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ShatteredPagan posted 2/25/2014 08:44 AM

Two years ago today, my life laid shattered all around me.  I was fighting for my sobriety.  Mourning the loss of my father the year before (2/23).  And trying to come to turns that my significant other had left me for another woman and was consumating that relationship today.
I stood in the middle of my bedroom, devastated, bawling. I was packing up my fathers belongings that taken over my room when i was trying to clear it out on Ebay.  His stuff was in boxes stacked everywhere there was free space.  I had only left a path to areas of importance like to the closet, bed, and bathroom.  I hadnt sold anything in months as my alcoholism took its complete and total control over my life.  I had to clean it up, box it up, and store it all away.  I had to let my father go and i had to do it that weekend because i had to find and pack all of xSO's stuff to give back the following weekend.  I had to say goodbye to him as well since i knew the entire time i was cleaning up, he was giving his love for me to another woman.  He was cooking for her, holding her, caressing her... making love to her.  They were basking in each other as I stood in that room destroyed.
I was still in shock.  I had only found out about the other woman the weekend before, when I was out of town to scatter my father's ashes in the ocean.  Until then, i had no clue she was involved in my relationship's demise.  I had fully accepted all responsiblity for our problems because of my alcoholism.  I believed i was as big of a monster as he protrayed me to be and that i was all my fault.  (I still fight those feelings today.)  And this was the day that he drove it in that he no longer loved me.  I had been discarded as damaged goods and replaced before I even knew I had been tossed out.  
I knew his plans with her.  I knew she was sneaking away from her "alcoholic abusive" husband to spend the day with him.  I knew when she would arrive and how he was meeting her to lead her out to his place and how it was going to be an early evening because she had to get back to her family before being missed.  I knew he was planning on cooking with her (something he didnt do with me) and then making sweet love with her until she had to leave.  I knew the plans.  I had begged him not to.  I had begged him to slow down and let me catch up from being his girlfriend one weekend to him planning such a romantic time with another woman the next.  But he was done.  He made his choice.  All i had left were my tears and packing away the pain that overwhelmed that room.
Only someone who has been in a similar situation can understand the deepth of pain that day and how deeply it scarred my soul.  I was rejected, abandonned, and so completely alone and to top it off, i was convinenced it was all my fault.
Today is better.  SO is now fWS and we are going great on the road to reconcilliation.  But it doesnt matter how healed I am or how much remorse and love he shows me, it wont erase the pain of knowing I had lost it all that day while he blamed me from the comforts of another woman's arms.

norabird posted 2/25/2014 08:50 AM

((((hugs))))

Sorry it's a hard day. You've made so much progress but that doesn't mean you can't still have rough moments. Here's to a better day tomorrow though.

Hannah25 posted 2/25/2014 09:35 AM

Your post gave me chills. SO many of us have been there and know what you're feeling. I'm glad to hear that things are better for you.

Getting to Happy posted 2/25/2014 10:43 AM

(((((ShatteredPagan)))))

meplusfour posted 2/25/2014 11:00 AM

((Shattered Pagan))

Sending you healing thoughts.