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Newest Member: HelloRain (46007)

User Topic: F#ck&ng OW! About to Explode!
brokendancer7
♀ 39911
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H has been NC with OW since DD. She called and texted him (ignored) until he changed his cell number. She has come by our house and left notes on his car, and while I was out of town even came to our house and rang the doorbell in the middle of the night. (He called the police, but she left before they got there). But the last 4 months have been good, and OW-free. I am still conflicted, but some rebuilding has taken place.

H just called me from work. During the A, he called OW one time from his boss's phone. She apparently kept the number, because she called his boss this morning and asked to speak to H. Boss said she had the wrong number (cubicles - husband could hear) and hung up. She called back three times until boss told him he had to get rid of her. She was screaming and crying about how she was going to kill herself. H told her he couldn't talk to her, but then ended up being on the phone with her for 5 minutes, telling her she had to get hold of herself and get some rest, or some such. So now, the monster has been fed. She got her big, steaming bowl of ego kibbles.

H asked me what he should have said. How about, "Call 911" or " Call your mama", or maybe, "Call your 'boyfriend' who is paying for your condo and all your bills." (He is even older than my H). She told H if she killed herself it would be his fault. And "Why was he so nice to her? Why did he just leave her?" She never stops to think how it would be to be married to someone for 34 years and have your H betray you. (BTW, she is not some innocent flower. She met her current man when he was a customer of the strip club where she was dancing.)

This is around the time their A started last year, and I know we have not heard the last of her. I feel trapped. If he called her, or was pining away for her, the answer would be simple - divorce, new life, peace and quiet. But, although he opened up this can of worms last year, he seems to feel the weight of what this has done to our marriage now. I am furious at him for getting himself (and us) into this situation, but he didn't make contact, and is almost hysterical about it. We put off going to a lawyer to see if we could protect ourselves from OW, but now we have to. Aren't affairs wonderful? About $1500 a month for various forms of counseling, and now lawyer's fees. It would certainly have been cheaper for him to just tell me he was upset to begin with.

I just want to crawl in a hole.


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2013
Trying2Survive1
♀ 40022
Member # 40022
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Broken)))

I'm so sorry you are going through this shit ...again


Madhatters, M 33 yrs
FWW/BS 58 BS/FWH 57
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
Cookie7088
♀ 30038
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When she threatens suicide...she is threatening to harm herself.

He should not stay on the phone with her, but hang up, call 911 - alert the authorities to complete a well-being check on a person who is threatening suicide, and give them the last known information on her. That is it. He has done his part.

No more communication. After that, each and every time she pulls this stunt...call 911 and follow the same process. After a while, she will get the hint, or the authorities will do something.

Now is the time to obtain a restraining order...she is ramping up...she's calling his work, appearing on your premises, and making "threats" of harm to herself.

You are getting close to "Bunny Boiler" status......


Posts: 675 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His response "Go ahead, please do, and then I would never have to hear from you again." Or, better yet, does he know her address? He needs to call 911 and tell them this bitch is threatening suicide and they will have to respond. A trip to the psych ward would probably do OW some good.

I am so sorry that OW continues to harass. Have you sent a NC letter? If so, yes the next step is to make a police report and to talk to a lawyer to get an official looking letter sent.

So sorry. ((((brokendancer7))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10082 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this just happened this morning I would call 911 and report her now. It isn't too late.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10082 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Ivyivy
♀ 42110
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I have no advice beyond what the other writers mentioned. Determine a plan of action with WH so that he is prepared to deal with the situation if it happens again and hopefully she will stop calling if it does not get her the type of attention she is seeking. And I get your thoughts on the expense of it all - whenever my WH even mentions the cost of anything else, I have to mentally think and stop myself from throwing this cost out on the table.


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
TheThreeYearFool
♀ 41218
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brokendancer7)))

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Sometimes I think people who have A's feed on drama, and I hate that as BS'es we're pulled into this drama without our consent.

And in an especially classless move, OW pulled your WH's boss into it!

That being said, although my WH has done tons of things wrong one thing he knew how to do correctly was handle suicide threats from OW when he ended the A: "Are you serious? Because if so I'm going to hang up and call 911."

That shut her up. And it's the right thing to do when people threaten suicide. If someone is truly suicidal, he or she NEEDS emergency services.

Work out a plan with your H. When OW threatens suicide, he hangs up and calls 911 to report a possible suicidal person.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Stillstings
♀ 36549
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to tell his boss what is going on if he hasn't already. Or he can kiss this job goodbye, many places do not take well to harassment and this is exactly what is going on. She is going to escalate and it won't be pretty. I have a feeling she will start showing up, and as other posters said, make a plan. Even you said she will not stop so put something in place.

