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Swandart posted 2/24/2014 12:02 PM

As I'm new to this I haven't read anything about whether you should contact the OW or not.

My husband sent her a text (the way they always communicated) the day after DDay to say something along the lines of . . Hi OW, my wife knows about us meeting up. We have talked and we are going to try and make things work so I think it's best we are not in contact anymore' I wish it had been a little more heartfelt but I accepted that.

She did not respond anything for 6 days and then just sent a text to say Happy birthday a***hole today. I actually quite liked that as it was a sign she was annoyed at him for ending things.

I then had an overwhelming urge to write to her so I sent her a message via social media (don't know her address and H deleted her number from phone). I sent this:

I have been trying to work out over this past week if I have wanted to confront you on what you and my husband have done.

I blame my husband wholeheartedly for what you have done as he was the married one and he is the one that made his choice. Yes our marriage had hit rock bottom, we both freely admit that but he could have just walked away as a choice. He choose to have an affair with you, making this a whole devastating, excruciating pain that I have never ever experienced before.

The thought that he could have such little regard for not only me but my 2 beautiful children is absolutely killing me inside. That he could put everything on the line for that.

He has told me everything. Where you met, when, what you did etc. You can not even begin to contemplate how soul destroying and difficult hearing those things is. But I needed to hear them so I know that there are now no secrets between us and nothing between you 2 that I don't know.

The thought of him kissing and touching another woman is the most painful thing ever because it is now in my thoughts 24/7.

I know WS doesn't have feelings for you and that makes it somewhat easier, if it can ever be easier. You just happened to be there to give him the things I wasn't giving him, someone to talk to and intimacy. For that part, really you could have been anyone. It wasn't because he fancied you or lusted after you, it was the fact you were there. I'm not going to go into detail about this as my aim here is not to put you down, just to try and make you understand the sheer volume of what this affair has done to me and my children.

I don't know if me and WS can make it, but what I do know is I will do anything is this world to protect my children and if this means to try and work through this pain, anger and hate then I will do it. We may separate, we may be able to get through this and stay together, who knows at this moment in time, no one can predict the future.

I just hope you realise that having an affair with a married man is never a good idea. You want a husband and a family because time is pushing on for you. A married man is never the answer. They already have their family. And even if they do leave their wife for you they will ALWAYS have that family.

Two lonely people found comfort in each other for a while. I just so wished you had found that with someone other than my husband

I tried to do a few underlying messages without telling the stupid B I wanted to rip her head off! When I sent it I felt ok, as soon as I had seen she had read it 20 minutes later I had a huge amount of relief wash over me that I got to tell her a little of how I was feeling and yes I did want to make her feel bad.

She did not respond . . . To me. She sent my WS a text saying 'please tell your wife I do not want an outpouring of emotion, I don't need this. She seems to be wrong in a few facts too but I won't go into that as I know she is upset right now. Oh and F*** you. She has now blocked me and WS on her social media account.

This really has come as a HUGE comfort to me at this stage. To know she is angry with my WS and makes the thought of her pursuing him to continue their meet ups (there were 4 over 2 months) that little easier to think that that is it.

I'm not concerned about what she said about me being wrong in the facts as I think that was her hurting as I included no facts in my message!! So there was nothing for me to be wrong about or my WS to be caught out not telling me the whole truth.

I'm sure some of you will say this is not the way to go, I'm not sure what the 'rules' are but a week into this, it is the first thing that has started to make me feel the tiniest bit better

jjsr posted 2/24/2014 12:06 PM

First off I want to say I am sorry you had to join a club none of us ever wanted to be apart of.
Second. You messaged her. If she rears her ugly head again, send a formal NC letter that your husband should write. Don't engage her anymore with messages.

DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 2/24/2014 12:08 PM

First of all what is up with the OW always using the word "asshole" "fag" or "loser"....
that annoys the hell out of me...!!!

I understand wanting to contact her, as I have done the same before. Question, did she know he had a wife?

Holly-Isis posted 2/24/2014 12:13 PM

I disagree with the usual advice on not contacting the OP. In a court of law, most victims get to read a Victim's Impact Statement. If the courts recognize the need for victims to be heard, why shouldn't we?

My caveat is that you need to be at a place where any response touches you minimally. Most OP, especially so soon after the A ends, are unremorseful.

So we should have our say, but understand that the response might cause further damage. That's what happened in my case. Thanks to MrH's sharing of my secrets, xOw2 knew exactly where my tender wounds were. And she used them.

Be brave when awaiting her response. Either be prepared to delete it unread or for more hurt to come your way. Because if she triggers, or is wallowing in anyway, she will likely contact again. Few women like to be shown they were just a hole.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 12:14 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

veronique12 posted 2/24/2014 12:16 PM

So sorry for your pain, Swandart.

