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User Topic: Keep me strong - but how to know if they are finally remorseful?
GotPlayed
♂ 41294
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So STBXWW posted publicly on FB yesterday:

"When you don't forgive, you don't change the past. You change the future".

Which is true as things go, but the question is,

If you're during D and NC, how do you know she's remorseful. Really remorseful?

Going to my L in a minute, but I wanted to ask this from the SI crowd. Could she be that she got kicked off the fence? Over text the other day she said "he's not in the picture anymore".


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 761 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
KatyaCA
♀ 41528
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is not remorse. That is "please pack your bags I'm sending you on a guilt trip."

Forgiveness doesn't change the past either.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
RealityStinks
♂ 41457
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"he's not in the picture anymore".

^^^Heard that on Super Bowl Sunday, got my hopes up because she said all the right things, and then I caught them together Monday. But that was "the first time they had been together in months". Please.

Unless she is kissing your feet, begging you not to D, and meeting ALL of the items on your list for R, keep that D train rolling down the tracks my friend.

Hang in there buddy.

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 1:17 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
peacelovetea
♀ 26071
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have to ask, its probably not remorse, or at least has not been remorse long enough to know its sustained enough to trust.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A text that reads "He's not in the picture anymore" does NOT equate to her coming to you, face to face, with snot bubbles, begging forgiveness and showing you that she's willing to work her ass off to earn back your trust.
That text was nothing more than bait. Do NOT nibble on that line or she'll have you hooked again in no time.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for cl


Posts: 6680 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how you can ever be sure without lots and lots of time....but do I know one facebook text and dangled text are not the signs!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's all talk and no action, GP.
Has she given you the passwords to all of her emails and various accounts?
Has she gone to any counseling sessions? And I don't mean the same old tired line PROMISING to go...has she actually GONE?

Better yet, has she even come to you and said, "I fucked up. I own that. What are your requirements from me to reconcile?"

Nope. Therefore there IS no remorse.
She may be regretting her actions, but it is still all about HER and you are a soft spot to land.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for cl


Posts: 6680 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
IrishLass518
♀ 34373
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, that is not remorse, it is bait to keep you on the hook. Remorse is accepting that she needs to do the work for HER and when/if she's "gotten it", she will be better for you. You have to take care of yourself until you see the truth in her actions.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1800 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can snark about your failure to forgive possibly be interpreted as remorse?


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9009 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Freeme
♀ 31946
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not remorse - Sounds more like someone that wants to keep her Plan B on the hook paying her bills for as long as possible.

She is probably just starting to get the feeling that you are serious, her lawyer might have told her that she isn't going to be getting that much Child support...

You can find someone that loves you for you. She sounds truly horrible please don't take these little scraps as true remorse.


Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
GotPlayed
♂ 41294
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I help her understand what true repentance looks like? I am at work, but I fished these two articles

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2012/04/four-approaches-forgiveness-ranging-from-cheap-to-genuine/

And for me,
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2012/04/the-ten-steps-of-acceptance-healing-yourself-when-forgiveness-of-the-other-is-not-the-best-option/

Don't want to send them to her and break NC, but she probably needs to read these. She has "After the Affair" but I don't think she's read it.

And yes, it feels like I'm plan B. I just filed the response at the L.

I hope she doesn't ratchet things up now that she'll be "lonely" without OM. Crap. And on the week that I'm going to be busier than heck and hence low on emotional defenses..

Thank you everyone!


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 761 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I help her understand what true repentance looks like?

You can't and honestly it isn't your job to shepherd her healing.
You've filed for D. Maintain NC and let her feel the consequences of her actions.

If at some point WAAAAAYYY down the road she's done the work and comes to you a truly changed woman, then you can consider R.
At this point, she hasn't even asked.

Don't let her get you all twisted up with this new game. You'll just be providing ego kibbles and a convenient diversion until the next "sucker" has been nailed down.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:11 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for cl


Posts: 6680 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not her conscience. You are not her inner voice. You are not her holy spirit. You are not responsible for what she thinks or feels.

She is a grown-ass adult woman. If she truly gave a shit, she would figure this stuff out on her own. This kind of information is out there on the internet and on bookshelves in spades. She would not need anyone to open her eyes and help her see. She would do this for her self. She would be self motivated.

She doesn't even care enough about her self to do the work. You think she cares about you?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
GotPlayed
♂ 41294
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@GabyBaby - she has said "I fucked up. I own that".

She hasn't asked the requirements for me to reconcile. Although I have told her repeatedly, and my last letter to her had that list. At the time she complained that it wasn't "romantic".


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 761 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
bent44
♀ 31386
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A text that reads "He's not in the picture anymore" does NOT equate to her coming to you, face to face, with snot bubbles, begging forgiveness and showing you that she's willing to work her ass off to earn back your trust.
That text was nothing more than bait. Do NOT nibble on that line or she'll have you hooked again in no time.

This exactly!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's dangling the carrot to get you to do the work. It's her work to do. IF SHE REALLY WANTS TO KNOW - she can ask you! Bb


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
bent44
♀ 31386
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to be snarky, but if she can figure out how to have an affair, she can figure out how to be remorseful. You could not control her actions then, and you can't control her actions now.

Please do not do her work for her...it may be tempting because you think it will move you forward, but unless she finds her way on her own, she will remain lost.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh. It is just my opinion. And I am going through a bit if a bitch boot stage.

Please take care of yourself, trust that she is broken. You may be broken hearted, but that can be fixed. Whether or not she can is yet to be seen.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
IrishLass518
♀ 34373
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will know remorse when you see, hear and feel that she is putting YOU first and not herself first. When what she wants means nothing next to your needs. When making it right to you and for you is more important than "rugsweeping" or how uncomfortable it makes her. When you see her humbled by the consequences of her own choices and accepting that remorse and reconciliation on YOUR terms are the only path to redemption from you.
That is what you are looking for


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1800 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@GabyBaby - she has said "I fucked up. I own that".

Gently, just because she says something, that doesn't make it true.

I can say that I'm a 5ft 11, 110lbs, swimsuit model. Does that make it truth?
In fact, I'm a 5ft, 5in, <insert weight here>, accountant.

She's offering words without action.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:26 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for cl


Posts: 6680 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
gypsybird87
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She hasn't asked the requirements for me to reconcile. Although I have told her repeatedly, and my last letter to her had that list. At the time she complained that it wasn't "romantic".

She seems to be under the impression that forgiveness by you is the only thing necessary to "change the future" between you. And per the above quote, no effort is required by her.

Wow... she is either really lazy, really in denial, or just doesn't care at all. I agree with the other posters. This is bait, and not even tasty, tempting bait. It's bullshit on a stale cracker. Don't bite.

((gotplayed))
You are strong.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 1003 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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