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Teabelly posted 2/24/2014 21:21 PM

So I still don't know where we are heading. My WH officially moves in to his new studio apartment on Saturday, he's rented it on a 3 month lease. Since the 2nd discovery on Saturday of texts after the AP broke her NC, I feel sucker punched. I'm wallowing - what do I want? How when why? I feel as if I'm on a roundabout and keep glimpsing exits that I want then another one passes and that's the one I want, and so on. WH is in the fog of self pitying love for his AP, even though she has now ended it (again) after I contacted her BS.

The one thing I'm clear on is that I'm pulling away from sat. If he wants to actively reconcile, then come looking for me. If he wants to talk, then pick up that phone. This will be the real test so watch out for more posts from me. My WH is so passive, and let's life happen to him, I can just see that he will let his greatest achievement, his amazing family, steady and loyal wife, slip through his fingers, and he will be left with nothing.

In the meantime I keep falling over triggers (hence my topic title). I've lost so much weight, and everyone is commenting on it and how good I'm looking, and I'm feeling great in myself as I have started taking care of myself (thinking about my clothes, hair make up etc). So my biggest trigger is that when people compliment me, I fall into an inner rage / turmoil/ mixed up mess of OMG! Why can't WH see this? What on earth does he see in her? I keep looking at her pic - she is so - ordinary! You are seriously considering HER?? Over Me? And our fabulous family? wake up man! Grow up, grow some balls and let's start working together on fixing the issues within our M.

Sorry for the rant. I'm so mixed up today. Can't stop weeping. I'll be fine again in the morning. Thanks all for listening. X

forgivingnow posted 2/24/2014 21:52 PM

When people compliment you think to yourself...I am strong, I am taking care of myself, I deserve to be treated with respect and honesty, I am beautiful. DO NOT compare yourself to her. You have beauty and integrity. Tell the other people you have made nutrition/exercise changes in the new year. Your husband made choices because of something broken within himself, he needs to figure that had nothing to do with you. I know that is hard to believe that now, but it is true.
Take care. You will be ok. Keep posting here for support.

edited for typos w/spelling on ipod :)

[This message edited by forgivingnow at 9:55 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

beautytoashes5 posted 2/24/2014 22:34 PM

(((Teabelly))) hugs to you
Take care of yourself and your kids.

OK now posted 2/25/2014 04:49 AM

Trouble is that your WH knows you are trapped in this foreign country for another 14 months and he can take his time about reconciliation. Its the disrespect for you I see from your posts; that he can afford to wallow in mourning for his lost and true love while you wait for him to 'get better'. Such selfish arrogance.

I would cut off the HB; thats essentially making him comfortable with plenty of sex while he lives the comfortable single life with no noisy kids around. Doesn't sound the most enthusiastic father does he.

I think you need to stop all reconciliation and start to draw away from him; make him understand that you are making preparations to return to the UK and divorce. Its not until he sees you genuinely giving up on the marriage that he will begin to understand what he is going to lose. The HB was not the best idea. Sends the wrong message; tells him that you are desperate to get him back; vulnerable, weak, helpless and essentially at his mercy. Your battle is getting him to value you once more; regain the respect he currently doesn't have. Until he senses he is 'losing you' that won't happen. Maybe you can get him to babysit one night while you go out on a date night with friends; don't tell him where you are going or give any details. Plant some seeds of doubt in his mind. This complacent assumption that you can be taken for granted needs to end right now.

Teabelly posted 2/25/2014 05:08 AM

Ok now you are quite right. I need to thicken my armour and practice 180. I'm so tempted to go home this summer - but I know it's the wrong choice for my oldest son. But I just don't know how I will manage for another year if it's clear reconciliation isn't going to happen. I'll be posting lots in the weeks / months ahead! Thanks for your support x

refuz2bavictim posted 2/25/2014 05:11 AM

I missed the update about finding contact between them. I am sorry to hear that this was the case, though I am not at all surprised. I am also glad to hear that you have done more reading.

I am hoping you have read about the 180. With all the triggers you are having and will continue to have, this is the time to do things that build you back up. (which I see that you have, as I think we cross posted)

You have 14 more months in expat limbo. This will also be a difficult time, in the the post Affair reality, that is now part of your life. You need all the strength you have, focused on you and your children.

I'm feeling great in myself as I have started taking care of myself (thinking about my clothes, hair make up etc). So my biggest trigger is that when people compliment me,

Many of us go through this stage. It's a jumble of, "I look good" but "I'm pissed as hell about how it came about". Throw in our internal comparisons with the AP and it's a recipe for emotional turmoil.

Hang in there. You are doing pretty well, all things considered.

Looking at the phone was the right thing to do. Trust yourself to know that. Contacting the BS, was also the right and SMART thing to do. Your Wh may not want to come out of the fog, but the actions you took, protect you from further harm. Right now that's all you can do. And that will keep you strong when the emotions begin to weigh you down.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 5:13 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

OK now posted 2/25/2014 06:40 AM

Just keep posting; the people who are involved with SI are a pretty caring bunch who give good emotional support and are a fund of sound ideas and a new perspective on your problems. Its a great comfort to know that others want to get involved with your difficulties and help out if they can. I personally would love to fly over and whack your husband with my son's baseball bat.

kalimata posted 2/25/2014 07:16 AM


I agree with the previous posters. Why not consider a summer trip back to the UK with your kids? Leave hubby behind. Make him think long and hard about how it will be to live alone without you both.

Prior to leaving I would leave out a list of demands/requirements for complete R for him to ponder while you all are away. Make this list complete, list everything that he needs to do. He is the one who got into this mess, and he needs to figure out a way forward.

Take care of yourself. Your newly lost weight will make you more attractive to men. He needs to see that he can lose you in an instant. Go get your nails done, new makeup, new hairstyle, anything. Show him the sexy new you. He will fall apart once he knows that you can move on without him.

Stand strong

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