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back in the day...when triggers die

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 stretch13 (original poster member #26894) posted at 11:32 AM on Tuesday, February 25th, 2014

i just wanted to post a quick note of encouragement here after being surprised. i just paid for access to my archives from 09 and 2010. i was afraid to see those first posts. i was afraid they'd find triggers that i thought were gone. i thought i'd have some kind of negative emotion. i only read a handful, but stumbled across some of my better self and my worst self and...

...i felt nothing, except that i felt proud of that girl for dealing with everything i was handed. i felt forgiving toward the scared little girl who came in and ranted her most shameful feelings and resentments.

i felt healed. i feel healed. and i dealt with some pretty serious crap. still do (OC's never go away, co-parenting is annoying, xWH is still an idiot, but not so much of an idiot that i can eliminate him from our lives.) the only grief i still struggle with is that i only got a chance to have one child and my chances are gone now. eh. i'm getting over that too.

check out my profile for a story. i remember Jan 1 of 2010. i sat down and told myself to strap in and just survive the year. that it would suck but at the end, i'd have to be in a different place than i was at that starting moment. that year was long. long like i had needles stuck in my eyes the whole time. long and aching with physical, emotional and spiritual pain. it is part of a couple of what i call the lost years.

but my life is great. no kidding. the best it's ever been. you can get there too.

good luck, all of you

stretch13

[This message edited by stretch13 at 5:41 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac

posts: 3929   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2009   ·   location: east coast
id 6700258
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dindy ( member #38424) posted at 12:19 PM on Tuesday, February 25th, 2014

Thanks for sharing stretch13.

And glad to hear you are healing well.

posts: 459   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2013   ·   location: uk
id 6700285
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MovingUpward ( member #14866) posted at 1:45 PM on Tuesday, February 25th, 2014

You have healed so much in these years. Thank you for reminding everyone how it does it get better.

posts: 54450   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2007
id 6700352
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sparkysable ( member #3703) posted at 6:53 PM on Tuesday, February 25th, 2014

It's definitely the lost years, aren't they? My God, the shit we went through! But here we are!

D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

posts: 5718   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2004   ·   location: NY
id 6700811
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Tiffany98 ( new member #42015) posted at 7:04 PM on Tuesday, February 25th, 2014

Thanks for sharing guys..i can't wait to get where you guys are. I am so lost right now.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Tiff98
id 6700829
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 stretch13 (original poster member #26894) posted at 7:33 PM on Tuesday, February 25th, 2014

(((tiffany98))) i'm sure it seems impossible...but that's why i posted. it seemed that way to me too. stupid time, i wish we didn't "need" it in order to heal...but we do.

on my worst days, i would decide just to survive, and keep my baby alive. at the end, i'd say to myself, "there, time passed." sometimes that's all i had to go on.

you'll get there. in the meantime, keep your expectations of yourself low. this is some kind of crazy-maker.

http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac

posts: 3929   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2009   ·   location: east coast
id 6700872
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 7:48 PM on Tuesday, February 25th, 2014

I'm not years out, just several months from DD and 5 months from him walking out on me. Last week, I looked at some of my beginning posts. I see the change in me. I am stronger, I am more confident that I can deal with his crap. I know I'm going to be ok. I still get weepy at times, still grieving some losses and the injustice of how dirty he did me when I was so good to him.

But, I love hearing from the vets how good it is gonna get, cuz some days I relapse and need a boost!

Thanks stretch13. Post very much appreciated!

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6242   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 6700898
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