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Newest Member: Dilbert (46033)

User Topic: silence says so much
mainlyinpain
♀ 39134
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have talked about being shunned before, or the silent treatment, whatever. I have been having this since Thursday I think after I told him
I found some information that made me heartsick.
I know I am pathetic and pitiful to be letting it get to me so hard and not being strong and refocusing. I am doing the refocusing and putting my energies into things that are positive for me. But lunch time just passed again, and we always talk at lunchtime and this is the fifth lunchtime in a row with no contact not to mention no contact the other 24 hours of the day. I know he will take the stance that he had to cut off contact with me because he is under such extreme stress at work and could not handle any stress from what I had discovered. I also know that this is bs and it is emotional abuse.
It makes me feel very small.
This morning he thought I was in the shower but I had stepped out into the bedroom to get something. He was coming down the hallway into the bedroom. When he saw that I was there he stopped and turned around in the other direction. I can’t describe how that felt.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 526 | Registered: Apr 2013
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please begin to take care of you. This type of behavior is abusive and manipulating.

He thinks if he treats you this way you will buckle, stop asking questions and be a "good little wife".

Surprise him, pull a 180, get yourself strong and start making the necessary changes you need to make in order to put you first.

You deserve a husband worthy of your love, he has chosen not to be.

Be good to you.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
jstbreathe
♀ 40829
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally get this. If I'm not all sunshine and rainbows WH completely shuts down and stops talking to me. He travels for work and I won't receive any communication for days, I don't even know if he is coming or going. Then out of the blue he just shows up and tries to act like nothing happened. They are just so much more comfortable with their heads firmly buried in the sand or in some orifice of their bodies.

IDK if it's shame, guilt, or maybe he hates to see first hand what he has done. Or could just be that he doesn't really give a shit and is waiting for the storm to pass. Who knows, you can't make sense out of nonsense!


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 154 | Registered: Sep 2013
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not pathetic or pitiful.

But you do deserve more.

I HATE that this is being done to you. Somewhere deep inside you there must be anger over this. Work to find it.

Stop hoping for him to give you what you need honey. Only you can make yourself happy. So start working on it!

Tomorrow? Find something else to do at lunch.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...I also know that this is bs and it is emotional abuse.
It makes me feel very small.
This morning he thought I was in the shower but I had stepped out into the bedroom to get something. He was coming down the hallway into the bedroom. When he saw that I was there he stopped and turned around in the other direction. I can’t describe how that felt.

That is soooo childish! What a douche'!

My dear Queen MIP, as long as you react to his abuse he will continue to mete out this abuse.

I know it is easier said than done but you will have to change the way that you react to his shitty abuse. He is not going to change because he is getting the desired response from you:
It makes me feel very small.

I am so sorry. You are responding to the 'buttons' that he has installed. HE is getting his desired response from you.

This is why the 180 is so important. You will have to detach from him, your 'Give A Shit' will have to break. Turn away from him. Treat him like he is not there. At first he will act like this is what he wants. But there will come a turning point where he will realize that he will not get that response he needs from you and he will begin hoovering you.

Poor sap sucker, Passive Agressive WS are so predictable.

You must ditch him for your own mental health. As you know he can keep up the 'silent treatment' forever. He is waiting for you to break so he can further abuse you with some bullshit backwards thinking...like you need to be a better wife and woo him so he will be nice to you.

No matter how much you protest and try to reason with him, he will twist your words in hurtful ways to push you into a corner with only him to 'save' you...FTG!

This guy is not worth your love and loyalty. You are a kind and loving Queen, your the prize!

Detach your highness! He just a boorish commoner, he is not worthy of your beauty and grace.

Don't feel bad or pathetic. You are still trying to un-install those pesky buttons. It takes practice. The 180 is a cheat sheet guiding you, showing you the shortcuts. Even if you don't understand it all, just fake it for now. Your heart will catch up with your head, because you know he is wrong, wrong, wrong. And now with his crappy behavior he is adding insult to injury.

The nerve....That Bully needs to 'B-GONE'.

Do something nice for yourself during your lunch hour. After a few days of that you will barely think about his shitty treatment of you.

Besides who wants to hear what he has to say...when his lips are moving he is lying!

Have a better day your Highness.

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 4:16 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
jstbreathe
♀ 40829
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((karmahappens)))
He thinks if he treats you this way you will buckle, stop asking questions and be a "good little wife".
You nailed it on the head!

I tried the 180 on WH, I held out for 2 weeks! Complete NC! Even when he came home I held out and completely avoided him, didn't speak to him ect.. I finally had to call him because his brother had been admitted to the hospital and was in the ICU. Again, he just acts like nothing happened. I was an emotional wreck the whole time and he was completely unfazed. He's a master at 180!


