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4 years since D day

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crushedhim posted 2/24/2014 22:32 PM

I haven't viewed this site in years. This time if year is a difficult one. My BH struggles at this time each year. He is still "in" our marriage however I know now that it is forever changed even if I was a perfect wife. I feel helpless as to still not being able to provide him much comfort. He can't understand when I too say that it is difficult for me. I feel like I too suffer during this time of year because I caused soooo much pain to the man I truly love. It has been revealed to me what true dedication looks like. My BH has been strong and has stayed true to his commitment to our marriage. In the beginning he would say to me that R could take years. I am beginning to see that it may never be a 100% R. I am accepting the fact that I get what I get and that only faithfulness and keeping my promise to never allow anyone to step into our marriage is what I will be happy with. Sadly, I wish for more happiness for my husband and pray that one day true forgiveness will be possible. I am happy to say he has faced the odds and I love him more for this each day. I do however miss that I will no longer be his reason! I hope to become a different strength to him that is new and improved, but for now I am happy to be called his wife.

Jrazz posted 2/24/2014 23:32 PM

(((crushedhim & crushedjsj)))

I think it's always going to be a work in progress. Hoping for forgiveness for you as well as for him - I think it's the only true path to freedom from this. Don't give up.

lovehatelove posted 2/25/2014 03:20 AM

I enjoyed reading your words... as these are the same kind of words I hear from my WH...

so_lost posted 2/25/2014 13:07 PM

You and your spouse sound a lot like me and my spouse. My FWH is truly remorseful and forever grateful I gave him another chance. He knows how very lucky he is to have me as his wife and yet, like you, he realizes the consequences of an affair are far reaching and forever. He may never get 100% of my heart again.

After reading SI for years, going to therapy, and getting on an anti-depressant, I feel I've finally had my a-ha moment. It's taken 8 years but I'm finally starting to feel grounded and more at peace.

I've finally realized we're in this together. His burden is my burden and vice versa. We're both hurting because of the affair. It's not just about me anymore. It's about him. And it's about us.

I hope in time your spouse will come to some of these same conclusions. With your remorse and insight it sounds like you're on the right path. It'll just take him more time I hope. Be patient.

certman posted 2/25/2014 19:39 PM

A perspective from a BH who is 8 years from DDAY. You have to let him know that he is important to you. That he means so much to you. We can't read minds and the memories can just poison a mind.

I never get any reassurance from my wife. It saddens me so that I just have days of regret. It is hard and it may even sound corny but the simple act of saying I love you goes a long way.

IsthereEVERanend posted 2/25/2014 20:46 PM

Cert man, can certainly relate to your post. My fww is BPD type 2 and is just a vestige of her former self because of the cocktail of drugs she must take everyday. We have been in R for nearly 25 years and she does her best, which I sometimes feel is not quite enough or often enough. Spontaneous touching and a hug or I love you does go a long way when PTSD rears its ugly head, which seems to happen way way too often. For better or worse, in my case its all about comittment. I know that, given my age, someday its not going to matter anymore

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