People say and promise all kinds of things when it comes to money when initiating a divorce, but when it comes down to it, they go after the dollars.

Protect yourself, get a good lawyer now. In some states, infidelity is a bar to alimony. You must get good legal representation asap and be proactive with the divorce.

Most importantly, detach emotionally. Don't let him access to any part of you - emotionally, intellectually, friendship-wise, sexually, etc. He wants to go, so let him and move on focusing on yourself.


KittenLittle posted 2/24/2014 12:27 PM

Thank you all for your replies. It really helps on a day like today. I thought I would feel relieved after he left but I just feel like shit. I know time is my friend. Thanks again.

sisoon posted 2/24/2014 13:55 PM

Hire a PI to see if he continues his A? Especially if you're not in a no-fault state, that could be useful.

180 definitely.

A different, more combative lawyer?

realitybites posted 2/24/2014 14:35 PM

I am so sorry your WS left the home. This is a tragic and traumatic time for you. Even though you have done everything wrong so far (by your own words) you are reaching out for help to the SI community. The best advice I ever got was "just do it" even if it goes against your "emotional" grain...don't let your heart lead you. You are thinking about money and that is good, but your faulty thinking is that "he might not go after it" type of thinking...meaning he has cheated and lied and now left the house but somehow you don't think he will go after the money???

Being ahead of the game right now is your only avenue. Get a lawyer and get smart. Get together all of your retirement plans along with all of your debt, pull his credit rating and make sure he has not added any more debt or credit cards to your debt load. Follow what your head should do and not your heart.

It was the best advice I got.

And if he is going to go after the money then he was going to do it anyway, there is no way you could have stopped that.

I think I can posted 2/24/2014 14:49 PM

I have been on SI for 6 years, and I have seen a few divorces here where the WS gave up money. In every single instance, it was early on, when the WS still felt guilty, and the AP was a shiny new toy. Time is your friend for healing, but not necessarily for keeping your money.

If you can get his promises in writing soon and stamped by a judge, you might have a shot at it. You can phrase it as "freeing him to find his happiness" (without vomiting ). You say this sadly, but of course you are thinking about what's best for him.

You do need to brace yourself, because when the reality of paying for his new life hits, and other realities, he will blame you and want to make you "pay."

Best of luck.

[This message edited by I think I can at 2:50 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

TennisTC posted 2/24/2014 15:39 PM

I'm so sorry KittenLittle. You deserve SO much better.

Also, it stands to reason that if he is entitled to half of your pension/retirement account, then you would also be entitled to half of his new business he started during the M with marital funds, no?


KittenLittle posted 2/24/2014 19:38 PM

The business failed a few years back so he's just a regular working stiff again, with no retirement account...

BAB61 posted 2/24/2014 22:39 PM

I think him leaving is your answer about where you're going. Unfortunately he most likely will try to shaft you when it comes to assets. Make copies of all your income tax returns for the last few years. If he left his pay statements, make copies of that .. and certainly make copies of any major purchases. Keep these copies in the trunk of your car or at your work. Where he can not access them. Give them to your L when you can.


Ostrich80 posted 2/25/2014 01:39 AM

Clearing his head = seeing ow..IMO
Let him go and get things rolling. Don't get angry at him just tell him your setting him free to be with his ow and race to the lawyer. You may have a chance to keep your pension while he still has his head up his ass..

joannie posted 2/25/2014 02:07 AM

So sorry for you, chin up as we Brits say, not easy I know that for a fact...take care

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