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Klove posted 2/24/2014 12:56 PM

I know, I know- I'm on day 3 of physical separation. I had such a good day 1. Strong. Ran- signed up for a race in the spring. Did what I WANTED TO DO for a whole day minus the stress of wondering who he was talking to on his fucking phone.
Day 2 and 3. Miserable.
I know - there are ups and downs. I made a counselling appt today. But it's taking everything in my not to text him and say "I miss you..."
I do miss him. It's fucking nuts. But I miss the friendship things we used to do.
I have started to tell people we split and why. They are shocked and appalled that I have been going through this for A YEAR AND A HALF. They say I have seemed so together.
And everyone says the same thing. You're beautiful and smart and nice and funny and like to do things...what the HELL is he thinking?
And then they say "I know you can't even think of this - but someday you'll find someone who will be so good to you, you will see this as a blessing."
This makes me want to barf because I can't imagine it! I have been with WH since 1999. He has mistreated me since then - but I can't imagine another man but him.
I can imagine being more relaxed and less stressed, but I guess I can't grasp being happy.
And that makes me sad.
Ugh- I just feel awful today.
Help me. Pep talk me....

sparkysable posted 2/24/2014 13:32 PM

You are only at day 3. I was a flaming mess for a straight year. I barely made it through each minute of each day. It's so hard. It's like you are going through withdrawal. Keeping posting here, we get it. The outside world doesn't get it, and soon grows tired of your pain.

Do not text him, email him, call him, drive by, nothing. I had to force myself not to, and I constantly had to rely on friends to talk me out of it.

Write it on SI instead if you have to, but do not contact him and get sucked into his disgusting swampland of lies and gaslighting.

RealityStinks posted 2/24/2014 13:56 PM

Klove -
I can promise you that it gets easier. I told my WW to leave the weekend before Thanksgiving, and the next few days were absolute hell. But, I made myself put one foot in front of the other. Also, I made her initiate any contact. We met a few times, and I maintained the line that I drew in the sand. I went for over a month without communicating with her, and in that month I was doing better. So much so, that I decided to call her and set up a meeting to say "this is it, you either repent or I'm going to start the D process". I left that meeting feeling hopeful, and then I caught them together the next day. The next two weeks are a blur. But, I'm starting to get back to normal because it's been two weeks since I talked to her.

My point: I was doing better until I spoke with her and was sucked back in. If you know that you don't want to be with your WH, then the absolute best thing for you to do is NC. It is extremely hard because you miss your friend. I understand, but you're going to have to make new ones. I personally would rather be alone than to be with a woman that treated me like my WW did for the past year.

One thing I remind myself of that helps when I want to call her is this: "RealtyStinks, she would call you if she wanted to." It's a two way street.

Hang in there. It does get better, and contact with him will only set you back.

norabird posted 2/24/2014 14:26 PM


It's fucking nuts to miss them but it doesn't mean you are fucking nuts, or wrong, or bad, or anything like that. Only that you are human and love someone. But you know he is bad for you, and that's why you resist texting.

And happiness will come. I promise. In little snatches, sooner than you think. You want to barf at your friends cheering you up but I want to second them! You do deserve better and will ge it. It doesn't mean right now is the time when you'll feel that, though--now you're mourning, grieving, and that is a necessary process that will take time and is so natural.

One day at a time. One step after another. You can do this. RealityStinks is really right about contact not helping though we can crave it.

hangingonin posted 2/24/2014 14:33 PM

It is hard, I could only do 3 days & then texted him & the hoovering started. I have made a clean break now. It's day 1 for me & I'm OK. I know the next few will be tough, but we can do it.
I'm rooting for you


Newlease posted 2/24/2014 16:56 PM

One day at a time, sometimes, one hour at a time. Every time you want to contact him, just think of all the pain he has put you through.

As for FAR down the line - I was with XWH for 26 years, from the time I was 20 years old. I couldn't imagine life without him. But now 9 years later I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who is head and shoulders above XWH.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you can do this. Sending strength and peace.


Tripletrouble posted 2/24/2014 18:38 PM

If you haven't already, write yourself a "dear me" letter that outlines all the reasons you are awesome and all the reasons you have made the decision that you have - all the hurt he caused, all the ways he wasn't good to you. When you are tempted, pull that sucker out and reread it. Over and over. Be strong, we're here for you!

Gemini71 posted 2/25/2014 00:12 AM

I understand not wanting to think about future relationships. I sure as hell am not ready to even think about dating. That's far down the road from where I am. And when we get to that place, there is no law saying we ever have to marry again.

When STBXH first left, it was literally one day at a time. Almost hour by hour. It helped when I identified what times of day were most difficult. For me it was evenings after the kids went to bed. So I made sure to have a 'game plan' for my evenings. I made sure to have a special show to watch, chores to do, friends to call, anything to keep me from thinking too much about STBXH. This is the time to lean on friends and family. Use them to keep yourself busy and distracted.

Good luck. We're all routing for you.

Harriet posted 2/25/2014 09:52 AM

What Reality said...I remind myself that he knows where I am. If he wanted to reach out to me, he could. He's just not that into me. It's gotten me though a few hard moments of really missing him and kept the NC intact.

mof2 posted 2/25/2014 10:40 AM

And then they say "I know you can't even think of this - but someday you'll find someone who will be so good to you, you will see this as a blessing."

As hard as it is to wrap your brain around this right now, it is true. Your future is going to be so much more peaceful. The douche bag you are dealing with now is not the same man you married....remember that. Day are doing pretty damn good. One day at a time with one foot in front of the other. It is a journey and a hard one, but you will find peace. HUGS!!!!!

roarlouder posted 2/25/2014 15:33 PM

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's hard, but it gets easier. I am almost 5 weeks out from leaving...the pain has changed, and I am sure it will continue to. Happy, sad, angry, missing them moments are all normal.... Sometimes all those feelings at once!

msk99 posted 2/25/2014 15:55 PM


PhantomLimb posted 2/25/2014 18:09 PM

I'm not saying this is good advice, but I'll tell you what I did. (And I'm something like 10 months into complete NC).

I reminded myself of how much he lied to my face. Of how much he disrespected me. Of the disgusting things he said to me after I found out our R was false. Of how much he hurt our friends and family. Of how much I was losing because of his shit decisions. Of how much he risked my health. Of how he took me for granted.

If that wasn't enough to get me mad and to forget breaking NC, I did this:

I reflected on all of the pain he was putting me through and thought to myself: what can I do to make him feel just a little bit of this pain?

The answer was always the same: take myself out of his life. He will never get to talk to "me" again-- the "me" who loved him unconditionally, who took care of him, who would have done anything for him, who admired him and looked up to him, who thought he could do no wrong. She's just as dead to him as the guy I thought I married is to me. Because he doesn't deserve getting to talk to that girl ever again. And I don't know how long it will take, or if it will ever happen, but he's going to miss her someday and maybe then he'll have to deal with at least some percentage of what has been killing me since DDay.

And the only revenge is a life well lived. That means getting to a place where they don't matter anymore and you are fine. These Waywards can't escape themselves and they make terrible choices that eventually catch up to them somehow. Just focus on you and making yourself happy and whole and time will take care of the rest.

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