It may seem hypocritical for a WS to preach faithfulness to a BS but after 6 years reading and posting here, I've seen mad hatter after mad hatter here on SI eventually confess to the realization that the RA did nothing for healing and in fact, just created more drama and more pain.
Aubrie - Look at it this way. We're in the garden and I chop your leg off with an ax. Do you think the best remedy to fix everything is for you to snip my arms off with the garden sheers?
From my own experience and suffering with guilt, shame and regret, I wouldn't wish WS status on anyone.
Eventually the desire to hurt her went away.
He claims feeling abandoned when he had the ONS. H was in Iraq 18 months. He's been an alcoholic for the past 8 years. I know what abandonment and loneliness are and never cheated. I'm not broken and I don't intend on making myself that way, not for him, not for anyone.
[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 1:38 PM, February 24th (Monday)]
Whenever the RA thing comes up, I literally cannot relate.
Loving him will make him feel more miserable that he did it then if you cheat. If you cheat then he wont regret his A. He'll justify by saying you werent a good woman anyway no matter all the good things you did!
REBREATHER.....i laughed about what you said "rub it all over my body"-exactly. Last thing i want to do is have sex with another man!! Im right there with you...ive NEVER even considered it!!
[This message edited by DTERMINED2SURVIV at 2:18 PM, February 24th (Monday)]
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
Nope never crossed my mind. The RA thing? Not my style. If I am going to screw someone, believe me it won't be that way.
There are some many ways a partner can 'screw' a partner.
I spent considerable effort thinking about punishing my W. I finally concluded there's no way to R and to hurt her without hurting myself.
Eventually the desire to hurt her went away.
That about sums it up. Thanks sisoon.
[This message edited by wert at 2:27 PM, February 24th (Monday)]
My version of wert's.
[This message edited by MailServer at 2:50 PM, February 24th (Monday)]
I would never act on those feelings and would NEVER pursue an extramarital relationship because I love my WH too much to risk our marriage and have to spend life without him.
I want to experience that moment when someone insists that you matter in their world and without me their life seems dull and colorless. That falling "in love" feeling - that excitement. I want to feel that again.
WH acts this way toward me now, but coming from him, in part it's different and less fulfilling. I appreciate that he's experienced life without me and doesn't want that as his permanent reality, but those "in love" feelings while fulfilling coming from him are somehow tainted by the fact that he felt that way with OW.
So I've not struggled with waiting to RA, but with wanting to feel special - have MY ego fed for a while - after the beating my self-esteem took.
I've had opportunities to cheat, sure. I've noticed more since d-day. WS knows I get lots of looks from men, he sees it. And he knows I could take someone up on a proposal of some kind at any time. He has had a worry that I might from time to time during the roller coaster ride after d-day. He prays I won't- not just for us, but for myself, because he knows that at that point I will have sunk so low in my thought processes that I have thrown myself away.
Here's the thing- nothing is ever going to make me feel one bit better about my H taking a new sexual partner, discarding me and our family, breaking his sacred vows to a God and me. Throwing more pain onto that and becoming less morally straight isn't going to help me.
I have never had feelings of wanting to get back at WH to hurt him, but I have had moments of feeling this strange sense of jealousy. This longing to feel once again that rush of infatuation when you meet someone new, and feel like you are falling in love all over again. That moment when the air seems fresher, flowers smell sweeter, you can't knock that ridiculous smile off your face.
This. I'd love to feel that and I am jealous every day that he was able to. It is just another one of those infidelity isn't fair things.
When I first found out I was so intent on trying to find a way to hurt him like he hurt me that I joined a dating site. No one but the usual scammers and sleezes replied so nothing really came from it but I dreamt and still dream about when we met and the raw, pure excitement of it all and how it was untainted. And it hurts even more when I realise ill never get that back
After talking about it in therapy what I really wanted was for my WW to understand/feel what I was feeling.
A revenge affair is a simplistic way of trying to connect with you WS. As much as we'd like to think that it would take them to same place we're in, it wouldn't.
Thoughts of revenge affairs are normal. They're a way to find a connection to the WS. The nice thing about posting here before actually going through with one is that others have tried and none found a connection or anything positive out of a revenge affair.
That's the hard thing about reconciliation. There are no shortcuts, although there are some pretty good tools, like the 180, to get us through it.