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Guilt,kids,A life

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gettinout posted 2/24/2014 21:41 PM

I haven't posted in years but read often. I have just need advice on a subject which has raised conflict for me.
My ex and I are on ok terms, he married OW and has a kid but is very close to my son and spends a lot of time with him. Very consistent, every other weekend etc.So much time has passed,I really have no feelings at all except for child support and my every other weekend break which I have come to love. I do have a SO for the last 1 1/2 yrs . My kids know him, like him and all is good there.
My dilemma, due to circumstances, which are too long to go into my ex is stuck in his country for an undetermined amount of time. OK, I'll say it. The women he had an OC with, is suing him for child support and he is awaiting court dates. It has been three months.
What it means for me is my every other weekend free has come to an end. Temporary, maybe, but no end in sight.It has been three months already.
I really loved my time alone with my SO . Every other weekend I would stay at his house for the weekend.
I feel very guilty that I want my divorced life back .
I could care less if my ex ever came back except for two things.Money and my freedom four days a month. I feel really guilty saying it to anyone. ........
My responsibility is my son, and I feel guilty thinking it but.............

BAB61 posted 2/24/2014 23:54 PM

Once again your life is blown up by the X...it's an annoyance and it's out of your control. Don't feel guilty. I think you have every right to be upset.

Bluebird26 posted 2/25/2014 03:45 AM

Is there any family or friends that could help you out to allow you to have a break? What age is your son?

Don't feel guilty about missing your time out, you the single parent doing all the hard stuff we all need time out.

I hope the ex situation gets resolved very quickly so you and your son can get back to some normality. Routine is important for you son as well.

cmego posted 2/25/2014 06:37 AM

I don't feel guilty telling people I love my "every other weekend" free time. I love my children and I have sacrificed so much for them…but that "e/o weekend" recharges my batteries. I do things for "me", date or volunteer, or just study, or…do nothing.

I would totally hire a baby sitter for a weekend, or see if I could switch/share a weekend with a friend.

Your happiness is important too.

EvenKeel posted 2/25/2014 07:12 AM

Don't feel guilty!!!! I understand what you are saying.

My one child stopped going to her fathers three years ago and I still grieve that time....

Do you have any feel for how long his 'outta country' ordeal may take? Sometimes it is easier to get through something if you concentrate on knowing it is only for a certain period of time. Meaning - are you confident this issue is temporary and things will be back to normal as soon as his court problems are settled? If so, I would concentrate on that.

In the meantime, is there any compromise? It looks like your children are older so maybe it is possible to arrange one overnighter per month, etc? I know it is not what you are use to but it will help pacify your needs in the meantime?

MeMinusOne posted 2/25/2014 08:14 AM

I felt guilty too for a while enjoying my alone time. But then I realized that the alone time is what allows me to spend more quality time with my kids. And when I was married to their father and never had any alone time, I felt guilty that I wasn't spending enough quality time with them. If I didn't get time to myself when they are with their father, I wouldn't have any time to do things like grocery shopping, bills, laundry, etc. I do all of those things (and spend time with my SO) when they are not with me. When they are with me, we play, make arts and crafts, cook together, go to the museum, have sleepovers and playdates, explore the neighborhood, work on their school projects, chit chat, practice our braiding skills on each other, paint our nails, generally goof off, enjoy each other's company and bond. We are all much happier this way. The kids feel more connected to me and I feel less stressed and now less guilty.
I can't tell you not to feel guilty - good parents always put their kids first and sacrifice themselves. And we all feel what we feel. But know that many many people empathize with you.

gettinout posted 2/25/2014 13:00 PM

What pisses me off the most is ,once again I have to deal with his fallout of choices. It took me three years to create a life after being devastated for the millionth time and once again ,I have to pick up the pieces . Guess I still hate him lol

SeanFLA posted 2/25/2014 16:24 PM

Your son is my son's age. Like mine they start high school soon and then on to college. When they reach high school things will change as they will want to hang out with their friends more than their parents. Whereas you won't get full weekends to yourself, yo will get more free time with his independence. I would try to cherish these next few years because one day you will look back and really miss him being there.

stronger08 posted 2/26/2014 02:12 AM

Since I have retired I have gotten the opportunity to spend more time with my son. I now have him half the summer and most of the time when he is off from school. I know for a fact it has made my XW life easier but I really don't care about that. I do agree that she needs time to herself, shit we all do. But I simply enjoy his company. And as Sean said they get older and become more independent as they develop their own lives. My boy starts HS next fall and while I know he will no longer want to hang around with dear old dad when he can be out with his friends or dating. It kind of makes me a bit sad because I'll miss him. He and I have spoken about this and I told him not to feel guilty because its just how life works. I said we can see each other when he has the time. But for now its business as usual and I'm trying to enjoy the time I have left before he grows up on me.

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