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BPhoenix posted 2/24/2014 13:11 PM

Its been almost 3 weeks since I found out who my husband truly is, and Im still unsure if Im in shock or understand why Im able to be this calm.

It started out with when I picked up his spare tablet to play some app game, and when I unlocked it the camera app was still up with a small thumbnail picture of his semen on some table. I knew that the table didnt match any of our furniture so I texted him at work and asked him about that. He tried saying at first it was in his office but then said it was actually taken in our local laundry room. I was disgusted at that point that he would do that and take a photo but kept digging. I pulled up his history on the tab and found some website called Thankfully (or not thankfully)he was still logged in and under his profile pictures he had posted photos of him having "kinky" sex with another woman.

I flipped and called him, confronting him with the knowledge that I had his fetlife account up, he admitted to cheating on me with one woman who is almost 20 yrs older then us, hen it because two woman, one at our last home that we just moved from and one here in our new state.

Ever see those shows where a tree is trying to stand up to an avalanche? yeah, thats me. I felt so bent and broken. Over the course of 2 weeks, I found out that he had slept with over 18 people unprotected in the past two years. Hes in the military and when he was supposed to be away for training, he would take his "girlfriend" out for group sex. When we moved to our new duty station, he had one girlfriend on the side and the two of them would have group sex with multiple people before he would go in for formation, then again after formation, he would go over then on his lunch breaks, and even claimed that he had 12 hr duty at work once or twice and would hole up in a hotel with these men and woman.

I dont know what hurts me the most, the cheating or the amount of men and women hes slept with. He cant even remember everyone, or everything hes done. I found emails where he would email someone off craigslist, met up, have sex in my van, then never contact each other again. Everything hes done goes way beyond typical cheating I feel.

Im hurt, embarrassed, and so so angry. I knew he was being distant, he was never really a family man or a decent husband, he would just bury himself in his video games and childish hobbies, and I stuck around because he genuinely seemed to want to improve and stay with his wife and son. But how can someone go from trying to be a father figure and loving husband to begging guys to let him give them bjs, then back to being a part of the family? I dont understand.

Most of this feels like rambling or some sick made up story. Our counselor said that if I want to work on things with him and help get through this addiction, I should delete his profiles on fetlife and deactivate his email account with all the proof. Is that truly the right step? Should I keep back up copies somewhere in case I need them in the future?

Breezy150 posted 2/24/2014 13:18 PM

I am new here but I keep seeing over and over, keep copies of your evidence. You never know what the future holds. So sorry you are having to go through any of this.

BPhoenix posted 2/24/2014 13:36 PM

What do all the (bs/op/dday) words mean? Is there something posted explaining the abbreviations?

Tred posted 2/24/2014 13:42 PM

BPhoenix -

There is a list of most of the abbreviations in the Healing Library - the link to it is

NikkiD posted 2/24/2014 13:42 PM

Sorry you find yourself here. There are many folks that can help you navigate through this mess. In the mean time, I copied and pasted the abbreviations from the healing library for you:

AP-affair partner
BS-betrayed spouse
B.O.B.-battery operated boyfriend
BIL-brother in law
BTW-by the way
D-divorce or daughter
DD-darling daughter
DIL-daughter in law
D-day-discovery day
DS-darling son
ETA-edit to add
EA-emotional affair
EMA-extrmarital affair
FAQ-frequently answered questions
FIL-father in law
FOO-family of origin
FWIW-for what its worth
FYI-for your information
FWB-friend with benefits
FWIW-For what it's worth
FWW/FWH-former wayward wife/husband
HW-home wrecker
HB-hysterical bonding
IC-individual counseling
IDK-I don't know
ILYBINILWY-I love you but I'm not in love with you
IAE-in any event
IM-instant message
IMHO-in my humble opinion
IOW-in other words
IRL-in real life
JK-just kidding
JMO-just my opinion
KISA-knight in shinging armor
LOL-laughing out loud
LTA-long term affair
MIL-mother in law
MLC-midlife crisis
MM-married man
MOm-maybe other man
MOP-maybe other person
MOw-maybe other woman
MW-married woman
NC-no contact
NPD-narcissistic personality disorder
OC-other child
OEA-online emotional affair
OG-other guy
Om-other man
ONS-one night stand
Op-other person
Ow-other woman
PA-physical affair
PITA-pain in the ass
PM-private message
PMA-positive mental attitude
POS-piece of sh!t
POV-point of view
R-day-reclaim day(the of couple's reclaiming their relationship and rebuilding)
RA-revenge affair
ROFLMAO-rolling on the floor laughing my a$$ off
SA-sex addict
SAHM-stay at home mom(thanks DS)
SEa-suspected emotional affair
SIL-sister in law
SITD-Still in the dark
SO-significant other
SOm-suspected other man
SOw-suspected other woman(I liked this one!)
SPa-suspected physical affair
STBX-soon to be X(husband/wife)
STBXOM-soon to be X other man
STBXOW-soon to be X other woman
T/J-thread jack - taking a thread off topic.
TMI-too much information
TT-trickle truth
UCL-unconditional love
WS-wayward spouse
WTF-what the phuck
WTG-way to go

norabird posted 2/24/2014 13:58 PM

No wonder you are numb! What an avalanche.

