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Newest Member: AdriftSailor (46058)

User Topic: How much do you think is appropriate to insist upon/demand?
ziganska
♀ 41690
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I'm in such a irrational state (all emotions, all the time), I'm not sure if things that cross my mind are appropriate or not. My H is trying his best but for some reason, it doesn't always seem like enough and when I think of things that *might* help me recover (outside of creating a time machine and going back and erasing 2013), I'm worried that it's just too much to ask of someone.

For instance, his OW was a coworker who no longer works there BUT he has had many inappropriate relationships with current single, female coworkers, which he says he will discontinue now. Just to be sure, I would prefer him looking for a new job. I think I can trust him to not engage in those inappropriate conversations and outings, but I no longer trust my fellow females will damn that he's married and will go after him with full force. Now that a lot is coming out, I'm learning that too many single female coworkers were attracted to him, hung around his office, laughed at his jokes, etc. Those didn't lead to anything sexual and my H has told me it was wrong of him to be that sociable and friendly, but the fact of the matter is they still pursued him in a very inappropriate way when they knew he was married. One even asked him if he wanted to help her move into a new apartment--who the hell does that?

Not to say his future new job won't have tempting females there, but I associate such terrible things with that job, that office, those coworkers. But I'm afraid that's asking too much of him.

I also think he should cut down or stop drinking altogether. He's not an alcoholic but every inappropriate instance, including the A, has involved heavy drinking. I am not a drinker at all and I know that sounds morally judgmental of me to say he should stop drinking because I don't drink, but I truly believe that drinking contributed to his and her uninhibited tendencies.

My last "demand" is that he have absolutely nothing to do with any single female "friend" other than those I know of or have met (ie, friends of the marriage). He says he's fine with this and will not talk to any of them, but without some kind of letter or email, I can't know for sure. Is it too much to ask him to write a NC message to female friends? Or is not talking to them ever again enough?

I know I'm being hyper vigilant right now but I feel so helpless against, well, against every single woman walking the face of the earth.


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is to have NO single female friends. None. If fact, no married female friends, unless they are friends of mine, or his friends' wives. No female friends that are separate from me. We are a package deal, and any bitches who have issue with that... well, they can get to steppin...

Also... No Porn. None. One video, one clip, one magazine, or picture... and his ass can get to steppin', too.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you need right now may not be what you need five years down the road.

IMO, the job...she is gone, and like you said women are everywhere. He needs to learn and adopt different boundaries or you won't feel safe, no metter where he works.

If his boundaries are loosened when drinking I would have no problem with a no drinking policy unless he is with you. If he doesn't have a problem with alcoholit should not be an issue.

This one

My last "demand" is that he have absolutely nothing to do with any single female "friend" other than those I know of or have met (ie, friends of the marriage).

Is a no brainer, no friends except FOM and definitely no female friends without you involved in the relationship.

Does he go out and do "guys nights"? Those also ended after my husband's A...and six plus years later he still doesn't have them.

WE have no "outside" friends anymore and all friends are FOM. We go out socially together and rarely do one of us go out alone.

It isn't a punishment and is just the way we interact. Our marriage comes first and we need to behave as though it does.

You need to feel safe right now, so IMO there isn't much you could ask for that I would think was unreasonable. He shattered your trust. If he wants to be married to you he needs to do a lot of heavy lifting to prove it.

Set the bar high, make him reach...you are worth it.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
ziganska
♀ 41690
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your input. I just feel like a bitch sometimes because it seems that I'm always the one saying don't do this, do this, this isn't good enough, I need more of this and less of that. I'd love it more if HE thought of these things on his own and told me he's implement these changes, but it never works out that way. I'm always thinking of them...and if he's in a defensive mood, he says I'm scripting him as to what to do. I can't win.

Like Karma, I believe that we can have a productive social life, just the two of us, and he hasn't even had a guy's night out well before Dday. But it puts the onus on me to always be ready for outings and doing things, whereas naturally, I'm more of a homebody. I know that repairing the marriage includes repairing what was damaged long before the A, and that included me staying home more than going out, but it sucks that I will have to alter my life more than he will (in my mind at least). I hope it'll be worth it in the end because I do want us to be close but it's still so much work!


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you need to compromise. You dont have to become a bar fly because he likes to drink. Find common interests you can both share.

IMO you need to sit down with him and discuss what you need in order to feel safe. It isn't about being his mother, it's about protecting your heart. Navigating through this storm he has brought on. If he cannot understand this and want to help you through your pain he isn't ready to be a safe partner for you.