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 154 | Registered: Sep 2013
redrock
♀ 21538
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning he thought I was in the shower but I had stepped out into the bedroom to get something. He was coming down the hallway into the bedroom. When he saw that I was there he stopped and turned around in the other direction. I can’t describe how that felt.

The silence standoff. Cold silence is a bitch. It hurts to feel discarded and unwanted. In all reality silence is exactly what he wants. He doesn't have to face up to the newfound phone with the side benefit of casting himself in the victim role- she won't talk to me- she is mean- I am so busy at work-how could she do this now... blah, blah, blah....

My H used the one short interval of his work career when things slacked off to have an affair. It is REALLY hard for me to find my empathy for his job situation now. Even when I know his stress level is through the roof. He cried wolf too much for too long.

His job, my temper, the kids, 'just wanting to have a nice night' are all go to answers for not talking, conflict avoiding, not doing what he knows he should. I would want to understand how in this specific instance your H feels it is okay to play silent chicken?

You are never going to get the perfect circumstances to heal on 'good days only'. So you better face up to the days you have. You can't make him face his actions and participate in the marriage. I know that it hurts. It is designed too. That is the worst part.

You do have control over you. He is trying to hurt you. He would rather hurt you than tell you the truth. SEE that.

It is hard to draw the line in the sand. To let go of the outcome when you want so badly to repair. I spent months and months in appeasement mode, love mode, work it out mode. It wasn't until I couldn't stand it one more minute that I drew my line in the sand and meant it -that R really began. It sucks that it took that. But I will also tell you that it is very freeing to get to the point where you know you can handle either outcome.

I am sending you hugs. Limbo with a passive aggressive sucks balls. They LOVE limbo, silence is in their comfy zone. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3163 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
jstbreathe
♀ 40829
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wasn't until I couldn't stand it one more minute that I drew my line in the sand and meant it -that R really began. It sucks that it took that.

What did you do exactly? What was your line in the sand?


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 154 | Registered: Sep 2013
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh My Redrock~

You are never going to get the perfect circumstances to heal on 'good days only'. So you better face up to the days you have. You can't make him face his actions and participate in the marriage. I know that it hurts. It is designed too. That is the worst part.

You do have control over you. He is trying to hurt you. He would rather hurt you than tell you the truth. [bold]SEE that.[/bold]

THIS^^^ Wow, there is the answer right there^^^!

Let go of what how he acts and protect you. He is not hurt or sad, he is deliberately trying to hurt you. And now that you have heard from another survivor talking about living with a PA-WS...she said what I was thinking, he is a coward. This is why he is silent, he cannot cope. He seems so stoic, so strong by ignoring you but really he just is scared. He is scared of the repercussions from his actions...UGH!

Learn that 180, put it into force, Ditch him.

Hugs to you Queen (((((MIP.)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have been conditioned, to little by little expect less and less until YOU have nothing inside. And you survive on the morsels he deigns to feed you.

Someone very wise wrote this to another member today. Do you recognize it?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((mainlyinpain))))


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26495 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sadmumma
♀ 42192
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But lunch time just passed again, and we always talk at lunchtime and this is the fifth lunchtime in a row with no contact

Can you o something else at lunchtime? Can you go for a walk, head to the shops, preferably something where you dont have your phone with you.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
mainlyinpain
♀ 39134
Member # 39134
Wink  Posted: 7:41 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so unmoored without this contact. Our lunchtime conversations were my touchstone….I know where he is, I know how the morning went, I know what the rest of the day holds. I can talk to him about the carjacking that happened yesterday two blocks from our house. .. I feel relative safety in that day. I have this daily caring ripped from underneath me where I already had a new major revelation that I laid on the table. I have to deal with that without any anchoring of any kind.

It’s like he was holding my hand and a fog came in and he just let go.

Yes Rebreather, you saw that I was really talking to myself, didn’t you?
I should really take my own advice.

GTH, I am going 180. This one will not break me. I have in the past always been the one to break this, to appeal to him and say I just can’t take this anymore. THIS TIME THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN. I hate games, I hate manipulations, but I will not bend or give in. Yes, this button pushed had destroyed me before where I would (yes, Rebreather) “just take the morsels he then deigned to feed me.” I am conditioned. This feels like the heaviest chains wrapped around me. What an effort it feels to work them off.

Redrock, (What was your line in the sand? I second the question)
I know silence is exactly what he wants. It has been a tried, true, tested go-to for him. Another coping mechanism he uses to turn me off. Like a TV, blip, change that channel. But although he treats me like an object, I am a human being. I hurt, I bleed.
“I am so busy at work-how could she do this now... blah, blah, blah....
And also his “just wanting to have a good night” Word For Word the same.
I responded to this for years and you know what I realized now? This is his victim card that he wants to play. He now enjoys the attention that he is given for being so overworked. Both I and his psych, everyone, tells him that he has to reduce workload. And he could, easily, he is his own boss. I realized that not only has his not doing this led to his continued stress, It has also kept him from being available for me. At a time where I need extreme comfort and attention.

