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LostSamurai posted 2/24/2014 13:05 PM

My WS and I will spend some time together watching tv. Out of the blue, she asked me a question.

"Why will you tell me off but not your parents based on the way they treat you?"

What shocks me is for the last 2 years she hasn't treated me worst than anything by having affairs...

I don't get why she keeps bringing up things in our marriage that bothered her but hasn't made up her mind to commit to the relationship.

Do all WS bring up issues without making a decision? Why should we even bother talking about this when you are not even committed to the relationship.

I did answer it. I said "I argued with you about things because I loved you and valued your opinion and cared about the things and wanted us to work together and I wanted to be heard."

LostSamurai posted 2/24/2014 13:16 PM

Now she seems disappointed that I didn't text her when she has been laying down most of the day from being sick...

What am I doing wrong here?

64fleet posted 2/24/2014 15:29 PM

DETACH, ls, DETACH-it was the only thing that saved what sanity I have left. Kids/finances only, fuck a bunch of feelings, IMO. You don't owe her shit until she decides.

rekindle posted 2/24/2014 17:44 PM

Wait, she's the wayward and SHE hasn't made a decision to commit? I'm a wayward and my decision to commit took place the second I saw firsthand the hurt I caused my BH. There was no need to think about it, no need to make a decision because it was instantaneous. I knew immediately I wanted to save our relationship (although, full disclosure, that entailed lying about what I did, but I did go NC with OM and stopped cheating behaviors). Your WS' question comes from a place of selfishness, which all waywards struggle with, but coupled with the fact that she can't decide to commit shows that she is still in a very very selfish place. If putting you first is such a difficult decision for her, then she clearly isn't serious about saving the relationship. Sadly, I agree with 64F about detaching.

Aubrie posted 2/24/2014 17:55 PM

What am I doing wrong here?
Engaging.

Detach man. Seriously. Figure out you and what you want and act upon it. That's the best thing you can do at this point.

HotMessInTX posted 2/24/2014 18:07 PM

I agree with kindle on this one; seeing the intense pain and the full realization of the disgusting mess I created was a big dose of reality. I 100% turned every ounce of me into committing to this marriage and the R process.

mrs7 posted 2/24/2014 22:40 PM

Totally agree with the other responders. I'm a WW and it was an easy decision for me to commit to my spouse and marriage right off; I realize not everyone is at a place to do that immediately. However, if your wife still is riding the fence, she is still calling the shots. Not fair to you at all. She's the one that screwed up - is she repentant, regretful, remorseful? If not she's got some major work to do. This sounds a bit harsh but her needs need to start coming AFTER yours now. She chose to have an A. Time for her to start suffering through some of the consequences.

Ostrich80 posted 2/25/2014 01:33 AM

She's just digging crap up. Ignoring what needs to be said and babbling bullshit to divert the focus. Pathetic..
I'm with the others detach, you owe her nothing at this point.

justjim posted 2/25/2014 04:19 AM

What am I doing wrong here?

Engaging.

Detach man. Seriously. Figure out you and what you want and act upon it. That's the best thing you can do at this point.

This.

SlowUptake posted 2/25/2014 04:37 AM

You're trying to deal with an unremorseful wayward. Stop it.
There is no dealing. There is detaching or allowing continued disrespect.
Walk away or settle for the crumbs, your choice.

LostSamurai posted 2/25/2014 09:37 AM

Do you think she is not remorseful because of the way I exploded on Dday? The fact I made some statements about killing the OM and her?

I apologized and I am in anger management.

sisoon posted 2/25/2014 09:43 AM

Do you think she is not remorseful because of the way I exploded on Dday?

NoNoNoNoNo!

Remorse comes from within. She violated her vows and commitments to you. Remorse has to do with correcting the faults within her, and not one whit with how you responded.

Your response may influence her view of R's desirability and probability, but that's way different from whether or not she's remorseful.

She's not remorseful. Which brings me to say: reread and accept what Aubrie, Justjim, and SlowUptake say.

Darkness Falls posted 2/25/2014 09:44 AM

I don't think anything you've said or not said has anything to do with her lack of remorse.

ETA:

Your response may influence her view of R's desirability and probability, but that's way different from whether or not she's remorseful.

This.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 9:45 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

7yrsflushed posted 2/25/2014 09:46 AM

Do you think she is not remorseful because of the way I exploded on Dday? The fact I made some statements about killing the OM and her?
Nope, she's not remorseful because she's a selfish person that only cares about herself. Your comments weren't great but believe me they had nothing to do with her not being remorseful.

Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Her

Detach LostSamurai. This is a no win situation for you. Engaging with an unremorseful WS only fucks YOU up more. They either are remorseful or they aren't. Many of us myself included end up with the unremorseful WS's. The only thing you can do is protect yourself from further abuse and destruction by 180ing, going NC, and detaching. Will they ever get their shit together, who knows, but when they are unremorseful it's better for the BS if they start to move forward. Stop trying to figure her out. The following saying applies to unremoresful WS's as well. Arguing with an idiot is a no win situation, they bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Just replace idiot with unremorseful WS. She can't even figure herself out. Trying to figure her out will drive you crazy. Figure yourself out. Speaking from experience, that's a plan that actually works.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:51 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Razor posted 2/25/2014 09:52 AM

I don't get why she keeps bringing up things in our marriage that bothered her but hasn't made up her mind to commit to the relationship.

I see this as bargaining.

She wants to justify what she did by saying *M problems* made her do it. And of course the subtext of this is that you were the bad person in the M and so you made her have her affair.

If this is true. Then it could be that she feels you should be the one trying to win her back.

tushnurse posted 2/25/2014 09:54 AM

You're trying to deal with an unremorseful wayward. Stop it.
There is no dealing. There is detaching or allowing continued disrespect.
Walk away or settle for the crumbs, your choice.

And This


What am I doing wrong here?

You continue to engage in her madness and have not made her have any consequence of her actions. SHE could give a shit how YOU feel. She is waiting for your ego kibbles, and gobbling them up, while she continues to whatever she wants.

Do you think she is not remorseful because of the way I exploded on Dday? The fact I made some statements about killing the OM and her?

NOT AT ALL.... She is not remorseful because she is a sad broken woman who is not being made to face the consequences of her actions.

When you make her face those consequences one of two things are going to happen, she will remove her head from her arse, and start on the hard work of R, which would be great.

Or she will decide she doesn't want to do the work, and wants to continue to live in fantasy land, and she won't be doing it with you.

So either outcome stops the madness, and constant worry on your part. If you continue to engage, you are abusing yourself, and stuck in this land of limbo. If you force it, then you will get the answer, and be able to start healing yourself.

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