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Facing the broken..

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karmahappens posted 2/24/2014 06:37 AM

I have come a long way in my personal journey after my husband's affair.

I had many FOO issues and a history of childhood trauma that led me to be the person I was. I was a yes or no girl. Black or white, right or wrong, in or out. No in between. Very little empathy or understanding for those who, in my opinion, didn't live the way they "should".

I grew up with a mom who was loving me the only way she knew how. I was never good enough. She had the need to judge others and passed it along to me. Very hard on everyone.
She passed her broken to me and unless it is changed it is a cycle that will never end and snow-ball through generations.

I have a brother, he is 2 years younger and I have always considered him an alcoholic and an asshole.

He was a big piece in my healing. Not him as my brother now, but my memories of him as a child. Going through my IC and replaying the events in my life that changed the roadmap of who I was supposed to be, the things that robbed the "good" in me, the happy, innocent pieces that were stolen from my personality, I started to see my brother and myself as those little kids. I remember the innocent faces, the smiles, and I started to understand we were only broken, we weren't bad. The people we had become as adults were directly related to how we were raised and hurt as children.

I remember crying for my brother one IC session as I pictured the hurt he had on his face during one incident. I began to forgive myself for being so broken. I understood where the pain was from and I started to put into place actions and changes that allowed me to re-map myself. I needed to right the wrongs I had endured internally to change who I had become. I needed to learn to love myself and remove the unloving feelings that were woven in my heart when I was so young.

In healing, learning and growing to forgive myself I began to see others the same way I saw myself. When I encounter a person who was angry, mean spirited and hard to deal with I wonder what pain they had endured, what did they have to carry in their hearts to make them who they were today. It made me sad and it made the act of forgiving easier to do.
Because of who my brother has become as an adult we do not have a relationship. I used to hate him, or as close as one can get to hate. He drinks a lot, is judgmental and mean towards people, has zero empathy and needs to make people feel small in order to feel anything "good" about him.

I have come to forgive him, not because he asked, but because he hasn't been given the gift of this sight yet. He hasn't been able to see that there is good in him, that what happened to us as children didn't happen because we were bad, it happened because we were raised by parents who were broken.

I don't excuse his behavior and I don't invite broken into my life. But I now understand it. I see where it could be and has been me. I see the broken pieces in my husband and kids as we try to understand the need to readjust our thinking. I share with them how my broken is, in part, why they have quirks or little idiosyncrasies that need to be addressed. I invite them to look into themselves, through themselves and into me to find their answers.

And I forgive, I let go and I say a little prayer when I see someone I know that lives in a world of hurt but hasn't found their way.

Doesn't mean I am perfect, it means I struggle with doing my best, acknowledging when those little negative pieces in me want to come through. I try to reel back the times it does and do better next time. It opened me up to forgive the people who have hurt me, including the OW, my old friend, even when they are unable to forgive themselves.

I see the hurt and pain for what it was and how it came to be and I try each day just to heal a little more.


Sorry for the length of this. I was hoping it would make one person think and maybe start to understand that the pieces inside of us that we damn ourselves for aren't always our doing. It is our responsibility as adults to fix them, but not everyone is fortunate enough to get the chance to see what is right in front of them. My IC is an amazing woman. Her ability to have me change the lenses on the glasses I was wearing allowed me to see things differently and truthfully. It is a whole new world when one is able to remove the pain and baggage they carried from childhood. If you suffer from the same, I cannot stress enough how important IC can be. BS/WS...whatever. In the end we are people just trying to understand. For me, this was one of the biggest pieces to healing.

Strength and peace to everyone in their journey.

Suckerpunched66 posted 2/24/2014 08:08 AM

Karma....I needed to see this post today. Thank you so much for sharing . It gives me hope. :)

Alex CR posted 2/24/2014 08:12 AM

Sounds like your IC was the perfect match for you. I was lucky to find one that could help me work out similar issues. She was the third one, though -after stating I was there because I was dealing with infidelity, the first one immediately handed me a box of tissue and said 'you poor dear'... I said no thanks and left. Not a weepy crying 'poor dear' kind of girl but instead needed an IC who could help me 'change the lenses' as you so nicely put it.

He hasn't been able to see that there is good in him, that what happened to us as children didn't happen because we were bad, it happened because we were raised by parents who were broken.

This is the key to it all....people don't always 'do' things to us because we are bad or evil or we deserve it...they do things because they are the ones with the issues and we are the fallout whether it's our parents, our spouses or our friends.....

Learning to take responsibility for what is truly ours and being able to let go of the side effects from other's behavior is freeing.

Thanks for sharing so eloquently your journey which is one so many of us are also travelling.

AFrayedKnot posted 2/24/2014 08:34 AM

Pure empathy- Thats beautiful karma

Often we expend so much effort trying to be understood that we miss that the real freedom lies in being understanding.

karmahappens posted 2/24/2014 12:48 PM

Thanks guys...it's ben a long road.

Chicho, this was beautifully said

Often we expend so much effort trying to be understood that we miss that the real freedom lies in being understanding.

I can honestly say that my marriage and my R would not be where it is today if I hadn't worked through these issues.

I would have gotten stuck, and how easy it would have been to then blame the demise of my marriage on my husband's A.

In reality, the A issues were fix-able with a remorseful spouse, it's the foo issues, the baggage that would have hurt R. I am not discounting our pain as BS's...at all. I just really respect the power our issues have over us when we don't realize it. They cloud the picture and make situations seem more difficult to get through when they block the way.

