My husband was a teacher at HS & had consensual relationship with 17 1/2 year old senior at the school. Lasted less than 2 weeks and never had sex, but my DD was the day my husband told me he just got caught with her by police. That was X yrs ago; he went to prison for couple years and now we are couple years into trying to restart out lives together. Affair, even if no sex, is hard enough...younger person is harder yet.. But consequences i have to endure because of legal/media aspects and financial fallout is overwhelming at times. Having to deal with something so private in the public eye only compounds things- many layers to this hurt.
We/ I have ALOT of support from family, friends, community; but have yet to come across anyone who can identify with us in this. I chose to reconcile; he ALSO chose to reconcile. He is remorseful and takes complete responsibility for his actions. He knows as teacher it was his responsibility to stop it from ever happening, and he didn't. He accepts the consequences. But for me, I'm struggling. We both are committed to taking the right steps in our M and R, but I feel like I am suffering exponentially.
Reaching out to see if anyone else can relate??
[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 1:44 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]
I think I must be in OZ
I didnt know there were places that had curfews??!!??
Our city had them too for kids of certain ages. It also was related to labor laws I believe. We had to be careful as teenagers to not get busted by being out too late before we were 18.
I'm glad your husband knows what he did was inappropriate. I also will not put him in the category with violent rapists and molesters who seek little children or GHB women in bars.
I'm sorry you find yourself in such a place. Remember none of this is your fault.
I'm very sorry that something like this happened to you and then you have the added A effect. I can't even imagine.
Why would he have gone to prison for a couple of years if they didn't have sex?
Because reality sucks. I'm not sugar-coating or minimizing it. Truth is they didn't have sex- believe me I made sure that was case. Read police reports & personally spoke w detective & that girl's boyfriend at time... All stories consistent. I questioned him very hard about everything. I wanted to know absolutely everything/ every aspect/ every detail. I wasn't gonna be in dark about it. They literally did just enough to cross that line into 'breaking law' & having consequences that it had. (Obviously ANY relationship/ behavior was inappropriate and unacceptable regardless of laws! No excuses!) In fact, laws recently had changed then & what happened wouldn't have had same charge etc had it been before those changes. AND had it been any other man other than a teacher, it wouldn't have been anywhere near those charges, if charges at all... I've learned a lot about the nature of these laws and resulting consequences thru this- there's a lot we really don't know and assume we know until we have to deal with it ourselves. And what they say on news- can be so far from truth- but how can we fight it? They can say 'teacher-sex scandal' all over papers & news cause it sells- doesn't matter if it isn't at all true what they presume it to be. :((
All who know us/ situation think it was wrong what he did- absolutely! But they also believe the consequences are overboard for what really happened.
It's exceptionally hard for me because I don't want to make excuses for him - it is what it is. But it is NOT what anybody and everybody can assume it is!! :( but we live with reality that the nature of this whole thing opens up the possibility to much speculation and assumptions. And nothing we say or do will never really change that. :( It's a very heavy layer of hurt for me. If you knew me (&us) IRL, you would have no doubt that what I say is true. We are as real as it gets. But this thing is known by more people than we will ever know IRL, so it's beyond us.
Stillstings, THANK YOU that you cared enough to tell me you don't put him in that category. Tears atm... :)
Yearsofpain25, thank you for sharing. Social media/ internet is AWFUL!!! It makes living with this a never ending fear... At any time, anybody can bring it back up & say anything they want & we are left to deal with consequences of it. :(
[This message edited by itstoomuch at 3:47 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]
There have always been curfews for minors. It's 10 o’clock here and I think 11 o’clock on weekends.
Same in my city and all cities surrounding for children under 18 years of age.
So sorry for what you are going through.
Could you move to get away from it?
So much of what I read on this site is so relevant and so helpful. See so many recurring patterns of WS behaviors, cycles in R, BS thoughts/struggles etc... I can very much identify and relate! I am a BS just like all of us, but I have to deal with a lot of things on top of A that only exist because of A. It's a unique twist to living with betrayal.
