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back in the day...when triggers die

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stretch13 posted 2/25/2014 05:32 AM

i just wanted to post a quick note of encouragement here after being surprised. i just paid for access to my archives from 09 and 2010. i was afraid to see those first posts. i was afraid they'd find triggers that i thought were gone. i thought i'd have some kind of negative emotion. i only read a handful, but stumbled across some of my better self and my worst self and...

...i felt nothing, except that i felt proud of that girl for dealing with everything i was handed. i felt forgiving toward the scared little girl who came in and ranted her most shameful feelings and resentments.

i felt healed. i feel healed. and i dealt with some pretty serious crap. still do (OC's never go away, co-parenting is annoying, xWH is still an idiot, but not so much of an idiot that i can eliminate him from our lives.) the only grief i still struggle with is that i only got a chance to have one child and my chances are gone now. eh. i'm getting over that too.

check out my profile for a story. i remember Jan 1 of 2010. i sat down and told myself to strap in and just survive the year. that it would suck but at the end, i'd have to be in a different place than i was at that starting moment. that year was long. long like i had needles stuck in my eyes the whole time. long and aching with physical, emotional and spiritual pain. it is part of a couple of what i call the lost years.

but my life is great. no kidding. the best it's ever been. you can get there too.

good luck, all of you

[This message edited by stretch13 at 5:41 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

dindy posted 2/25/2014 06:19 AM

Thanks for sharing stretch13.

And glad to hear you are healing well.

MovingUpward posted 2/25/2014 07:45 AM

You have healed so much in these years. Thank you for reminding everyone how it does it get better.

sparkysable posted 2/25/2014 12:53 PM

It's definitely the lost years, aren't they? My God, the shit we went through! But here we are!

Tiffany98 posted 2/25/2014 13:04 PM

Thanks for sharing guys..i can't wait to get where you guys are. I am so lost right now.

stretch13 posted 2/25/2014 13:33 PM

(((tiffany98))) i'm sure it seems impossible...but that's why i posted. it seemed that way to me too. stupid time, i wish we didn't "need" it in order to heal...but we do.

on my worst days, i would decide just to survive, and keep my baby alive. at the end, i'd say to myself, "there, time passed." sometimes that's all i had to go on.

you'll get there. in the meantime, keep your expectations of yourself low. this is some kind of crazy-maker.

StillLivin posted 2/25/2014 13:48 PM

I'm not years out, just several months from DD and 5 months from him walking out on me. Last week, I looked at some of my beginning posts. I see the change in me. I am stronger, I am more confident that I can deal with his crap. I know I'm going to be ok. I still get weepy at times, still grieving some losses and the injustice of how dirty he did me when I was so good to him.
But, I love hearing from the vets how good it is gonna get, cuz some days I relapse and need a boost!
Thanks stretch13. Post very much appreciated!

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