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FaithnMe posted 2/24/2014 11:00 AM

So my weekend was pretty plain. Dinner with my girlfriends friday night, home most of day with my DD, then again had dinner plans saturday. Was going to stay out a big late, but H had DD (which he never really does anymore) and stated I needed to be home by 10 so he could go get something to eat. I refused. For once I should be allowed to go out and not have a time limit on "Me" time. But then H started to get upset and said he was going to just head into town to grab a bite with a DD. She is 3. And it was also 10 oclock at night. Absolutely not. She has a bed time and I did not want him to drag her to town, knowing she was tired and had no nap that day. So I ended my night early. Home I went, and he left to go out. ASked him not to return, but of course he did. He never listens to anything I ask of him.
Yesterday morning he admits that he texted OW, because of the things I had been hearing. He states there is nothing between him and OW and its all my assumptions and rumors. I got upset of course, cuz i asked him not to contact her anymore. We started to fight and argue. I wasnt yelling but I didnt stop nagging either. I wanted him out. I wanted him to leave. I am so hurt and am sick of being his doormat.
He wouldnt leave. This is the man who states to everyone that he doesnt live at home, (I kicked him out last month due to OW) but has been staying at house last 3 weeks.
He got mad. Actually ive never seen him that way before. Threw a book shelf in our room in my direction, it hits me in the side. I was stunned. I couldnt believe he did that. At this point i was hysterical and wanted him to leave. It really did hurt. Hes never hurt me before, never laid hands on me, but told him if he didnt leave i would call 911. he once again got extremely mad and punched out the mirrow to my vanity. This man is strong. He is in the gym every day. competes in crossfit competitions. His hand is a mess. My side is bruised and im so confused about the whole situation. Of course he started to cry, couldnt believe he did all that. Told me he "loves" me. He stopped telling me that 7 months ago when this all started. Said he wants a fresh start and to be with me.
I didnt talk much to him after that. I left. when I returned he went to grocery. Went grocery shopping for me, made dinner for me and kids and kept apologizing.
I dont know if it will happen again, if this situation is the point I should walk away. My head hurts. My heart feels like its breaking all over again..

Nature_Girl posted 2/24/2014 11:04 AM

Yes, you are past the point of no return. In fact, where you are right now is the point of needing to file a police report for spousal battery domestic violence, and go to a hospital to have your injury documented.


Do not downplay and minimize what has happened.

Undefinabl3 posted 2/24/2014 11:07 AM

Faith, I want you to know that every single person that will post will tell you to leave this man.....take the kids and LEAVE

If you do not have a place to stay, then call a shelter for women, every one you can find until you get a bed.

The fact that he has never shown this kind of anger, and then escalates so very quickly is NOT something to just brush off.

Please, you need to be safe!

OnAnIsland posted 2/24/2014 11:08 AM

I didn't read your profile, but it sounds like this is the time to go. You need to keep yourself and DD and your other kid/s safe. You are not safe with him. He is manipulative, as you know. But now he has started with physical violence. he surprised and scared himself. He will be well behaved for a while now, but that is a part of the cycle of abuse and violence. He will grocery shop, cook food, etc. He will say he can't believe he did that, etc. But he did it. And it is known as a cycle of domestic violence, because it is just that. these stages repeat and some become more compressed than others. I would get my ducks in a row and make my exit plan.

Take care of yourself, but protect yourself and your kids.

disclaimer- firsthand experience of infidelity, but not domestic violence. previous professional training and work with survivors of domestic abuse and violence.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 11:08 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

norabird posted 2/24/2014 11:09 AM

I dont know if it will happen again, if this situation is the point I should walk away.

Yes, it is time for this. I agree with NG--file a police report, document the injury. And he needs to leave your home.


atsenaotie posted 2/24/2014 11:12 AM

I dont know if it will happen again, if this situation is the point I should walk away.

Why wouldn't it happen again? This is apparently the (one of the?) ways that your H has learned to cope and manage his anger, fear, resentment, whatever. Not only will it likely happen again, he is already teaching this to your DD, normalizing it so that she will accept in her relationships.

How is any of what you describe demonstrating the loving behavior one would expect from a person who loves us? Throwing a book shelf and bruising you, breaking a vanity, not leaving when you are frightened and ask himn to, acting out of control (he said he could not believe what he did), never listens to what you say, thinks taking a 3 year old out to eat at 10 pm is an OK idea, wants to rug sweep with an apology, an ILY, and a meal.

Demonstrating love is shock at how horribly he treated you and his DD, and seeking out IC to learn to manage his emotions and communicate.

And none of this even touches on his being a WH.

ETA: this was not just random violence, him lashing out. The bookcase was thrown AT YOU. It was YOUR mirror broken, not the nearest thing at hand. This is violence that is escalating and directed towards you.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:17 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

ShiningAutumn8 posted 2/24/2014 11:31 AM

Everyone has already stated the obvious re: the violence. So I wont go into that other than to say if not for you, at least leave or get him out so your daughter isn't witnessing the violence and arguing.

I did however want to address this:

Was going to stay out a big late, but H had DD (which he never really does anymore) and stated I needed to be home by 10 so he could go get something to eat. I refused. For once I should be allowed to go out and not have a time limit on "Me" time. But then H started to get upset and said he was going to just head into town to grab a bite with a DD. She is 3. And it was also 10 oclock at night. Absolutely not. She has a bed time and I did not want him to drag her to town, knowing she was tired and had no nap that day. So I ended my night early. Home I went

I feel that when he said he was gonna take DD with him into town, your response should be: "ok"

Reason being, he did that to manipulate you, to make you come back, probably as a bluff. Personally, in that situation, I'd say fine, enjoy your time with her. Your DD would be fine. Yes its a little odd to take a child out at that hour, but its a no harm situation (assuming no alcohol involved). If she hasn't had a nap and is cranky, well then he can deal with it! Don't take his bluff in those situations.

