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Affair love?

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byefornow posted 2/24/2014 13:30 PM

I knew my WH told the affair partner he loved her. He was honest about it and has told me when, etc.

But, we always had a special saying between the two of us that I thought was sacred. Today I found a text where he said that to her. I am crushed. I even have a necklace with it engraved on it, which I have trashed today.

I am so upset and crying sad today.

How do you keep breathing and believing that this "affair love" was not real? He keeps saying it was not but that was "our" special phrase so she obviously meant a lot to him AND he choose to share that with her.


NikkiD posted 2/24/2014 13:55 PM

I just came across this:

Basically the difference between married love and affair love is…married love is unconditional, you accept your spouse for who they are, warts and all. Affair love is conditional; it cannot survive the realities of day-to-day life. Affair love is steeped in fears of loss whereas, married love is associated with the comfort of knowing you are loved and accepted as you are.

Found it on in the divorce support section.

Stillstings posted 2/24/2014 13:55 PM

First, I am so sorry, that has to be a horrible blow to you. Cruelty sometimes knows no limits.

How do you keep breathing and believing that this "affair love" was not real?

That is hard to cope with. You know it is not real. You can't build reality on a bed of lies, like you can't build a home on a faulty foundation full of cracks. You keep breathing by knowing you did nothing wrong. You are the stand out here. He chose to be unfaithful. You're a good person. You're worth more than what he's offered you.

Tell him that phrase is no longer special and he is not to say it again. It's his fault it hurts you now. Make him take ownership.

TheClimb posted 2/24/2014 14:08 PM

I'm sorry this has hurt you so badly. What you need to remember is that he didn't use your "special saying" because she or their affair was special, he used it because he was lazy and didn't put any real effort into the affair. She was willing to share him with you; certainly not worth the extra effort it would take for him to come up with something charming just for her.

My husband took the Princess Whore to the same Morton's Steak House that we had been going to for years. He didn't put any effort into the affair. This was by far the nicest thing he did for her and it was a carbon copy of our dates. Except for the fact that I am no princess and am much classier that she will ever be.

I can certainly understand if you don't use that special saying with your husband any more as it has been tainted. Just like we don't eat at Morton's anymore. But, know that she is the one who received the short end of the stick... minimal effort.

LoveActually posted 2/24/2014 14:10 PM


So sorry for your pain. My husband told the OW he loved her for the last three months before the affair ended-his was a 12 month long distance EA but they were able to meet up for a few days and took it physical too. By far, the fact that he told her he loved her hurts me more than any part of the affair. The text I found that brought us to d-day was from her, a picture of her smiling face and the words "I love you honey!" typed beneath. Stabbed me in the heart life a knife. It's five years later for me and the way I have resolved it for me is that if he really did love her..if it was really love...he would have done anything to be with her. Remember, without action, words are just words. You have to try and separate what the meaning is for the two of you versus the meaning of the word for them during the affair--it was just used to keep the fantasy alive. My husband admitted that he said whatever she wanted to hear to keep the "game" going. I know for me, when I love someone, wild horses wouldn't keep me away. I would crawl across broken glass and scale a mountain for the people I truly love. There was no action behind his "I love you" to her. It was just smoke and mirrors. If it helps any, five years later my husband is mortified that he uttered those words to her.

Shonsal posted 2/24/2014 14:17 PM

I understand the hurt you feel when your special 'something' is used with the OW too. My WH used to say 'sweet dreams' to me just before we'd fall asleep because he knew the troubles I had sleeping and with dreams. I always thought that it was just between us, something shared between loved ones, until I found it in messages he had sent to her as well. It broke my heart and he's forbidden to say it now.

NikkiD posted 2/24/2014 14:18 PM

I'm sorry this has hurt you so badly. What you need to remember is that he didn't use your "special saying" because she or their affair was special, he used it because he was lazy and didn't put any real effort into the affair. She was willing to share him with you; certainly not worth the extra effort it would take for him to come up with something charming just for her

I agree with this. I can name unique differences in all the boyfriends I've had. None of which is very similar to what I shared with my WS.

Charity411 posted 2/24/2014 14:57 PM

((((byefornow)))) I completely agree with The Climb about why he used your special phrase with her. The fact of the matter is that he is lazy. He has no creativity. He simply used what worked on you as a means to an end.

My ex went positively everywhere with OW that we ever went. Same vacations, same restaurants, same everything. As time past I came to see it for what it was. He couldn't come up with a better idea. In fact, for our last Christmas together while he was having the affair, he bought me, her and the surprise other mistress the same exact sweater just in different colors. And he used my credit card to do it.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/24/2014 15:03 PM

Ouch. I'm sorry. That really is terrible!

hopingforhappy posted 2/24/2014 15:12 PM

My FWH called OW by all the same pet names that he called me. It was not special, it was lazy, as TheClimb so accurately pointed out. When I asked my FWH why he used those names with her, he told me he had a limited repertoire. I think 1) he was on autopilot with her and 2) it cut down on the stuff that he had to remember. If he called us both "honey", he never had to worry about calling one of us by the wrong name. It was practical, not special and romantic. It bothered me a lot at first, but not at all now.

