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i just wanted to post a quick note of encouragement here after being surprised. i just paid for access to my archives from 09 and 2010. i was afraid to see those first posts. i was afraid they'd find triggers that i thought were gone. i thought i'd have some kind of negative emotion. i only read a handful, but stumbled across some of my better self and my worst self and...

...i felt nothing, except that i felt proud of that girl for dealing with everything i was handed. i felt forgiving toward the scared little girl who came in and ranted her most shameful feelings and resentments.

i felt healed. i feel healed. and i dealt with some pretty serious crap. still do (OC's never go away, co-parenting is annoying, xWH is still an idiot, but not so much of an idiot that i can eliminate him from our lives.) the only grief i still struggle with is that i only got a chance to have one child and my chances are gone now. eh. i'm getting over that too.

check out my profile for a story. i remember Jan 1 of 2010. i sat down and told myself to strap in and just survive the year. that it would suck but at the end, i'd have to be in a different place than i was at that starting moment. that year was long. long like i had needles stuck in my eyes the whole time. long and aching with physical, emotional and spiritual pain. it is part of a couple of what i call the lost years.

but my life is great. no kidding. the best it's ever been. you can get there too.

good luck, all of you
stretch13

[This message edited by stretch13 at 5:41 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Thanks for sharing stretch13.

And glad to hear you are healing well.

You have healed so much in these years. Thank you for reminding everyone how it does it get better.

It's definitely the lost years, aren't they? My God, the shit we went through! But here we are!

Thanks for sharing guys..i can't wait to get where you guys are. I am so lost right now.

(((tiffany98))) i'm sure it seems impossible...but that's why i posted. it seemed that way to me too. stupid time, i wish we didn't "need" it in order to heal...but we do.

on my worst days, i would decide just to survive, and keep my baby alive. at the end, i'd say to myself, "there, time passed." sometimes that's all i had to go on.

you'll get there. in the meantime, keep your expectations of yourself low. this is some kind of crazy-maker.

I'm not years out, just several months from DD and 5 months from him walking out on me. Last week, I looked at some of my beginning posts. I see the change in me. I am stronger, I am more confident that I can deal with his crap. I know I'm going to be ok. I still get weepy at times, still grieving some losses and the injustice of how dirty he did me when I was so good to him.
But, I love hearing from the vets how good it is gonna get, cuz some days I relapse and need a boost!
Thanks stretch13. Post very much appreciated!