He would rather hurt you than tell you the truth. That’s what all the lies are. Choosing to hurt instead of owning the truth. Coward.

Thank you all for your insightful words of support that helped me get through another day.
Like magical little compasses, you are pointing me in the right direction.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 526 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omgosh what a big baby. 180 his ass. I use to hate when my ws would would do this. I would try to be nice and ask what was wrong, try to coax him into a conversation. Finally I just ignored it and continued on my merry way. I kind.of started liking it when he would go in the bedroom and pout with the door closed all night. The last time he did it was the night I made one of his fave dinners. I didn't go into the room and tell him it was ready, I just let him stay in there. The kids and I ate and I fed the rest to the dogs. He cane in hhe kitchen much later and opened the microwave to get his plate he assumed.I saved...he hasn't done it since. Such immature behavior.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5276 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
joannie
♀ 42486
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for you too, you give me such good advice..head up, like me you are not weak...but we just don't know how to be strong yet. Thoughts to you from France, always


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
Sparkle0504
♀ 40379
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Mainlyinpain)))

The time has come for me too. No more, huh?

We Can Do This.


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 257 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
mainlyinpain
♀ 39134
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There really isn't anything any of you can say or advise...
Just crying and slipping from being strong. I'm on day eight of shunning. No one knows and I just need for someone to know this is happening to me. I have no motivation to find out any more about any phones or anything...which I am sure is fine with WH. Living with echos.

I should not approach him right? I don't want to but I just want this limbo to end. I want to not hurt. Not be hurt.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 526 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
♀ 39134
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am dying and I think he is doing much better with shunning me. I do not want to and will not be the person who ends this or tries to end this. In the past I always have been and it is demoralizing esp because he will not at first relent he will be angry when I approach him and that is the worst. But I am broken. I know the answer is "dump that guy". I am not even in the realm of wanting to do anything but make this silence end. I have no bitch boots to pull up, no strength to be righteous. I just want this silence to end. I want him to acknowledge there is another human living with him. I am in so much pain, I could not do anything that would bring pain or arguing or discord. I feel like a burn victim. Anything that disrupts will bring horrendous pain. Only thing that would help is soothing comfort. But any kind of contact at all is being withheld. I feel worse than a dog kicked into the corner. I am not even left a water bowl. I feel so pitiful writing this.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 526 | Registered: Apr 2013
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((big hugs)))

This is abuse. He's pushing your buttons. You CAN find bitch boots.

Do you have a good friend nearby who you can go see for the weekend? I think you should get out of that environment. Don't explain, just pack a bag and go stay in a close family member or friend's guestroom. Let them take care of you if possible. Or propose you and the friend do something you both enjoy for the weekend.

Please get out of this situation. You are at a point where you'd be happy with a crumb. It's awful. Please PLEASE find something to do this weekend for you that gets you out of the home.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
mainlyinpain
♀ 39134
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

norabird, I think you are clairvoyant. I should have left the house. He was just a timebomb waiting to explode.

I just blew everything up. He came home early and I knew he was just going to ignore me and go to another hockey game or somewhere. When he came in I went to him. He just showed me anger that really escalated. He started saying-I'm not going to talk to you-I'm going to a hockey game! I said that is just not acceptable this is the third game in a row you have gone to while not speaking to me at all. Then he screams how he has the right to relax after working all day and I spend all my time looking for things to destroy us and he is tired of it all. I say I am tired of it too. He says I am tired of you accusing me of things I didn't do. I said I didn't accuse you of doing anything. OH YES YOU DID
No, I try to say but he keeps yelling over me saying he doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. Finally I get to get out--What I said to you was that I found something to make me heartsick. He yells, you just want to find out stuff to destroy us. I say I want to find out the truth. He says we're over. I say fine. Then I tell him that I found a phone, another secret phone from 2009 that shows he had contact with OW then and that shows 750 hours of previous use. He yells he had no other phone. I say I found it in garage. I say it was paid for by her. He says no she didn't get it for me. I say she didn't get it? It thought it didn't exist! The he screams we're over and he's tired of it all. Just screaming at me that I should have better things to do that spend time on the computer (SI) talking to these people. Just a whole rant and rant and tearing me down leaving me shaking and crying and desolate. Is this the end? Have I tried and endured and in the end he will decide it is over? I could not have found the phone and not confronted about it right? That would be rugsweeping. I have a right to question and verify and express fears about what may be happening, right? I am so alone against him. I don't know if I can just give up when we haven't even had any MC but he has had IC and he is at this place, no empathy, no understanding, saying it is over. Would MC do any good? Does he really mean it's over? This hurts so much.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 526 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 57
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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