What Chico said...
I came here looking for similar stories to find hope. When I let go of the differences I found all the hope I needed.
However, that can be hard when your details are your details and they specifically HURT.
My H had several A's over the course of our marriage. It isn't a straightforward story but it was brutal. Admittedly, the hardest for me was the EA aspect of each affair even though most of them became PA's.
I struggle with sorting through my feelings and emotions. I had a part in some of these A's but they were also forced on me so I get confused.
What I do see clearly is that our relationship has been a huge growing up time for my H.
He had no dad except his bio dad that abandoned him completely after he and mom divorced.
He had no model. His mom is an NPD ball of whining, wheedling, manipulative weird and yes, that particular model HAS been an issue in our marriage.
It's like a battle.
He has been growing up...far later than would be typical. We appear to be in R.
I say 'appear' because I have PTSD like problems from the 20 years of almost constant trauma (2 marriages) and a 3year false R, so while things look good, I'm afraid to say so concretely.
I will say, he has made some significant, positive changes that really show through.
I get too wordy but what I'm trying to say is that yes, I do believe they can change after all the destruction that can go on for very long periods of time. They can grow up. It IS possible BUT there are a few things to realize.
1. You must see the actions of forward growth...not just words. They have made themselves liars so words mean next to nothing.
2. You may find yourself seriously damaged after enduring the time it can take for the above to happen.
I don't just mean a broken heart and bad attitude...both of which are bad enough. I mean you may not come out as yourself on the other side because the process can be gut wrenching and not just the part when they finally get their a ha! Moment. You might be seriously compromised long after they have pulled their shit together.
Me: 44 BS
Him: 40 FWS
Ow: 47 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 23, 20, 19, 17, 12
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.