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Breezy150 posted 2/24/2014 22:17 PM

I am not looking for advice just have to vent some of this out before I explode. I am apparently past honeymoon and hysterical bonding because I really really deep down inside hate my WH, he makes me sick, in fact I have been in bed for two days because I am physically ill. The thought of being around him makes me actually vomit.

The problem is that avoiding him and hating him makes me feel very lonely. I have devoted my life to him and my children, now the children are grown and gone and I am stuck with just him. I am lonely, hurt, confused, and so stinking angry. If I can't find one quality in him that I like then what is the stupid point.

Glad I start IC tomorrow, maybe something in my life will start to make sense. Right now if I am going to feel so alone anyway I might as well run away and be alone.

atpeacemaybe posted 2/24/2014 22:57 PM

(((Hugs))) I'm sorry that you're going through this. But I think the fact that you can say you hate him means there are still feelings there. I feel nothing, I'm totally numb. I'm worried that I have been mentally and spiritually broken. I wish I felt something!

You're not alone

Breezy150 posted 2/24/2014 23:17 PM

Wow, I am not really sure which one would be better, guess we are just screwed no matter what. Lol.

Jduff posted 2/24/2014 23:22 PM

Indifference is worse than feeling nothing at all. It provides no motivation.

But hey, I hear you. Just take it one day at a time. Feel all the emotions.

CallMeRed1 posted 2/25/2014 04:29 AM

Breezy I hope your IC can help you, you are doing the right thing with that.

I was 41 when I had my D-Day too. There is life after this, whichever route you chose.

Thinking of you.

7yrsflushed posted 2/25/2014 08:47 AM

Vent away! I had similar feelings and I describe it as the utter disgust phase. Just looking at my STBXWW during that period made me well up with feelings of disgust, disdain, disappointment, and many other negative emotions. Indifference came afterwards. Indifference was more "why are you still here or oh it's just you walking in the house". During indifference I could care less about my stbxww and had no feeling at all for her. I had truly detached to a point where she was just another person that I had to interact with. When I hit indifference I was ready to file because I was motivated to better my personal situation. I couldn't keep moving forward if she was still around and the M was dead and buried by her A and her inability to fix herself.

Breezy150, these are normal feelings that many of us have. You have to work through them as well. You will cycle back and forth for awhile whether you stay or go. But it does get better so hang in there. I wish you the best.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/25/2014 09:08 AM

Aww Breezy! I really hope you feel better soon! Its normal to feel hate after the initial shock starts to wear off. I found myself snapping at WBF for silly things just because the sound of his voice would make my blood boil! It eventually became less and less though as time went buy, and now I'm past the "extremely pissed off" stage, and now I just feel a deep sadness for what we have lost and what we still face in our road to R.

norabird posted 2/25/2014 11:22 AM

You're lonely now but you won't be always. You can start out going to meetup groups when you're ready, volunteering, etc--soon you'll have a life that is broader and more social and rewarding than the one you had with your WH.

Breezy150 posted 2/25/2014 11:47 AM

Thank you all so much, you have no idea how much you helped me this morning. I think last nights freak out was a little bit about starting IC today. I have extreme social anxiety, they said the only thing keeping me from full blown agoraphobia is that I will leave my house with a few select "safe people". Last night I was so mad that it was my main safe person that betrayed me, and so mad that I have to do something so terrifying because of his choice.

This morning after swearing I wouldn't go, I took an anxiety pill and realized this is my new reality and I have to get over the agoraphobia and do things by myself.

Still terrified but I am going to make myself do it. It is the first step to freedom from this fear, with or without WH. It will only be terrifying til it's over, then I will be so proud of myself for doing it on my own.

7yrsflushed posted 2/25/2014 13:21 PM

Good for you Breezy!! This is your life so continue to take the steps you need to face it one day at a time. If you have a setback you just pick yourself up and try again.

Last night I was so mad that it was my main safe person that betrayed me, and so mad that I have to do something so terrifying because of his choice.
In my case my STBXWW was the person I confided in. Talking to her was pretty much my ONLY coping mechanism when things got crazy at work or life in general. After the A, I needed to talk to someone but the person that I was used to talking to was now my BIGGEST trigger. I had no choice but to figure out other coping mechanisms which forced me to turn to IC, and working out. I had to force myself to do new things or remain in my situation and be paralyzed by my own inaction and fear.

While our issues are differnet the action to resolve them is the same. Take whatever steps you feel you need to take to become your own person again. keep moving forward for you one step at a time. It takes time to develop these new habits but you are taking some giant steps in that direction already. I wish you the best in whatever direction you take.

Breezy150 posted 2/25/2014 14:34 PM

Thank you. I did go all by myself, unfortunately there was a conflict in the scheduling so I couldn't see her today, but I rescheduled immediately and I am not so scared about next time.

This is the perfect time to take control of my life back, I have been so paralyzed with fear from the anxiety and PTSD (from a murder/attempted murder two years ago) that I have quit living. Now is my time! I know it will be hard to heal, but is have been through just about everything else bad that can happen and survived.

To tell you the truth I think my WH had the A because I was finding my voice again fighting for justice in the murder case. I think he liked me scared and home.

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