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car accident and realizations

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pizzalover posted 2/24/2014 15:02 PM

On Wednesday my BH was in a car accident. He was luckily not hurt, but he flipped his car on the passenger side due to black ice on the road. He was very upset, because this was a car that he had wanted for a long time and he only had two payments left on it. He called me at work to tell me about it and asked me to come home, which I did. I spent the day comforting him and letting him know that everything was okay and we would figure everything out (if the car was totaled, which we are not sure yet if it is). I even offered to let him use the whole tax return towards a new car, if needed, even though we agreed on using part of the money so that I could get a few things. He said no. We felt very close to each other that day. He started feeling very bad, because he realized that things he had said to me over the years really deeply hurt me and he was so grateful how caring, generous, and kind I was being. See, I am a very klutzy person and I have a tendency to break things or damage things. It is not on purpose. I got into a few accidents over the years that we have been together where Iíve either damaged or totaled my car. I have also scratched, broke, and damaged things at home. Every time something got damaged, my BH would become completely irate, even if the item/car just belonged to me. It was so incredibly painful when he would say these things, but since I emotional hoard I would just push it down inside of me and the resentment grew. My BH said that had this accident happened to me, he would have been irate, but when he saw how kind and caring I was, he realized how much he had hurt me. To be clear, I am not blaming him for my A. I also went to his IC on Thursday with him. He was talking about how he hates that he derives his self-worth on possessions. He also talked about how loving I was and how much he appreciated it. It was an important day for us, because got a glimpse of what his actions did to me over the years now that he was on the other side and I didnít react how he would have reacted. We are working very hard in our relationship and I treasure the positives, even if they spring from a negative experience.

HUFI-PUFI posted 2/24/2014 16:06 PM

pizzalover - On Wednesday my BH was in a car accident. He was luckily not hurt...

Thank God for small miracles. Good to hear that your H was not hurt. Being injured with its attendant financial issues etc. would just have added more drama at a time when you needed it least.

And it was also good to see how you could find a positive in a otherwise negative experience. Sometimes hope springs from the smallest of things in our lives.

HUFI

Skan posted 2/24/2014 21:03 PM

I'm so glad that he wasn't hurt and that this accident helped you both to get closer to each other!

LifeIsTooWeird posted 2/26/2014 08:59 AM

Thank you for sharing your story. I too am a clutz and constantly break or damage things around the house by accident. Though thankfully I haven't gotten in a major accident in awhile. My BF however has gotten in several accidents over the years. Each time I broke something he would quietly or verbally judge me, or joke about it in a way that was disguised judgment. Where as after his accidents I was always concerned about him first and his feelings or frustrations about the situation. I never judged his actions leading up to these accidents even though some were stupidity. In my case I was not the one to stray, even though I feel I like you based on these situations would've been justified, if that makes sense. When you feel like nothing you do or have done for the person you love is perfect or they'll get mad at every mistake you make you start to see your imperfectness through their eyes and develop low self esteem. You become overly judgemental of yourself and jump off the deep end eventually. Im sorry you were pushed so far that you felt like you had no recourse but to escape further. But please don't continue to push your feelings down though, it's a trap, tell him when his words or judgements hurt you, he deserves to know the real you and you deserve someone you can express your feelings to.

sadone29 posted 2/26/2014 09:11 AM

Sorry to hear about your BH's accident. FWH and I were in an accident a month ago, along with our two young kids. It was the most frightening thing I've experienced, and the fact that the kids could have been hurt has hit me hard.

It definitely helped us feel closer together. When you face something like that, it opens everything up and helps you to see what's important in life.

My H has held me often since then, and told me how he wouldn't know what he'd do if anything happened to me (I was the only injured one). Tragedy can't always be avoided, but we can learn and grow from them if we choose to. I'm happy to hear that it is helping you two move closer together.

mrs7 posted 2/26/2014 20:33 PM

Good post, pizzalover. Glad you are both growing, Very inspiring.

pizzalover posted 2/26/2014 21:48 PM

Thanks everyone for your positive comments. The good news is that my BH's car is luckily not totaled which makes him very happy and will allow us to do some house renovations that we want to do this summer. And of course, as stated before, he is okay which is all that matters to me.

In my case I was not the one to stray, even though I feel I like you based on these situations would've been justified, if that makes sense. When you feel like nothing you do or have done for the person you love is perfect or they'll get mad at every mistake you make you start to see your imperfectness through their eyes and develop low self esteem. You become overly judgemental of yourself and jump off the deep end eventually. Im sorry you were pushed so far that you felt like you had no recourse but to escape further.

LifeIsTooWeird -
I won't blame my BH for my infidelity, because I own it, but due to my poor boundaries I was not always able to stand up for myself. My BH sometimes feels like I paint him to be a monster who was always critical which he was not. I unfortunately am a person who doesn't derive self-esteem internally. I see myself through everyone else's eyes, and even though my BH would constantly tell me he loved me and I was beautiful, I still felt yucky about myself. All of my low self esteem comes from a younger age, but I can't remember when it started. My parents always supported in all my activities, etc and I knew they loved me. I'm obviously working hard to understand myself better.


Hufi, I loved the quote!

SadDone29 - Glad you and your family are okay.

sadone29 posted 2/27/2014 16:36 PM

Thanks! I'm happy your H is okay too!

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