There are great resources in the I Can Relate forum for spouses of sex addicts and I have heard the website recoverynation praised also.

I wouldn't even start thinking about whether you can reconcile and work on this issue with him yet. It's a big commitment and the risk he has That's a lot to tackle. Yes, you said marriage vows, but you didn't actually know that he had this sickness because he lied to you. So take your time before you make any big decisions and take care of yourself. Get tested for STDs immediately, get rest, get any comfort you can (church if you belong?), and be strong. I'm so sorry.

DrivingPast posted 2/24/2014 14:11 PM

My gosh, bphoenix, that is an avalanche. Im so sorry.

What you are feeling is normal, if that helps. You have been traumatized. Many of us portray symptoms of ptsd. It can hurt more than we had ever imagined.

There are a couple of books for spouses of sex addicts that have helped some folks. I cant recall them now, but I hope someone will be along soon that can post them. Also there is a thread in the "I can relate" section for spouses of sex addicts. On the first page are some resources listed.

DONT delete anything without documenting it FULLY first. Many have had regrets because some answers may be gone for good. Also you may want to consider that you still do not have the full story. Be careful with counselors, especially those without experience in this realm. Are there any CSAT near you?

bs- betrayed spouse
ws - wayward(cheating) spouse
op- other person, sometimes called affair partner

(((bphoenix)))) hugs!

tushnurse posted 2/24/2014 14:18 PM

Wow. Yup you are right it is more than just cheating. You are stuck with a man that is addicted to sex, and god only knows what else.

What you need to do right now is protect you, and your kiddo. Go into survivor mode right now, and get your ducks in a row.

See an attorney, find out what your rights are, what his obligations are, and how things will play out should you choose to Separate (S) or Divorce (D).

See a Dr NOW and get the full meal deal workup for STD's, including HIV, and Hepatitis. People that play like this typically aren't into protecting themselves. If he told you he used protection don't believe him, in fact don't believe anything at this point. Also do not have unprotected sex with him until he proves he is clean, and has been clean for at least six months.

Figure out what you want, do you want to try to work this out? If so why? If it's driven by fear of change, or the unknown, then stop and wait things through a bit. Do NOT let fear be your decision maker. Your H has a LOT of work to do.

He is very broken, and has some major issues to address and heal before you can feel safe in your M again. If he doesn't show the effort, or work to start healing, then I would urge you to draw your line in the sand, and demand the respect you deserve. He will probably attempt to get you to join in so he can rugsweep the whole thing, don't let him. I mean if you want to join in then great, but remember he is a liar and a cheater, and cannot be trusted.

You will find a ton of resources and great people here, and believe it or not, you will find folks that have been where you are right now.

Keep reading, keep posting.

(((and strength)))

SadInNC posted 2/24/2014 14:36 PM

I knew he was being distant, he was never really a family man or a decent husband,

You never even knew him. Not a great father or husband. I'm so sorry for you. You deserve a wonderful man in your life who truly loves and cherishes you. Save all the ugly details of his disgusting double life and go see a lawyer. We are here for you.

BPhoenix posted 2/24/2014 15:09 PM

I guess part of me feels I should stay because he sounds truly sick and isnt that what people are supposed to do? support their spouse in sickness and in health?

I guess the other part is i AM afraid to leave and start over. Im afraid of what it will do to my son, not having his father around.

norabird posted 2/24/2014 15:37 PM

Your son has a great mom-- he will be okay. You can have him see a counselor to help with the transition. And if you D, there will be custody, visitation--he won't suddenly not have a father.

You can make it as a single mom. It's not what you planned for, but you're strong enough. Don't make a decision out of fear.

I mentioned the vows and your not knowing about his sickness when you made them in my first response because I know that the language says 'in sickness and health' and I know an addiction is a type of sickness. But this is not like cancer, or heart disease, or some genetic disorder that appears suddenly or was a possible risk but not diagnosed or present yet. It is part of who he is. He knew it was part of who he is. He may have already been engaging in these behaviors before getting married. He chose to keep you in the dark. He stole your ability to make an informed choice about your future. That deception is why the usual 'sickness' language of the wedding is moot. If someone is diagnosed with cancer years or even months after marriage, we all know why the spouse must support them--it's because these setbacks are part of life, and no one is to blame for them. If you knew he was a SA and married him anyway, then yeah, it would be a bit different, you both would probably have been committed to doing the work to keep him healthy. But you did not know.

And again, regarding the vows...he has already broken his tenfold. So, consider yourself free on that count.

[This message edited by norabird at 3:38 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

bent44 posted 2/24/2014 16:26 PM


I am so sorry to hear about your situation! Please stay close here, read everything you can, and take care of yourself.

Like others here, I found out xWS was not the man I thought I married. Turned out he was an addict...alcohol, meth, and sex. Found out he had raped his own sister when he was an adolescent, and had never dealt with it. He was also abusive. Yikes.

