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User Topic: How much do I want to know?
♀ 42554
Member # 42554
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC warned me that I may not want to know all the details about WH's infidelity. I came close to asking him for details Saturday night, but he replied, "Are you sure you want to know?"

How do I know whether I need the details? How much is too much?

Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 35
4 kids: 11, 8, 5, 1
Married 13.5 years
D-Day 12/10/2013

Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 38173
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure I want to know it all either.....


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Bogey

I didn't need to know details, but many do.

I think it's good to write down the things you want to know and sit on them for a bit...the questions that keep coming back, that won't leave your mind, are usually the ones that need to be asked. Many times you think it's important but when you revisit the question you don't care about that answer anymore. So take time to decide and sit with them a bit.

You don't need to know everything today and you cannot unknow what you have learned.

We are years out and as I mentioned I didn't want details, the need has never changed, but if tomorrow I suddenly needed to know, I would ask.

Be good to you. I am sorry you have to be here.


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 36110
Member # 36110
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to know it all, because otherwise the details were left up to my mind to create and I wouldn't know the difference between reality and crazy.

But knowing it all has it's consequences because then our mind actually creates the movie with the accurate details.

The more I knew, the more questions I had and asked. In the end there is plenty I wish I didn't know- some that would have been easy not to know, and others that were part of what I needed to know.

I would shy away from getting too explicit in sexual details. Those are the ones that probably haunt me the most :/

Once you know, you can't unknow. it's worth taking some time to think about what you'd like to know.

[This message edited by orchidsoul at 3:31 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

You've got to let your soul shine

Dday- May and June, 2012

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it was enough irrefutable proof/information for me to take action, but no more than that. I'm glad I don't know the gritty details. The mind movies etc are bad enough without having it all filled in for you.

But we were headed directly to D. He had no remorse and R was never an option. I might have felt differently if we were going to try and stay together. I think that might have driven me to want to know more... though I do think ultimately that would have hurt a lot more. You might post your question in the Reconciliation Forum, to get answers from folks who are going through the same thing you are.


Hugs to you. Nothing about this is easy.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords

Posts: 1857 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
♀ 20597
Member # 20597
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure that I would want to know the details. I would be afraid that they would play over and over in my mind like some badly written movie. The cheating would be consuming my mind anyway, why add to the pain? Just my opinion

Married 8 yrs
Together 9 yrs
Hub was unfaithful during first year of dating. I honestly know he has not been unfaithful since 2/2005.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Texas
♂ 42140
Member # 42140
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I yo-yo'd between wanting to know and not wanting details. It just so happened that i was in the wanting to know phase when we were able to have alone time to discuss. At the time i felt i needed to know all and then i can work on dealin with it all. For me i think the what ifs and wondering was worse than knowing. Your going to have a playback in your mind regardless and the details were as nauseating as expected but at least i know what i have to get past if i decide to R inthe future. I felt its a damned if you do, damned if you dont scenario.

BH-46 (me)
First Dday-2/09
Sec Dday-1/14
Married 17 yrs. Together 26

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NJ
♀ 42529
Member # 42529
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have asked everything I can think of this past week when, where, what? For me it is a real need to know for the following reasons

1) so that I don't feel that my WS is hiding anything from me anymore
2) so there are no secrets between WS and OW. Obviously I wasn't there when it happened so will never fully know the second by second account but I wanted to feel like I knew everything she knew
3) thinking about what 'might' have happened is more torture than 'knowing'
4) I wanted to know if he said ILY, as this would have been a deal breaker for me for R
5) knowing the dates they met I could work out if I was doing anything significant that day that my WS missed to be with her.

You will never know all the facts. Blow by blow conversations, every intimate moment etc mostly because your WS won't remember. Do you remember what you talked about last Friday? But the bigs things, the big statements, the bare facts I felt I needed to know to stop the constant questions in my head that would have driven me mad if I had not asked.

I ask questions every day since DDay. Days 1-4 new bits kept emerging as he remembered. The last few days nothing. I will still keep asking until I am satisfied

This is me and the type of person I am. As you can see here it matters to some people and not others. Have a good think if you really want to hear the answers and indeed if WS will give you the truthful ones.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 40937
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to know the details. I got sick of TT and the secrets. I felt like they had this running secret. I couldn't stand not knowing the mind movies got better after. Some things are hard knowing. I threw up several times when he was telling me. It's hard to hear WH had unprotected sex with a girl who had a tattoo on her vagina. A superman icon that stood for super slut but she said she was clean so WTH. Here is a shocker she wasn't! It's hard to hear he was so far from the person I thought he was. The rest of the details I already had guessed happen. It was tamer than I expected. I wish you the best of luck. For me I had to know what I was forgiving. None of this is easy but we will get through this.

BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
♀ 34030
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to know everything. Unfortunately I did not get everything but I played detective and found a lot more info than H would have been willing to share with me....
Is there still more out there I should know?? I am sure there is. I know there was no sex; I know there was no intimacy of any kind; I know he confided in her and this is what I would love to know: how much this bimbo knows about me, our life, our children. That bothers me more than anything else: that he confided in her about us. I would love to know the details of what he told her but I never will.

And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 952 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you suffer from mind movies, I think you should seriously consider asking questions about details - most people who have reported on it have said the reality is not as bad as the movies.

If you're considering R, I think you should ask the questions that most scare you. Get the info before you commit to R rather than after. Make as sure as possible that you know the worst before you decide.

In general, I'm for asking questions. It shows you that you can, in fact, stand knowing the truth, and it gives your WS an opportunity to tell the truth and thereby start rebuilding trust.

JMO, of course. You have to make your own decisions ... you can't unlearn what you've been told, but you can always ask more questions later.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17077 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 42192
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to know intimate details.

But I have timeline questions that don't add up. I want to know when it started, how they met and about the timeline inconsistencies. He had an RDO booked, which he said was cancelled, yet he still went to work in casual clothes, think like that.

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will know when you want to know. If you are torn right now, save it for later. Give him your possible questions and let him write the answers out in timeline fashion. The answers will be there when you are ready.

I knew immediately that needed everything.

You get to decide what you need to know. Do not let your WS control this or color it to distract you. His response sounds a little dismissive to me.

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

Posts: 3470 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
♀ 42356
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely feel like you will know when you want to know.
Everyone is different when it comes to this, some don't want to know anything. Others want to know every grimy detail.
IMO, I feel like no matter how much you know, even if you do get every detail you will always wonder if he told you everything or if he left things out.

I think the major question is are you going to be able to make peace with it no matter how much you know?

"A tree falls the way it careful which way you lean"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 36870
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to know absolutely every last detail. But we ended up divorced.

I would say if you are hoping to R, it would probably be better not to know because the mind movies are hideous when you know all the details.

Good luck.

D-Day mid 2012
I was the BS
Status: Divorced early 2013

Posts: 439 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
♀ 42409
Member # 42409
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My counsellor was the one that suggested it and I was torn. She suggested that it would be a way of ensuring that there were no secrets between us - we (finally!) had complete honesty.

He was worried about hurting me but was willing to do whatever I wanted him to do to help the healing process. (And it was his warped idea of what I could handle that prevented me knowing of his infidelity for 10 years so I didn't really need him deciding again what was too painful for me to hear!) He told me everything and even though the thought of those things hurts, it was nowhere near as bad as the ideas I had created in my mind.

Still, everyone is different and not everyone's details are as mundane as my husband's were. You need to decide what is right for you.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
♀ 42437
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

absolutely decide what is right for you - not just therapist advice (although ask for better clarification to make sure you fully understand the advice before deciding either way)

Me? I am a catastrophizer extreme and my "what if" fears are worse than even ugly truth = especially since WH's idea of "protecting" was to keep his affair (with probable OC BTW) hidden for 5 years.

Since we have 3 kids I need to know how much danger I am in / the kids are in and I would rather know than not...

but I understand the mind movies so obviously tread cautiously and hopefully it will not end up feeling like you are allowing TT or rugsweeping.

The main result should be either way you choose to handle the details, you get the answers that help you heal

just my two cents - all the best as you decide

"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

"The darkest night is dispelled by the humblest of flames."

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
♀ 30905
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to know, I needed to know who he is, OW1 was karaoke hostess from poor Asian country, her job is to seduce men, her goal was US citizenship. OW2 was a 40ish divorced bartender living with her parents, her goal is, well, a man with a good job and a place to live. Both OW are pretty much desperate. The question I needed to answer was, is he the guy who gave in to women throwing themselves at him? or is he the guy who goes looking for it. I did get my answer, he is definitely that married creepy guy out scouting for women.

Posts: 296 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 30905
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wanted to know his boundaries, how low could he go? I wouldn't have found out he f***ed OW2 in the parking lot of her church if I hadn't dug it out of him. I suspected as much,since the only time we had apart was when he went to this new church. It absolutely hurts, but I feel like I needed a slap in the face so I can wake up and get on with my life.

Posts: 296 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to know everything. Like sisoon said, it can help some people with mind movies.
I'm still searching for details that WH isn't telling or remembering. Periodically, he remembers more when I ask. I'd rather have it all at one time than the torturous bit by bit that I have to dig out. It's pretty much like my mind movies though- that part hasn't helped me, unfortunately.
You have to decide what will help you the most. Everyone has different levels of "need to know".

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Topic Posts: 20

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