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Keep me strong - but how to know if they are finally remorseful?

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GotPlayed posted 2/24/2014 12:56 PM

So STBXWW posted publicly on FB yesterday:

"When you don't forgive, you don't change the past. You change the future".

Which is true as things go, but the question is,

If you're during D and NC, how do you know she's remorseful. Really remorseful?

Going to my L in a minute, but I wanted to ask this from the SI crowd. Could she be that she got kicked off the fence? Over text the other day she said "he's not in the picture anymore".

KatyaCA posted 2/24/2014 13:02 PM

That is not remorse. That is "please pack your bags I'm sending you on a guilt trip."

Forgiveness doesn't change the past either.

RealityStinks posted 2/24/2014 13:16 PM

"he's not in the picture anymore".

^^^Heard that on Super Bowl Sunday, got my hopes up because she said all the right things, and then I caught them together Monday. But that was "the first time they had been together in months". Please.

Unless she is kissing your feet, begging you not to D, and meeting ALL of the items on your list for R, keep that D train rolling down the tracks my friend.

Hang in there buddy.

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 1:17 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

peacelovetea posted 2/24/2014 13:23 PM

If you have to ask, its probably not remorse, or at least has not been remorse long enough to know its sustained enough to trust.

GabyBaby posted 2/24/2014 13:26 PM

A text that reads "He's not in the picture anymore" does NOT equate to her coming to you, face to face, with snot bubbles, begging forgiveness and showing you that she's willing to work her ass off to earn back your trust.
That text was nothing more than bait. Do NOT nibble on that line or she'll have you hooked again in no time.

norabird posted 2/24/2014 14:53 PM

I don't know how you can ever be sure without lots and lots of time....but do I know one facebook text and dangled text are not the signs!

GabyBaby posted 2/24/2014 14:56 PM

She's all talk and no action, GP.
Has she given you the passwords to all of her emails and various accounts?
Has she gone to any counseling sessions? And I don't mean the same old tired line PROMISING to go...has she actually GONE?

Better yet, has she even come to you and said, "I fucked up. I own that. What are your requirements from me to reconcile?"

Nope. Therefore there IS no remorse.
She may be regretting her actions, but it is still all about HER and you are a soft spot to land.

IrishLass518 posted 2/24/2014 14:56 PM

Again, that is not remorse, it is bait to keep you on the hook. Remorse is accepting that she needs to do the work for HER and when/if she's "gotten it", she will be better for you. You have to take care of yourself until you see the truth in her actions.

solus sto posted 2/24/2014 15:41 PM

How can snark about your failure to forgive possibly be interpreted as remorse?

Freeme posted 2/24/2014 15:56 PM

not remorse - Sounds more like someone that wants to keep her Plan B on the hook paying her bills for as long as possible.

She is probably just starting to get the feeling that you are serious, her lawyer might have told her that she isn't going to be getting that much Child support...

You can find someone that loves you for you. She sounds truly horrible please don't take these little scraps as true remorse.

GotPlayed posted 2/24/2014 16:05 PM

How can I help her understand what true repentance looks like? I am at work, but I fished these two articles

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2012/04/four-approaches-forgiveness-ranging-from-cheap-to-genuine/

And for me,
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2012/04/the-ten-steps-of-acceptance-healing-yourself-when-forgiveness-of-the-other-is-not-the-best-option/

Don't want to send them to her and break NC, but she probably needs to read these. She has "After the Affair" but I don't think she's read it.

And yes, it feels like I'm plan B. I just filed the response at the L.

I hope she doesn't ratchet things up now that she'll be "lonely" without OM. Crap. And on the week that I'm going to be busier than heck and hence low on emotional defenses..

Thank you everyone!

GabyBaby posted 2/24/2014 16:09 PM

How can I help her understand what true repentance looks like?

You can't and honestly it isn't your job to shepherd her healing.
You've filed for D. Maintain NC and let her feel the consequences of her actions.

If at some point WAAAAAYYY down the road she's done the work and comes to you a truly changed woman, then you can consider R.
At this point, she hasn't even asked.

Don't let her get you all twisted up with this new game. You'll just be providing ego kibbles and a convenient diversion until the next "sucker" has been nailed down.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:11 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 2/24/2014 16:16 PM

You are not her conscience. You are not her inner voice. You are not her holy spirit. You are not responsible for what she thinks or feels.

She is a grown-ass adult woman. If she truly gave a shit, she would figure this stuff out on her own. This kind of information is out there on the internet and on bookshelves in spades. She would not need anyone to open her eyes and help her see. She would do this for her self. She would be self motivated.

She doesn't even care enough about her self to do the work. You think she cares about you?

GotPlayed posted 2/24/2014 16:27 PM

@GabyBaby - she has said "I fucked up. I own that".

She hasn't asked the requirements for me to reconcile. Although I have told her repeatedly, and my last letter to her had that list. At the time she complained that it wasn't "romantic".

bent44 posted 2/24/2014 16:38 PM

A text that reads "He's not in the picture anymore" does NOT equate to her coming to you, face to face, with snot bubbles, begging forgiveness and showing you that she's willing to work her ass off to earn back your trust.
That text was nothing more than bait. Do NOT nibble on that line or she'll have you hooked again in no time.

This exactly!

Kajem posted 2/24/2014 16:44 PM

She's dangling the carrot to get you to do the work. It's her work to do. IF SHE REALLY WANTS TO KNOW - she can ask you! Bb

bent44 posted 2/24/2014 16:45 PM

Sorry to be snarky, but if she can figure out how to have an affair, she can figure out how to be remorseful. You could not control her actions then, and you can't control her actions now.

Please do not do her work for her...it may be tempting because you think it will move you forward, but unless she finds her way on her own, she will remain lost.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh. It is just my opinion. And I am going through a bit if a bitch boot stage.

Please take care of yourself, trust that she is broken. You may be broken hearted, but that can be fixed. Whether or not she can is yet to be seen.

IrishLass518 posted 2/24/2014 17:09 PM

You will know remorse when you see, hear and feel that she is putting YOU first and not herself first. When what she wants means nothing next to your needs. When making it right to you and for you is more important than "rugsweeping" or how uncomfortable it makes her. When you see her humbled by the consequences of her own choices and accepting that remorse and reconciliation on YOUR terms are the only path to redemption from you.
That is what you are looking for

GabyBaby posted 2/24/2014 17:20 PM

@GabyBaby - she has said "I fucked up. I own that".

Gently, just because she says something, that doesn't make it true.

I can say that I'm a 5ft 11, 110lbs, swimsuit model. Does that make it truth?
In fact, I'm a 5ft, 5in, <insert weight here>, accountant.

She's offering words without action.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:26 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

gypsybird87 posted 2/24/2014 17:28 PM

She hasn't asked the requirements for me to reconcile. Although I have told her repeatedly, and my last letter to her had that list. At the time she complained that it wasn't "romantic".

She seems to be under the impression that forgiveness by you is the only thing necessary to "change the future" between you. And per the above quote, no effort is required by her.

Wow... she is either really lazy, really in denial, or just doesn't care at all. I agree with the other posters. This is bait, and not even tasty, tempting bait. It's bullshit on a stale cracker. Don't bite.

((gotplayed))
You are strong.

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