As my brother said when I told him about my X's past, "That is not a cherry atop the hot fudge sundae of your marriage, it is a watermelon".
I would say you are in the watermelon category.

Please follow the pointers here...they are lifesavers! And most of all, please take care of yourself. This is a traumatizing series of events, please please please take care of yourself! And yes, keep copies of everything.

One of my favorite sayings from some wise person...
It is better to be FROM a broken home than IN one.

As to staying or going, that is not a decision anyone but you can decide. And you don't have to decide right now. Know you are supported here through your journey no matter which way you progress.

Lionne posted 2/24/2014 17:52 PM

Oh my dear.... living with an active addict is soul crushing. Not to mention damaging to children. You are not compelled to stay with an addict, sickness or not.

I'm married to a sex addict in recovery. Active in recovery. If he were not, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. Please don't keep your child in that environment.

IF he gets into a recovery program, 12steps, a certified sex addiction therapist, then give it some time,catch your breath. Even then, you need the same level of therapy. This is a significant trauma.

No one has to stay after this kind of betrayal!

CallMeRed1 posted 2/25/2014 04:39 AM

I am so sorry to read this.

Your husband is without a doubt a sex addict. As others have said, do look at the "I can relate" board for spouses of sex addicts.

There is a long road ahead if he wants to deal with this addiction.

If he doesn't want to deal with it (my EXWH didn't) then I think you have to consider all your options.

I'm so sorry.

CallMeRed1 posted 2/25/2014 04:40 AM

PS Before you do anything else please get yourself tested for STDs for your own sake as well as that of your son.

Your husband should also have these tests as well. Obviously.

OK now posted 2/25/2014 05:00 AM

His addiction is so severe I can't see him being able to give up on this serial cheating. He will just take it underground and further expose you, and indirectly the children, to a whole host of nasty diseases.

You really cannot afford to have sex with this man if you value your health. I think it would take castration to get him to stop his cheating. Time to lawyer up.

lovehatelove posted 2/25/2014 06:57 AM

BPhoenix ~ I'm so sorry you are going through this.. I'm sure you're so calm bc you're still in shock


I'm not gonna say you need to get a D.. only you can make that decision...

but if you're gonna stay, he has to become completely transparent .. he has to tell you everything... he has to be willing to be open and honest with you..

he also has to want to change... he has to want to get help for his addiction.. he has to be willing to do anything and everything you need to be able to trust him...

again, I'm so sorry.... here's another hug...


7yrsflushed posted 2/25/2014 08:17 AM

I guess part of me feels I should stay because he sounds truly sick and isnt that what people are supposed to do? support their spouse in sickness and in health?
He already broke his vows to you when he cheated multiple times. Also the thing about the sickness and health part, in my opinion, applies to things that happen that are out of your control. Your wayward husband made choices and actively lied to you about them for years. Maybe he couldn't control his urges but did he have to lie to you about them? If you had a serious illness would you lie to your husband about it? He chose to break those vows and lie about it. You can choose to stay with him and it's your right to do so but having gone through this shitstorm myself and seeing the stories of so many I would ask you to absorb and take in this one piece of advice if you don't take in anything else from the first few days of this shit storm...

Please understand that YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. He has to do that on his own.

He has to do that himself. Nothing you do will make him get help or stop cheating or become a better person. That is 100% on him and he has to make those decisions himself. The only thing you control is yourself. Look up the 180 in the healing library and start to detach. Click on the healing library link, click on the BS FAQ, it's number 11. Then implement it as you can and start to detach from him. Your heart may take awhile to catch up with your head. Your wayward husband, WH, detached from you long ago when he started his Affairs. By detaching yourself you put yourself on an even playing field so if you choose to work on building a new marriage with him you can do so while seeing him for exactly who he is. It's one of the first steps in healing from this. Your old Marriage was destroyed by his Affairs. If you do choose to divorce then detaching will help you start to move forward with your own healing.


He has no incentive to change unless there are consequences to not changing. For some wayward spouses being caught is enough for others there is nothing that can make them change. Your Wayward Spouse has a lot of digging and soul searching to do to figure out what exactly caused him to think having affairs and unprotected sex was okay. Why was it okay for him to lie to you and steal all these years from you. He has to be the one to do that work. you can't do it for him. Even then he may not change so you focus on the only thing you know you can control which is yourself. Either your Wayward Husband will get his act together on his own or he won't. I'm not telling you to file for D but I am telling you to focus on yourself so you can get to a point where you can make decisions about your life and your childrens going forward. I wish you the best. Keep posting it truly does help. This is a safe place.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:32 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

doggiediva posted 2/25/2014 09:59 AM

You express fear of raising your son alone..

If you have the resources to separate and leave this guy NOW I would do it if I were you..While your son is still very young..

Get out of and away from being legally bound to him by marriage..If you decide to attempt a relationship with him in the future and it doesn't work out you will be in a position to immediately break up with him and walk away..

I am worried that this person with all of his issues is gonna drag you down with him and ruin your future..

ok2014 posted 2/25/2014 13:20 PM

Have you read
Elle's WH is a SA and her blog is wonderful!!

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