Do not text him, email him, call him, drive by, nothing. I had to force myself not to, and I constantly had to rely on friends to talk me out of it.
Write it on SI instead if you have to, but do not contact him and get sucked into his disgusting swampland of lies and gaslighting.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
My point: I was doing better until I spoke with her and was sucked back in. If you know that you don't want to be with your WH, then the absolute best thing for you to do is NC. It is extremely hard because you miss your friend. I understand, but you're going to have to make new ones. I personally would rather be alone than to be with a woman that treated me like my WW did for the past year.
One thing I remind myself of that helps when I want to call her is this: "RealtyStinks, she would call you if she wanted to." It's a two way street.
Hang in there. It does get better, and contact with him will only set you back.
It's fucking nuts to miss them but it doesn't mean you are fucking nuts, or wrong, or bad, or anything like that. Only that you are human and love someone. But you know he is bad for you, and that's why you resist texting.
And happiness will come. I promise. In little snatches, sooner than you think. You want to barf at your friends cheering you up but I want to second them! You do deserve better and will ge it. It doesn't mean right now is the time when you'll feel that, though--now you're mourning, grieving, and that is a necessary process that will take time and is so natural.
One day at a time. One step after another. You can do this. RealityStinks is really right about contact not helping though we can crave it.
As for FAR down the line - I was with XWH for 26 years, from the time I was 20 years old. I couldn't imagine life without him. But now 9 years later I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who is head and shoulders above XWH.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you can do this. Sending strength and peace.
Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller
When STBXH first left, it was literally one day at a time. Almost hour by hour. It helped when I identified what times of day were most difficult. For me it was evenings after the kids went to bed. So I made sure to have a 'game plan' for my evenings. I made sure to have a special show to watch, chores to do, friends to call, anything to keep me from thinking too much about STBXH. This is the time to lean on friends and family. Use them to keep yourself busy and distracted.
Good luck. We're all routing for you.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
And then they say "I know you can't even think of this - but someday you'll find someone who will be so good to you, you will see this as a blessing."
As hard as it is to wrap your brain around this right now, it is true. Your future is going to be so much more peaceful. The douche bag you are dealing with now is not the same man you married....remember that. Day 3...you are doing pretty damn good. One day at a time with one foot in front of the other. It is a journey and a hard one, but you will find peace. HUGS!!!!!
Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
I reminded myself of how much he lied to my face. Of how much he disrespected me. Of the disgusting things he said to me after I found out our R was false. Of how much he hurt our friends and family. Of how much I was losing because of his shit decisions. Of how much he risked my health. Of how he took me for granted.
If that wasn't enough to get me mad and to forget breaking NC, I did this:
I reflected on all of the pain he was putting me through and thought to myself: what can I do to make him feel just a little bit of this pain?
The answer was always the same: take myself out of his life. He will never get to talk to "me" again-- the "me" who loved him unconditionally, who took care of him, who would have done anything for him, who admired him and looked up to him, who thought he could do no wrong. She's just as dead to him as the guy I thought I married is to me. Because he doesn't deserve getting to talk to that girl ever again. And I don't know how long it will take, or if it will ever happen, but he's going to miss her someday and maybe then he'll have to deal with at least some percentage of what has been killing me since DDay.
And the only revenge is a life well lived. That means getting to a place where they don't matter anymore and you are fine. These Waywards can't escape themselves and they make terrible choices that eventually catch up to them somehow. Just focus on you and making yourself happy and whole and time will take care of the rest.