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BH wants to tell family and friends...

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wheredoigo posted 2/24/2014 15:32 PM

Almost every day for the past year, my BH has made several dropped hints around family (including our kids) and friends about my A. Recently, it now is very obvious what he is trying to do, prompting several confused looks from friends or neighbors.

In the beginning, he told me that he didn't want anyone to know in the beginning because we were R'ing. However, he did tell my mom and dad. Today he asked what I would think if he told my sisters? (One who is getting married in a few months and the other sister who just left her xBF that had multiple A's, found out she was pregnant after she left him, only to have a miscarriage.)

I'm not sure how to approach this situation. I know he feels lonely hurting in this situation and that I'm embarrassed and regret everything that ever happened. My big thing is (ironically now) is that I don't' want to hurt the kids if they found out (yes, I understand it was my initial selfish terrible decision to put our family at risk).

I just keep thinking if more people know, there are more opinions and advice from others that could be awful advice and eventually leading to the kids knowing. Is there anyone that can give me some insight on the best way to support his feelings and this step without causing more damage?

wheredoigo posted 2/24/2014 15:43 PM

I should add- I have told him that if part of his step to heal is to tell anyone he wants, then all means, to do it. I'm just scared it will bring more confusion to the pieces and cause more pain in the end… Am I in the wrong to even worry about this since it is was my ultimate decision to ruin our marriage?

HUFI-PUFI posted 2/24/2014 15:58 PM

wheredoigo - Is there anyone that can give me some insight on the best way to support his feelings and this step without causing more damage?

I think this kinda falls in to the "consequences of the affair" department.

I can sympathize with your feelings but as the BS, its your husbands prerogative to reveal the A if he so desires. We made the decision to have the A and they get to decide whether they want that news spread around town.

But that's also the argument against talking up the affair. Ultimately, it escapes your circle of friends and family and becomes public knowledge.

He has to be aware that once the secret is out, there is no putting the genie back into the bottle.

I think that the best way to show support is for you to ask if he wants to make it public and then for you to offer to be the messenger. Knowing that you are willing to sacrifice your private affairs to anyone that he wants to reveal it to(thereby publicly acknowledging your responsibly) might be enough of a step for him to then reconsider the whole "lets make it on the 6 o'clock news" thing.

You might want to re-look at the issue of telling the kids too. The truth is, as parents, we're not that good at hiding the tension and fights and dirty looks as we think we are. The kids probably have some idea. There is no need to get into explicit details but a general acknowledgement that mom & dad are working through issues might be appropriate. Doing that will go a long way to reduce the stress of hiding your secrets.

HUFI

wheredoigo posted 2/24/2014 16:14 PM

Ok. As hard as that is to swallow, I get it. It's harder I think, because in my first marriage, I didn't tell anyone about my FWS to protect my daughter (and still feel like I need her not to know- even to this day) and my BS felt that way with his FWS and telling his daughter --we have his/hers/ours --but they are all mine).

You might want to re-look at the issue of telling the kids too. The truth is, as parents, we're not that good at hiding the tension and fights and dirty looks as we think we are. The kids probably have some idea. There is no need to get into explicit details but a general acknowledgement that mom & dad are working through issues might be appropriate.

We've been open with our kids that we are always working on things. It's just more of intentionally leaving literature on a shared account amazon out for our 13 year old to read, that took me back. I quickly removed the kindle from her before she saw it (I think) and then discussed that, should he want to tell her, it'd be better coming straight from one of us.

We have spoke of it, even today, and I said, let me know who you want me to tell, and I'll do it, but then he says no… and later brings up other couples or a tv show where the spouse has an A and waits chuckles at the other person's response and looks at me. In the end, it has made a few friends shake their head and feel sorry for me, which is actually not the case. Should I then be frank with that friend and let them know?

20WrongsVs1 posted 2/24/2014 16:46 PM

Should I then be frank with that friend and let them know?

No, IMO outing you is BH's choice alone, and you respect his wishes. If he's leaving "Surviving An Affair" on Amazon for DD to see? I have a problem with that. Something Iike that could stress DD out, wondering what is going on. She may not feel comfortable asking either of you about it.

I got BH's permission to tell my parents after DDay, and my sister knew during. Last week we all went out to dinner, and BH said later it was hard. He felt like an idiot, he said, sitting there with all the people who knew. Society has a double standard IMO WRT cheating. Men cheat because they're assholes, women cheat because their husband isn't meeting their needs. A woman who takes back a cheating husband is a saint, a man who takes back a cheating wife is a doormat.

Jovie posted 2/24/2014 17:25 PM

What does he hope to accomplish?

From the way you are describing his behavior it seems like he just wants to embarrass or hurt you? If you are reconciling I just don't see how that is conducive to a healthier, happier relationship.

I'd approach it with him in that way. If he feels it will help him heal, then so be it, but like HUFI says, there is no turning back once people find out.

TOMTEFAR posted 2/25/2014 02:56 AM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:36 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

BrokenButTrying posted 2/25/2014 03:26 AM

I'm not going to lie, at first I was really upset at the thought of people finding out. I didn't want anyone to know. What other people think of me has always been important to me and I would rather cut off my own arms than have people know the awful things I'd done.

But then I realised that actually, what other people thought doesn't matter. They wouldn't know the full story, their opinions make little difference to me. What matters is my BH, his feelings and our marriage. Other people can think what they want, it's what my BH thinks that's important.

smez posted 2/25/2014 06:06 AM

It depends on what he wants out of telling. Is telling going to help resolve things for himself or telling because he wants to punish you and embarrass you.

In what feels like a decade ago, we watched friends go through infidelity. The BW told EVERYONE. Her parents, her friends, his friends, his parents. She later regretted and appreciated that decision.

Her parents were obviously furious and pushed really hard for divorce. Her friends (who already hated him) also pushed for divorce. On his side, we were a mixed bag. I think this surprised her because our group of friends was none to fond of her. We told WH to get his head out of his ass and go work on his marriage. We told him that he was not going to find a better partner and to deal with his issues.

They ultimately R but she lost quite a few friends. His relationship (and hers) with her parents was strained for very long time.

She said it was a good test to see who her true friends were and see that she got support in unexpected areas but she would have been 100% more selective in telling next time.

Airing the dirty laundry about your marriage may seem like a good idea but remember that once the cat is out of the bag, you can't control the reaction of others and you can't take it back.

As for telling children, a big just NO NO in my book. Don't use children as pawns in your marriage. Can children understand there are issues..yes? Do they need to know the details..no!

eleanor2012 posted 3/3/2014 10:38 AM

It is a huge, major mistake to tell friends and family!!! No matter how much sense it makes now, there will be serious regret.

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