I know this sounds simplistic, but you can get a new special phrase --and it will be even more special than the last one. If you are able to build a new relationship with your WH, I promise that this will happen. But I also realize the it is very hard right now. You feel like everything special that you had together is ruined. It most likely is, which is why you have to work to build it up new and better. It can be done, with time and work. (((byefornow)))

byefornow posted 2/24/2014 15:32 PM

thank you all for understanding. i am going to read and reread some of your post later, when i can breathe.

i don't understand why today this has hurt like nothing else. i am struggling and wonder if this is my deal breaker.

i can't catch my breath i have cried so hard. just reading your posts knowing your husbands did stupid, selfish things, too, helps so much.

oh how i wish this pain would go away.

cancuncrushed posted 2/24/2014 16:22 PM

This is common I think. We are assuming they feel love, like the love we feel ,towards others.
They dont. They are lazy. They reuse words and ideas, because it worked before, and its easier to remember, and the charges are not questionable.. It makes it easier... he doesnt feel the same caring considerate protective love in the way you love him.
It helped me to realize, I was seeing everything based on how I felt love and how things meant to me. It killed me to think H might love OW ,like I loved him...I REALLY loved H..Thats what we are familiar with. Its terrifying.
Your H probably did mean it when he said I love yOU to you...ANd just copied it to serve a purpose. It will forever be a trigger. It is ruined. BUt it doesnt mean he felt it at all. Just more dumb stuff they do. I hate that A's happen, and we have to wade thru the pain to come up with answers like this..Every day... Life could be so much better.
H always told me I was his OAO. (one and only). He hasnt said it in years...I wondered if he told OW that also.. I wonder why he doesnt say it anymore.

TICKED OFF posted 2/24/2014 17:35 PM

H said to me that he "had" to tell and do things for her for his own purposes. He said that the more he would say to her and do for/to her, the more he knew he could keep it all going. He now sings a very different tune (ten years later) saying that ow and everything that took place meant nothing to him and wasn't worth it.

I honestly do believe though that the WS does indeed have feelings for the op at the time of the a, even if those feelings are short lived. I believe that the feelings for the op whether it be like, love, total infatuation, or whatever, are true feelings based on the need to make it real for the purpose of the a. My reasoning for this is…..IF the true feelings for the cheaters are real, then WHY do most of them run back to their spouse after they get caught. Get my drift??? If the feelings were so pure and honest, they would all run away with the op not come back with their tail between their legs to the BS. So IMO, the feelings are real between the cheaters but only for the purpose of making the affair seem real when in fact it is all a bunch of bullshit lies and deciet.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 5:39 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

Lowlow posted 2/24/2014 21:38 PM

I second everything that has been said on this thread. He said the same or similar things to OW, took her to the same places and I can only assume he did the same things to her as he does to me. I haven't had the courage to ask about gifts though.... I already know too much about his actions, sex and feelings he shared with her.

But I really can relate to this statement from LoveActually "if he really did love her..if it was really love...he would have done anything to be with her. Remember, without action, words are just words"

Hold onto that sentiment. If he really loved her he would be with her....and vice versa. He's with you. Remember that.

Have you read about limerance? It's the polar opposite of love. The WS believes that he or she is in love when in reality it is infatuation. That would explain his use of similar phrases with you and OW. Yes, it's partly due to laziness on the part of WS, but it's also a result of limerance.

In my case , all the phrases he used with her have been banned from our shared vocabulary. I even have troubles using an "&" because it was part of a signature line we shared for 18 years... Even the word "love" is troublesome. Seems as if everything is a trigger these days.

bionicgal posted 2/24/2014 21:48 PM

Ugh - I hate it when they steal the special from you. But here is the thing, he couldn't come up with anything original? That doesn't sound like love or any strong emotion, really.

My H, a smart man in general, thought he loved AP (a mutual friend) after 2 weeks of secret emails. When I asked him what he liked about her, it was all about how she "understood" him, and how he -- get this, "thought she was like me." That she was my friend, so we must be similar, right? Now, this does not make my husband sound very bright or deep. . . and yet, it is how he felt.

My point is, that it is the nature of people in affairs to be hurtful, awful and selfish. To not think of anyone except themselves; they are delusional. So, I wouldn't put any stock, really, in what he said then. And he didn't give anything real away.

Arnold01 posted 2/24/2014 23:16 PM

Bionicgal is right about not putting stock in what they said during the A. The A is like an addiction, and my husband did anything / said anything to keep it going during that time. But that doesn't make any of it real.

Sometimes I relapse in my healing and get hung up on the fact that my husband told MOW that he loved her. When I do, a helpful thing for me is to read Chapter Three of "The Five Love Languages." It explores what love is and distinguishes real love (such as between spouses) from the "in-love" experience that is characteristic of affairs. Even if we use the word "love" for both things, it helps me to remember that the temporary emotional high of the affair love is completely different from the true love that exists in an intimate and healthy marriage.

Ostrich80 posted 2/25/2014 01:29 AM

I am trying to imagine what your feeling and all I can say is, I'm so sorry for the pain he caused you. That is something that no one should have to feel.

byefornow posted 2/25/2014 05:36 AM

Thank you all for taking time to help me through yesterday. I cried throughout the night. I am not sure why this particular discovery set me off so badly, except to say maybe I am at the end of my rope when it comes to discovering new little tidbits.

And this phrase meant so much to me

I think a lot of it yesterday was mourning I would never hear it again.

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