Bring it up before it "comes" up/ It removes the need for you to tell him "no", let him know what you need and see how he goes from there.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 4:13 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initial gut responses - just opinions...

New job won't help much, if at all.

Cutting down/stopping alcohol sounds like a reasonable request at the least. It might even rise to the level of deal breaker. It sounds like either he can't handle alcohol or he uses alcohol to allow himself to break boundaries, so if he's remorseful, he'll want to stop or cut down. Red flag if he balks a lot, IMO.

I'm against NC letters to female friends, because the friends are bound to ask why, so a letter will, I believe, increase contact. I'd go for just letting the friendships die a natural death. New friends and continuing old friends being FOMs is a great idea. I wouldn't want it any other way myself.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10772 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
rekindle
♀ 42184
Member # 42184
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW here, I hope its okay to chime in. My BH told me "I don't care if you have friends, but I need to know about them. They aren't friends if you have to hide them. They aren't friends if you talk about things with them that you hide from me or don't talk about with me." When he put it that way, that was so clear and logical, I agreed fully. So to answer your question, it is completely appropriate to insist that your WH has no contact with female co-workers/friends. His sociability at work seems like he has boundary issues and doesn't understand what is or isn't acceptable behavior for a married person. Lay down the law, set some boundaries, and stick to it. If he was truly trying his best, he would have recognized his work behavior and relationships as being harmful to you in the first place.


Me, WW
Him, BH
2 DDs
Together 9 yrs, married 4
Flirting/Boundary Breaking/Cheating for 8 years, OEA Fall 09-Feb 10 with flirty friend from 2007/2008, lied and rugswept until TT 12/13-02/14.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2014
totallyconfused1
♀ 42030
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely reasonable to tell him to lay off the alcohol, and discontinue the friendships with females. As someone else suggested, I wouldn't write a NC letter, just let the friendship wither away.

In regards to his work, I can totally relate. My ws works in a female dominated field (nursing) and there are about 10 men where he works compared to about 80 women. One of the women texted stuff to him last year saying he was hot. I absolutely despised his work place. Thought of him getting a job somewhere else, but figured I'd rather he stick with the devil I know, than the devil I don't. Kwim? Unless your ws is going to get a job where its only males, you may cause yourself more anxiety worrying about the new women there.


Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
Morhurt
♀ 40166
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your DDay is so recent and this is a long process. My H had chronic boundary issues (I had no clue) and though he was positive he would never have another A after DDay, the boundary issues took longer to sort out. Each "incident" was a learning experience for us. But it happened. At 8 months out I feel pretty goid about the boundaries and I see him taking on the heavy lifting of R. It can change but don't be afraid to push it along.
Is he in IC? Are you?
((hugs))


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 961 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO anything that you feel you need in order to heal from this mess is appropriate. There is nothing set in stone that viable for all people. You need what you need, but don't just make demands lightly because chances are he will balk at your requests. And if he does you must be prepared to take action yourself. And the only available action is to seek a D. R is a gift from you to your WH. If that gift comes with strings attached they must be respected by your WH. Otherwise he should not accept it in the first place. This is one of those times where you have to put your money where your mouth is. Any sign of weakness or hesitation will simply result in another D-day. A truly remorseful WS will accept your terms willingly. If he does not, well you have another decision to make. And keep in mind that you never should negotiate in regard to your demands of R. If you back down he will just walk all over you once again. A WS is nothing more than an emotional terrorist. And we all know you don't negotiate with terrorists. Good luck with your decision.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5908 | Registered: Nov 2007
annb
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is to have NO single female friends. None. If fact, no married female friends, unless they are friends of mine, or his friends' wives

^^^Exactly what Steadfast said! Why would you want to limit his interaction with single women only? The OW in many cases here were married, a married co-worker.

I am almost nine years out. Since D-Day my WH has cut all ties with any female friends he had. He trained in karate, and had many female friends, they were never an issue UNTIL the A. Nor does he socialize on the job when women are involved. Never any personal conversations with female co-workers, whether married or single. WH has had absolutely no issue with my requests, and he "gets it." Both of us have seen too many co-workers slide down that slippery slope. If your WH projects himself as purely professional, that's how people will respond to him.

Your husband has to learn what clear boundaries are, and certainly to keep his job as professional as possible.


Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Topic Posts: 11

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