The one thing I'm clear on is that I'm pulling away from sat. If he wants to actively reconcile, then come looking for me. If he wants to talk, then pick up that phone. This will be the real test so watch out for more posts from me. My WH is so passive, and let's life happen to him, I can just see that he will let his greatest achievement, his amazing family, steady and loyal wife, slip through his fingers, and he will be left with nothing.
In the meantime I keep falling over triggers (hence my topic title). I've lost so much weight, and everyone is commenting on it and how good I'm looking, and I'm feeling great in myself as I have started taking care of myself (thinking about my clothes, hair make up etc). So my biggest trigger is that when people compliment me, I fall into an inner rage / turmoil/ mixed up mess of OMG! Why can't WH see this? What on earth does he see in her? I keep looking at her pic - she is so - ordinary! You are seriously considering HER?? Over Me? And our fabulous family? wake up man! Grow up, grow some balls and let's start working together on fixing the issues within our M.
Sorry for the rant. I'm so mixed up today. Can't stop weeping. I'll be fine again in the morning. Thanks all for listening. X
edited for typos w/spelling on ipod :)
[This message edited by forgivingnow at 9:55 PM, February 24th (Monday)]
I would cut off the HB; thats essentially making him comfortable with plenty of sex while he lives the comfortable single life with no noisy kids around. Doesn't sound the most enthusiastic father does he.
I think you need to stop all reconciliation and start to draw away from him; make him understand that you are making preparations to return to the UK and divorce. Its not until he sees you genuinely giving up on the marriage that he will begin to understand what he is going to lose. The HB was not the best idea. Sends the wrong message; tells him that you are desperate to get him back; vulnerable, weak, helpless and essentially at his mercy. Your battle is getting him to value you once more; regain the respect he currently doesn't have. Until he senses he is 'losing you' that won't happen. Maybe you can get him to babysit one night while you go out on a date night with friends; don't tell him where you are going or give any details. Plant some seeds of doubt in his mind. This complacent assumption that you can be taken for granted needs to end right now.
I am hoping you have read about the 180. With all the triggers you are having and will continue to have, this is the time to do things that build you back up. (which I see that you have, as I think we cross posted)
You have 14 more months in expat limbo. This will also be a difficult time, in the the post Affair reality, that is now part of your life. You need all the strength you have, focused on you and your children.
I'm feeling great in myself as I have started taking care of myself (thinking about my clothes, hair make up etc). So my biggest trigger is that when people compliment me,
Many of us go through this stage. It's a jumble of, "I look good" but "I'm pissed as hell about how it came about". Throw in our internal comparisons with the AP and it's a recipe for emotional turmoil.
Hang in there. You are doing pretty well, all things considered.
Looking at the phone was the right thing to do. Trust yourself to know that. Contacting the BS, was also the right and SMART thing to do. Your Wh may not want to come out of the fog, but the actions you took, protect you from further harm. Right now that's all you can do. And that will keep you strong when the emotions begin to weigh you down.
[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 5:13 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]
I agree with the previous posters. Why not consider a summer trip back to the UK with your kids? Leave hubby behind. Make him think long and hard about how it will be to live alone without you both.
Prior to leaving I would leave out a list of demands/requirements for complete R for him to ponder while you all are away. Make this list complete, list everything that he needs to do. He is the one who got into this mess, and he needs to figure out a way forward.
Take care of yourself. Your newly lost weight will make you more attractive to men. He needs to see that he can lose you in an instant. Go get your nails done, new makeup, new hairstyle, anything. Show him the sexy new you. He will fall apart once he knows that you can move on without him.