Removing them gave us a straight shot to healing together and I will be forever grateful for my IC's knowledge she so willingly shared.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 12:56 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

Rebreather posted 2/24/2014 13:59 PM

I also found some things that needed fixing during the IC process. I was resentful for that for a good long time. I no longer am, because I am a much better version of myself now.

Agree, Chicho, extremely well said.

orchidsoul posted 2/24/2014 15:48 PM

Thank you for posting this, Karma.


AML04 posted 2/24/2014 21:01 PM

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

Morhurt posted 2/25/2014 02:28 AM

Thank you. So kind and wise. I aim for that one day... I hope my IC can help me the way yours has helped you. And that I can be brave enough to let her guide me.

LA44 posted 2/25/2014 08:49 AM

Thank you, Karma. You are a gift.

Chicho, think I will write this down and put it in my closet near by calendar.

Often we expend so much effort trying to be understood that we miss that the real freedom lies in being understanding.

Have a good day, all.

SpotlessMind posted 2/26/2014 12:45 PM

Thanks so much so sharing this, Karma--and you were right. I can totally relate.

I'm so glad IC is helping to guide your way to a whole and healthy YOU. I also think it helps so much to acknowledge that everyone is human and messes up. If we can extend kindness or forgiveness to those who misstep and hurt us, then surely we can extend the same kindness to ourselves.

((Hugs))

karmahappens posted 2/26/2014 12:49 PM

It can be a long, difficult road Spotless, but the freedom you have when you reach the other side is amazing.

I still have moments when the broken me wants to take over, but I see it now. My husband sees it too and together we pull it back and regain our focus on healing.

I wish you the best on this journey. Congratulations for knowing it has to be taken

((hugs))

ItsaClimb posted 3/1/2014 01:03 AM

Thanks so much for this Karma.

My fWH and I both have a lot of "broken" that needs fixing and we are working on it slowly but surely. I was doing pretty well and then the last 2 weeks things have cropped up that make me realise I still have a long way to go. But get there I must!

A couple of things that I so needed to read today:

In healing, learning and growing to forgive myself I began to see others the same way I saw myself. When I encounter a person who was angry, mean spirited and hard to deal with I wonder what pain they had endured, what did they have to carry in their hearts to make them who they were today. It made me sad and it made the act of forgiving easier to do.

He hasn't been able to see that there is good in him, that what happened to us as children didn't happen because we were bad, it happened because we were raised by parents who were broken.

This is the key to it all....people don't always 'do' things to us because we are bad or evil or we deserve it...they do things because they are the ones with the issues and we are the fallout whether it's our parents, our spouses or our friends.....

karmahappens posted 3/1/2014 08:47 AM

Hey itsaclimb.

My dday is five years before yours to the date. although we don't struggle with A issues anymore, I found the personal growth and healing is a forever process.

I have days when I know the broken me is driving the taxi. I just correct my thinking and try to do better.

It has become more enjoyable to learn and heal myself along the way and the job isn't as overwhelming as it once was. ....keep learning ♥

blakesteele posted 3/1/2014 09:17 AM

You rock Karmahappens!

Love this post.....love the LENGTH of your post!

I could go on about each point as it resonates with me....but I will summarize briefly with this.

I am realizing just how broken I was....the pain of my wifes adultery opened the door for me to look inside and see parts of me. Parts of me that my FOO coping mechs and other choices I have made have helped conceal from me.

The pain of my wifes actions linger....but I am starting to get a real sense of healing as a whole person.

Surprising to me, while some of this healing is very painful, it is not nearly as painful as how I have lived parts of my life up until my DD.

It feels good to have reduced fear, even if it means increased pain.

Like you pointed out......our parents, our siblings, our spouses, and ourselves all did the best we knew how. Sure I was fooling myself at times, and I chose to be fooled.

But we NOW have new choices, a new alertness, an unwillingness to be fooled.....and not just by our fWS, but by our ownselves.

Radical honesty and intentional living.....a new-to-me concept. I am practicing it now, but still stumble.

Between you and Itsaclimb.....your detailed, thought filled posts of late have absolutely jelled up and fell in line with where my journey is taking me.

God bless us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:07 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]

blakesteele posted 3/1/2014 09:23 AM

I was hoping it would make one person think and maybe start to understand that the pieces inside of us that we damn ourselves for aren't always our doing.

...and this is why we are to live in the present. Our past will hold us back if we let it.

"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows but only empties today of its strength"--Charles Haddon Spurgeon.

Peace.

Kyrie posted 3/1/2014 09:25 AM

Karma, you rock - what an inspiration you are to me. Thank you for taking the time to put these wise words out there for the rest of us to read.

Chicho, this:

Often we expend so much effort trying to be understood that we miss that the real freedom lies in being understanding.

So, so true.

I've found that healing comes like a soothing balm when I face the broken (mine, my H's, even strangers on the street.) For the longest time, I resisted accepting or acknowledging my H's brokenness because I didn't want to believe that about him. IC helped me work through why I would do this -- lots and lots of reasons, by the way. But eventually, I was able to accept the broken parts of my H and not feel threatened by them. I have sought to understand him which has allowed me to feel compassion for him. And that has been a gift of grace to both of us.

PEACE (((karmahappens)))

karmahappens posted 3/1/2014 17:34 PM

Thanks guys. I believe we all have ability to get to a healthier place if we keep our eyes and hearts open.

Getting to Happy posted 3/2/2014 12:27 PM

Food for thought. Thank you Karma.

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