LAFA posted 2/24/2014 11:34 AM

Yes, that line has been crossed, and can't be undone. If you rugsweep it, it will definitely happen again. You may not be so lucky to only have your side hurt, and maybe one of your kids accidentally gets in the path of his rage. It's time to abandon ship, get the kids safe, and the law on his ass. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

SpotlessMind posted 2/24/2014 11:48 AM

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have to agree with everyone else.

If the bookcase hitting you had been an accident, I feel like he would have stopped immediately when it did and made sure you were okay. Instead, he continued to rage and break things.

I have a husband who has trouble with anger management from time to time, so I can relate to that aspect. He's even broken things before. But in our entire 18 year history, he's never once come close to threatening or hurting me, nor do I ever feel any anxiety that he will. It's something he's working on, which is long overdue--but to me, there is a huge difference between hitting things and hitting you.

One is an anger management issue, the other is abuse. Neither is good but abuse is dangerous, and you need to protect yourself and your children.

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 11:50 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

GabyBaby posted 2/24/2014 12:00 PM

Please PLEASE file a police report.
Your WH has crossed a line and he likely will not cross back to the "safe" side.

By NOT reporting him, he's learned that he can continue (and escalate) this behavior to control you. File the report and ask for a restraining order. It'll get him out of the home.

At minimum, please file the report and YOU leave the home. Either way, you and DD are not safe.

musiclovingmom posted 2/24/2014 12:08 PM

My little sister had a bf who was sweet as pie. He never even raised his voice to her. They moved in together and life was good. Until one day it wasn't. He lost his temper. Threw things. Immediately after, he was distraught. He went out of his way to make it up to her. To tell her and show her how much he loved her. She stayed. He next time, he shoved her into a wall. Same story afterward - gifts, affection, attention, apologies. She stayed. Again and again. Then one day, he held a loaded gun to her head. She packed her things one day while he was working and drove 1500 miles away to shelter with me. He called every day crying, apologizing, begging, threatening suicide. She almost went back. More than once. Please, please don't think this will just go away. The manipulation of your free time, using your child to get his way, the rage, the over-apology. My heart breaks for you. Please take whatever steps you need to protect you and your daughter.

Stillstings posted 2/24/2014 12:09 PM

Violent men and women who cross the line feel they've already crossed the line and won't stop. It will happen again. Animals and children are often next.

Walk away. Before he can even be near his children he needs help.

Mom4ever posted 2/24/2014 12:39 PM

Please listen to what everyone is telling you. He has crossed the line from emotional abuse and verbal abuse, to physical abuse. It will only get worse. It's up to you to protect your daughter. If you have marks, make pictures. When the police made my husband leave, he was screaming for them to look at me cause I had no marks. Well, bruising takes a little time. Within two hours the bruises started showing. There was a lot by that evening. My ribs were so sore by that evening. My dear friend took me to the ER. I didn't have a clear enough head to realize I needed to go, this needed to be documented. She also made pictures of me.

I think you need a police report too. But if you won't do that, please go let someone make pictures and have it documented medically. You don't know what he is truly capable of. He's proven that much to you.

LostSamurai posted 2/24/2014 12:45 PM

Place a boundary. Ask him to leave and seek anger management and once he has completed it then he can return. He is unsafe and is lashing out in anger.

I have made threats when I found out my WW DDay. After that, I decided to go to anger management to better myself.

FaithnMe posted 2/24/2014 12:54 PM

Thank you for the support, advice, and comfort.

I made a call to one of my close friends. I am meeting her after work and she is going to help me with the next step.

Its hard to go through all that Im feeling and watch the one person youve loved the most become someone you hate. His life is changing drastically, and is failing cuz of his choices not mine, and I know that.. but I just felt like I could always help him... and that my constant love and support would be enough.
It always felt like it was up >> until 7 mnths ago.

I dont know this person who he has become.

soverybetrayed posted 2/24/2014 14:17 PM

Please take his violence as a indicator of future behavior. He went into a rage and you are now going to see them a lot more. You need to take pictures of the damage and of your side, call the cops and file a report then get a protective order. He has hurt you and he will do so again.

My ex started going into rages for minor things and at first I was stunned. I didn't do anything the first time as we were on vacation. The next one I blew off too, but the final one showed me he was serious about hitting me. I didn't call the cops but lived in fear for 5 days while I packed my stuff and moved. I knew the next rage would find me beaten or dead.

This is serious stuff and you must leave before he does this again. When these people are allowed to act out and have no consequences they won't stop. There is NEVER a good reason for violence against you spouse. Please stay safe and get away from him!

Mom4ever posted 2/24/2014 15:15 PM

Sending you strength. ((FaithnMe))

You mentioned he was in the gym everyday. My STBXH was also. I don't know if your is using steroids or not (either prescription or OTC or otherwise), but that can increase their rages beyond what they have control of. Please be safe.

FaithnMe posted 2/24/2014 15:28 PM

Mom4ever-- I thought this was the case in the beginning. But my H is very involved in Crossfit, which is a healthy way to be fit & "strong". Steroids wouldnt work with his diet and he has lost so much weight lately cuz of this new lifestyle he is living. He has become obsessed with it. I initally thought this was the problem due to him having done them before but after looking into it, its not.

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