I think your message was appropriate and very reserved. You can hold your head up high knowing that you didn't resort to name calling, as hard as that may have been for you. Good for you. I sent an email to the OW telling her what I felt after my D-Day 2 months ago and I am very grateful that I kept it together enough to not unleash a tirade of obscenities at her.

Keep your eyes open. Just bc she's angry doesn't necessarily mean she's going away.

And I would consider asking your H to write a very clear NC letter that is more direct than a text saying "so I think it's best we are not in contact..." She needs to hear that IT'S OVER message loud and clear. She should not be sending any sort of message to him at all and vice versa.

NikkiD posted 2/24/2014 12:22 PM

My caveat is that you need to be at a place where any response touches you minimally. Most OP, especially so soon after the A ends, are unremorseful.

I agree with this.. Although 10 mins after she called me stupid and said she didnt want my WS, she called back and changed her tune. Saying she wasnt that kind of person and wasnt trying to wreck what we had (she knew about me the entire time). BUT, she is still fycking him despite telling me he is a dog...

So be ready for her to come back like she "won" something in this. They tell themselves a butt load of lies to justify their part in this foolishness too.

[This message edited by NikkiD at 12:36 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

BPhoenix posted 2/24/2014 12:25 PM

These cheap bottom of the barrel woman dont care about the spouses or children. They dont care that theyre taking away from your family. Im sorry that youre hurting, but theyre cheap and dont deserve your attention

BrooklynLove posted 2/24/2014 12:27 PM

Good job at staying calm and you never want to let the OW know where you stand too early. I can never be calm and always end up cursing them out . It's best to not engage them and keep monitoring your WH without him knowing. Put a Keylogger on his computer, put an app on his phone to listen to his calls, put VAR's around the house and in his car. WS's lie and many affairs go underground after DDay. This OW is still fishing and that is why she is calling him an asshole on his Bday. What she is really saying is "Thanks for using, hurting and not caring about me but I still care for you". Maybe they had plans for his Bday and she is trying to reel him in with contacting him on his Bday . Her saying she doesn't want an outpouring of emotions is aka "your wife is a clingy nag", while I'm a strong and independent woman that has moved on . Keep an eye out because you can tell that she is hurt and she wanted to win him .

SisterMilkshake posted 2/24/2014 12:30 PM

It is too bad you didn't run the message by us first, Swandart.

You gave too much away of yourself to her. She doesn't give a damn about your pain. In fact, she may be gloating about it. Who knows if she is a sociopath.

I am all for contacting the OW and dumping all the disgust and contempt we have for them, but never, ever give away your feelings of pain and hurt. Those are weapons that can be used against you. And a major ego boost for OW.

You show your strength when messaging an AP. Never show weakness. OW has absolutely no respect for you to start with, don't prove the point to them by being weak and vulnerable. You can tell her contempt by the message she sent to your WH.

I would love to send the OW in our situation a letter dumping all my feelings of disgust and hatred that I have for it. However, OW is a junior Bunny Boiler, so I haven't been able to do that.

I am so sorry you are here and having to deal with this. ((((Swandart))))

lovehatelove posted 2/24/2014 12:35 PM

I wrote the OW a few days after I found out.. The letter was an outpouring of emotion... I was hoping she'd realize that she fucked up, on SOOOO many levels, when she decided to sleep with a married man.... I thought maybe she'd apologize... LMFAO!!! Riiiiiight...

I was so naive....

Swandart posted 2/24/2014 12:38 PM

Sorry all, I think you misunderstood why I sent this. I did it for ME. I did it as I saw this as a way of me healing. I didn't care if she responded to me, WS or anyone. I wanted to know that she had READ it. Knowing she at least had to be faced with what had been done made ME feel better. I don't care if she felt Indifferent, like she had to get him back or anything, it's that she read it.

She knew he was married and had children. They worked together for several years and then he left for another job. they only starting texting when my WS's job came unbearable and he could talk to her about it and then it developed when our marriage was at a standstill.

She is low because she is pushing on and not met a man and had a family, they took solace in each other.

I am we'll aware she may have the I can get him back anytime card to play but I am hoping my WS is now strong enough to say no and commited to making our M work

SisterMilkshake posted 2/24/2014 12:44 PM

I don't feel anyone misunderstood why you sent the message.

We all want to do it for ourselves (send a message). The thing is, OW may have read it, but it was meaningless to OW. Your pain is meaningless, but if you sharing your pain with an unremorseful OW makes you feel better, that is all that matters. I personally would never let OW see the vulnerable side of me.

DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 2/24/2014 12:53 PM

As I said ive done it before but the BEST when your WS shows her you guys are working on your R...

Im sure she WILL try again...You can almost BET that. The OW in my case almost every other day wrote some "i hate you" type message ....then would randomly try to be nice and "get him back" to Or she would write "i cant believe i was just your side chick" looking for some reassurance..She never got it

DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 2/24/2014 12:54 PM

after doing it a couple times before, this last time (ew) I completely agree with SISTERMILKSHAKE!! OW find joy that they hurt you because they are hurt he "left them"

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/24/2014 12:59 PM

I would never give the OW such intensely personal information about myself with regard to the 'devastating pain' I'm in. That's way too intimate to share with such a piece of trash. It's none of her business and if you're trying to appeal on a human level to someone who only has her OWN interests at heart, you'll lose every time. Your pain is irrelevant to her and she doesn't deserve to know about it, anyway.

Secondly, you actually DID give her something to claim that you're 'wrong' about. First, you have to bear in mind that the story your husband told you about the affair - and the actual TRUTH about the affair - are two different things. That's why she said that you had some facts wrong. You were telling the OW that your husband 'had no feelings for her at all - she could have been anyone,' but he was no doubt telling her during the affair how special she was and how much he loved her and how they were soulmates and all that crap.

I've often heard it told that men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears. That's the reason these guys will fill the ears of their OWs with proclamations of love, promise them a rosey future together, and say anything else they can dream up to keep her happy and waiting for them a little bit longer.

Your husband probably won't admit it, but the chances are extremely high that he was filling her ears with the same exact 'I love you - you're my soulmate!' garbage that most of these married men spew to their OWs in order to keep them happy. And let's face it, there are precious few OW out there who'd put the effort into a married guy if he was telling them, "Hey look - I'm only using you as a piece of ass and I'm actually hoping that things will eventually work out for me and my wife. But golly gosh, until that time comes along, would you continue being my plastic f*ck doll when it's convenient for me to get out of the house?"

So, there's little doubt he was filling her head with crap and that's what she was referring to when she said your facts were wrong.

Good luck to you in your struggle to get through this choas, Swandart.

Swandart posted 2/24/2014 13:04 PM

I know what you are all saying but it is a bit different in my case.

I didn't find out about the affair, my WS told me. They met on 4 occasions. There was no emotional attachment for him, obviously for the OW there was.

My husband has been friends with her for years and would often talk about her speed dating, or dating someone for a few months and how she was no head turner (I know what she looks like) so in a way this makes me feel better as he said all of these things before anything happened so I know when he says that she is down about being alone etc is true. I know this would actually make her feel some pain saying she was just there and it could have been anyone. But I am also 100% sure she will try and 'win' him back but I am now going to do everything I can to make sure WS only has one choice

Breezy150 posted 2/24/2014 13:08 PM

I think it is a very good message myself. You took the high road, and I am very impressed. I did the same thing, I just had to.

As Holly-Isis said when you are the victim of a crime you get to do a statement, and that is what this is. I don't care how she felt about my letter, I certainly was never looking for an apology, I never called her names. It was all about me and my healing nobody else. I needed to release that instead of going over what I would say to her all day and all night. I felt a great deal of comfort and release after I did it. I felt like I needed to do it to be able to concentrate on me and my R if that is the way it is going to go.

It may backfire on me, but if it does I can handle it because I feel stronger just for doing it.

On a side note my adult daughter found her on social media and really let her have it. She didn't tell me until after she had done it, but I just said do what you have to do before NC is sent because after that the NC stands for everybody. We got no response from either contact and now the NC has been sent certified and she signed for it.

Best of luck to you, I think everyone is different in their healing. Sorry you are going through any if this.

Swandart posted 2/24/2014 13:11 PM

I'm sorry you all feel I have done so wrong. But everything you are saying is not changing my mind, I feel this is what I needed.

I know you all find it very hard to trust your WS after betraying you and you all keep telling me the truth could still come out. But I know, in my heart of hearts WS has told me everything. He had nothing to lose as he thought the marriage would be over when I found out anyway.

It seems a funny thing to say I trust the truth WS is telling me after he has just betrayed me but its true.

He has been in a very dark place the past year, mainly because of me so I know exactly why he did this.

Swandart posted 2/24/2014 13:13 PM

Thank you Breezy, it's reassuring to know others do feel the same way as me about it

norabird posted 2/24/2014 13:50 PM


You did what you needed and wanted to do in sending the message to this woman. There is nothing to feel sorry about--so I'm glad you don't. I hope you can keep your head high and continue feeling more peaceful.

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