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Stalked by the OW..anxiety over upcoming court date

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ShedSomeLight posted 2/25/2014 08:41 AM

So my story is "Fatal Attraction". I was stalked by the OW, so that is how I found out about the A. Her identity was revealed to me by law enforcement and he confessed. My DDAY was 7/31/13. She stalked me by making hundreds of blocked ID calls to my cell phone, she sat in front of our house, she sent me emails to my work email address and also sent me a package in the mail. She started stalking me on FACEBOOK. I am a professional Recruiter, so I use my Facebook page to attract Candidates and often posted my job openings. Their A was a lunch time "shack-up" in a hotel or lunch time meetings at her house. The OW is also married. My husband had no idea she was stalking me. The stalking really got severe right after my husband bought me a DOG for my Birthday in May. He was also trying to pull away from her and the OW was not happy about it. We have been in therapy together since July... and things are going well, but I have a court day coming up on 3/27. I have an attorney, which is usually not the case as a crime victim, but my husband felt it would be easier for me to have an attorney to help me through the process. The OW has 4 felony convictions, Stalking charge as well as a harassment charge. It has been a long ..dragged out process in court. She is also spamming my work email address right now, but I have no way to prove it. Over the weekend, I got two blocked ID calls which has not happened in a long time and I am on the fence as to whether I should contact the police again. I am not required to go to these court dates and so far I only attended the first one with my attorney. That was the first time I saw her in person. She is not attractive at all. I was in shock when I saw her in person. My Attorney kept telling me to stop staring her down, but I could not help myself. She only looked at me once and then put her head down. Lately I have been having dreams that I harm her physically....bizarre dreams that I am like a super hero.. martial artist !!! It is crazy. I am having a lot of anxiety over this upcoming court date. Part of me wants to be I can intimidate her ! The other part of me does not want to face her again. I am not sure what to do. This is the Pre-trial. I feel strong right now. I have been taking "boxing" and kick boxing lessons. It has been very powerful internally for me. When I punch the bag...I imagine it is her head !!!! I have so much anger and hate for her and I think there is a part of me that feels worried I will have a outburst in court. At the first court date when she pleaded "not guilty", I wanted to run up to her and smack her in the face. Good thing they had a sheriff sitting with me. My attorney was up at the front of the court room with her and her Attorney with the Judge. As a crime victim in my State, the victim has to be seated in the back of the court room with a Sheriff. My husband has offered to go with me to all court dates, but I feel this is between her and I. He is horrified that she did this to me. My Attorney explained to me that she had no choice, but to plea "not guilty" or she would do jail time. I feel that my story is unique as I have not read about anyone else on here who has been stalked by the OW, however, I wonder if there is anyone else out there who has experienced the same thing. On DDay, I left for a week and I was not sure I was going to try and work things out. It has been a long 7 months... a lot of tears.. and lot of understanding, therapy... conversations... In some ways... the OW has brought us together as a stronger couple. I am the type that had to have every dirty detail. The OW tried desperately to break us apart, but it is ironic how in so many ways the A has made us stronger as people and stronger as a couple. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. He has done every possible thing to help me in my process to heal. I don't cry a lot anymore...I just feel VERY angry lately. How do I get past the anger ?? If you were me, would you go to each court date ??? I appreciate all replies...this site had given me so much strength. Thank you all !!!

Me: 52
Him: 49
DD 7/31/13
No children

strongerdaybyday posted 2/25/2014 08:54 AM

The OW tried desperately to break us apart

The OW with my H tried desperately to break us up. She was pathetic.

It hasn't gone as far as yours has ((HUGS)). I personally would go to each court date (to see how it's progressing) but, I get your apprehension. If you're uncomfortable, don't go unless you HAVE to. For me, it was easier to get past the anger once I realized who OW was and that she was the one trying to initiate contact. My H blocked her at every turn. Although we're separated (trust issues obviously) there's hope for R.

Good luck hun. This sitch sucks. Why can't wayward spouses keep their pants up? Well -- I guess if they could they would be wayward spouses -- just spouses.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 8:55 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

momxgbg posted 2/25/2014 08:55 AM

Although my situation was a little different from yours, I was harrassed/stalked by the OW. After my WS cut off the A (permanently the 2nd time) she began to email me, send me letters, contact me on facebook, call me, etc... Usually it was to let me know how much my WS hated me and that he only felt sorry for me. If it wasn't for our kids he wouldn't still be with me, He loved her, not me, she had all the wonderful moments with him and I had none, etc...

At first, these hurt, so bad. Then they became annoying and when our DS was diagnosed with cancer...they began to piss me off. I had no time for her shit. I finally stood up to her and it felt so good, additionally (for me at least)everything stopped. So although it took me awhile to find that inner core of strength...I am happy that I finally stood up to her. Granted I did not have to see her (she lives in another state) but it was over the phone..and she has not called me, or contacted me in anyway. Once I treated her as any other annoying disturbence, not as THE "OW"...I became me again.

So, if I was in your place, my answer would depend on one thing....If I was being stalked by someone else, someone with no emotional attachment to me...would I go to that court case?

ShedSomeLight posted 2/25/2014 09:23 AM

thank you for the responses.

TO momxgbg: I am so sorry for your loss that is recent. I can't imagine your pain. It brought tears to my eyes... The OW wrote me terrible emails after her identity was revealed by law enforcement. She said that my husband said terrible things about me, she called me desperate, she said that he treated me worse than our Dog... all of these were sent to my work email address, I was instructed by Law enforcement not to answer any of them. Then she sent me a package in the mail which included some bizarre items: (4 of my husbands ties, a silver bracelet that was tarnished that was obvious silver plated, a concert tee shirt (it was a tee shirt from a concert we attended and copies of emails between the two of them that were sexual in nature). It was a long term sexual affair.. he never told her he loved her as that would of been thrown in my face. Even after she was told by law enforcement to stop contacting me she continued in a rampage. It has made our process of working on our relationship VERY difficult. I almost left several times.

TO strongerdaybyday: thank you for the hugs and comments.

Getting to Happy posted 2/25/2014 11:17 AM

Dear SSLight,

I think if you can stomach it, that you should go to court. You will be the righteous victor, you will prevail.

IMHO your WH should go too. Show the court that you are a strong couple, show a united front.

Have him come to support and protect you. And he should only have eyes for you.

I know it will be uncomfortable. But each time you see her with your WH in tow you will gain strength and she will continue to wither.

It might also be great for your WH to see his FAP in a court of law being prosecuted for what she really is...a pathetic bunny boiler. Consider it penance.

(((((momxgbg and her DS angel)))))

meplusfour posted 2/25/2014 11:33 AM

Before you make any decisions, have your attorney check with the prosecutor (ADA/state's attorney) whether they want you and/or your husband present during the court date. Are you going to be called as a witness? If so, you may not be permitted to attend. If your goal to have the OW convicted, it will likely help having you present in the court room. It is incredibly powerful to have a victim present in the courtroom to watch the proceedings. In Canada, the Crown Prosecutor occasionally draws the judge's attention to the victim of the offense prior to sentencing. It may or may not help having your fWH present, as he was part of the A. You/He may not want attention drawn to his role in this matter. If your H wishes to support you through this, perhaps have him drive you to the courthouse, wait outside the courtroom and meet you afterwards. Just have your attorney check with the prosecutor first.

Sending you grace, dignity and strength.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 11:35 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

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