Ugh, so sorry.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh BD7, I feel for you. I would be mad as hell, and be doing all I could from driving to her house with an instruction manual on doing it right.

What a psycho.

If he didn't contact 911, please do, and inform them of the events of the morning.

file for a restraining order, so if she F's with him at work again, he can show he has done all he can to keep her from contacting him.

Sit down with your H and tell him that he is not to speak with her. If she was threatening self harm to his boss, he should simply hang up and call 911. Have a plan in place on how to handle if there were a next time, and talk about other scenarios, like what to do if she shows up at his work, and what to do if she comes to your house threatening self harm. Play them out and have a plan, that way you both won't be caught off guard if she acts out again.

Definitely file the order of protection though.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8886 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He should not stay on the phone with her, but hang up, call 911 - alert the authorities to complete a well-being check on a person who is threatening suicide, and give them the last known information on her. That is it. He has done his part.

No more communication. After that, each and every time she pulls this stunt...call 911 and follow the same process. After a while, she will get the hint, or the authorities will do something.

Now is the time to obtain a restraining order...she is ramping up...she's calling his work, appearing on your premises, and making "threats" of harm to herself.

You are getting close to "Bunny Boiler" status......

^^^This! Especially the restraining order part. She could end up costing your husband his job.

Sending strength and (((hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he should have called 911 and reported, then hung up but I'm going to be the minority here but I think because she had called the boss, he probably panicked trying to keep her and the situation under control and that's wjy he talked to her for 5 min. Now he knows if it happens again what to do. That's my take on it. I would get a RA going too since she's now calling his job


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5270 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to explain this to his boss, apologize profusely, and ask if his boss can block that number. This OW won't stop, obviously. She's very damaged and doesn't mind who knows it.

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with her. How heartbreaking.

I wonder how your H got his bosses cell in the first place. It's an odd request, to say the least. His boss may have known what was up well before DDay. Regardless, OW calling the boss needs to stop. The boss needs to know to block that number.

This isn't good. I'm so sorry for you.

(((((hugs)))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SadInNC
♀ 42170
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Restraining Order
911 and a trip to the Psych Ward is in order

This woman is in crazytown now. Don't let her do any more damage.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC warned that my H's sociopath OW would react to NC like a vampire. She would be desperate to make contact and it would be ugly. It was. She tried over and over with various methods to get to him and get her fix. The IC told him to give her nothing in return in order to strangle the A. He told H that she would eventually go away for awhile, and more than likely try again. He said that when completely desperate she would come back to him, the familiar victim, just like a vampire. She came back, just like IC predicted and got nothing.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1609 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
brokendancer7
♀ 39911
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I appreciate the help more than you know. This afternoon, H is calling a lawyer our MC recommended.

H borrowed his boss's phone for some reason during the A, having to do with me not finding out. Since there were already tons of calls to her number on our bill, labeled with one of his friends' names, I don't know what it was supposed to accomplish. He can't remember his f'ed up thinking at the time. He already had to tell his boss after DD, when he had to start taking annual leave for Counseling appointments, but now the boss is going to have to tell his wife, so she doesn't see the calls on their bill and freak out.

The problem with us calling 911 is that he doesn't know exactly where she lives. They had their get-togethers here and other places. I am Googling like crazy to try to get an address.

Thank you again! I am still shaking and my head is spinning, but I'm holding onto the concrete actions of consulting with a lawyer, and figuring out with H what he has to say when it happens again.

I do and don't feel a little sorry for H. Reminds me of the old urban legend where a woman goes on vacation and brings home what she thinks is a cute chihuahua puppy. She cuddles and snuggles with it until someone finally tells her that it is actually a sewer rat. H thought he was having fun, and ended up cuddling with a (crazy) sewer rat.


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2013
strongerdaybyday
♀ 40264
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She never stops to think how it would be to be married to someone for 34 years and have your H betray you.

I've yet to hear of an OW who has been worried about the spouse. In most cases the spouse is blamed for ending their "relationship"

I tend to agree with the others a suicide threat needs to be reported not "consoled" especially when she's just trying to get attention.

Good luck hun!


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sadmumma
♀ 42192
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would certainly have been cheaper for him to just tell me he was upset to begin with.

aint that the truth....



On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
gettherefromhere
♀ 22932
Member # 22932
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call 911 and give them any phone numbers the OW ever called from. Let them track the address down. They have more resources than you do.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Feb 2009
BAB61
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've got a lot of good advice already .. so here are hugs! (((brokendancer7)))


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Topic Posts: 19

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