I can also tell you, when I would attend S-Anon meetings (12 step support group for spouses of sex addicts) I have met several women that were married to men that committed crimes - indecency with minors, child pornography, peeping tom stuff. Them finding others in situations like them IRL was a lifesaver. Have you asked your IC about this? Are there support groups, group therapy, online forums, etc that address this specifically that you have tried? I know I have seen others post on SI about their WS involvement with underage girls (varying degrees of inappropriateness), but they are few and far between.
I can relate somewhat. My dday was a very public one though it didn't involve the media. WS was caught in a prostitution sting 6 months before dday (unbeknownst to me) and a disgruntled employee of his stumbled upon the arrest report and mailed FYI copies to everyone we knew. My ex-husband got one, my former-inlaws, customers, friends, employees - it might as well have been in the paper.
We were both heavily involved in community groups and social clubs when these FYI's went out. He was kicked off of 2 boards and I left a couple organizations voluntarily. The shame I felt was unbelievable. Shame, guilt, anger, humiliation. Oh, God, the humiliation was unbearable.
It has been years since dday 1 and most of the humiliation is gone now but I remember wishing I could leave town. I hated going out in public and remember dodging through the grocery store to avoid people I knew. I felt like ws was the only person I could lean on because he was going through the same thing. It was odd. I almost felt like leaving him wasn't an option because I would have to face the public shame alone. I felt like everyone was looking at me and snickering (I'm sure that wasn't the case but you couldn't convince me of that then.)
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could offer some wisdom other than "time will heal". Time will heal a lot, maybe not all. Having a remorseful, willing ws will be key for you. One thing I do know is that if you both have the attitude that this "thing" happened - is happening - to both of you and you can face the fallout together, your M has a great chance.
I got him a lawyer, even before I knew the charges. STBXH was released pending further investigation. Per lawyer's recommendation, STBXH had a full forensic psychiatric evaluation and started therapy with one of the sex-offender therapists that the courts usually send people to. He's been diagnosed as a Sex Addict, but NOT with any pedophilic tendencies. About six months later he was finally arrested regarding this and charged with Attempted Solicitation of a Minor, Attempted Grooming of a Minor, and Attempted Traveling to Meet a Minor for Sex. Less than a week later all the charges were dropped. But the DA can refile if they chose to.
If that were all there was to the story, I may very well have attempted R. STBXH definitely wanted to, and he has been religious about his therapy and treatments. He has no choice, he's still in legal limbo.
However, about a week after D-Day, I finally went snooping on his computer. Found naked pictures of himself he had sent to online OWs, and the pictures they sent to him. One of them I knew. Her husband was a co-worker of his. This led to more digging and discovering that in addition to random CL hook ups, STBXH had been having sex with my best friend since childhood for over a year. That was an absolute deal breaker for me, which is why he's my STBXH.
Honestly, the double betrayal bugs me more than the underage solicitation. Granted, my DD assures me nothing like that ever happened between her and her Dad, otherwise he'd be dead and I'd be in prison. But there are enough similarities and I can relate to the legal nightmare. I completely understand how your fWH could go to prison without having had sex with her.
I highly recommend finding an S-Anon support group near you. It was a lifesaver for me, even though I chose not to stay with STBXH. This group focuses on the BS and their own healing.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
The shame I felt was unbelievable. Shame, guilt, anger, humiliation. Oh, God, the humiliation was unbearable.
No specific help groups for my situation that I know of. :(( sure wish I could find them if they do exist! I (or ANYONE else who knows him) wouldn't describe H as a sex addict or creeper... Just a man, who happened to be a teacher, who fell big time by not responding like the man, husband, father, teacher he should have and had an A with someone he got too close to; but had every responsibility to STOP it before it even started!
Thank you for sharing your story and advice.
Honestly, the double betrayal bugs me more than the underage solicitation....But there are enough similarities and I can relate to the legal nightmare. I completely understand how your fWH could go to prison without having had sex with her.
Thanks for understanding. And I agree betrayal is worse than underage part- that's just ANOTHER hurt on top if it.
[This message edited by itstoomuch at 5:21 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]