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Support for BS: when affair by fWS also breaks a law

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itstoomuch posted 2/25/2014 10:41 AM

Taking a risk by asking is there anybody out here whose spouse committed a crime by having his/her affair?

My husband was a teacher at HS & had consensual relationship with 17 1/2 year old senior at the school. Lasted less than 2 weeks and never had sex, but my DD was the day my husband told me he just got caught with her by police. That was X yrs ago; he went to prison for couple years and now we are couple years into trying to restart out lives together. Affair, even if no sex, is hard enough...younger person is harder yet.. But consequences i have to endure because of legal/media aspects and financial fallout is overwhelming at times. Having to deal with something so private in the public eye only compounds things- many layers to this hurt.

We/ I have ALOT of support from family, friends, community; but have yet to come across anyone who can identify with us in this. I chose to reconcile; he ALSO chose to reconcile. He is remorseful and takes complete responsibility for his actions. He knows as teacher it was his responsibility to stop it from ever happening, and he didn't. He accepts the consequences. But for me, I'm struggling. We both are committed to taking the right steps in our M and R, but I feel like I am suffering exponentially.

Reaching out to see if anyone else can relate??

sparkysable posted 2/25/2014 12:42 PM

Why would he have gone to prison for a couple of years if they didn't have sex?

steadfast1973 posted 2/25/2014 13:43 PM

contributing to the delinquency of a minor... you don't have to have sex to get that charge. texts, emails, getting caught out with them after curfew... all of that is illegal...

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 1:44 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

BelleStar posted 2/25/2014 13:48 PM

I didnt know there were places that had curfews??!!??

I think I must be in OZ

Stillstings posted 2/25/2014 13:58 PM

I didnt know there were places that had curfews??!!??

Our city had them too for kids of certain ages. It also was related to labor laws I believe. We had to be careful as teenagers to not get busted by being out too late before we were 18.

I'm glad your husband knows what he did was inappropriate. I also will not put him in the category with violent rapists and molesters who seek little children or GHB women in bars.

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a place. Remember none of this is your fault.

Ostrich80 posted 2/25/2014 14:03 PM

Curfews are almost everywhere but only enforced when someone feels a need to use it.
Itstoo...I haven't experienced what you have but wanted to say welcome. Everytime I hear about a sich like yours, my mind always goes to the family of the accused...must be extremely difficult

cissi posted 2/25/2014 14:34 PM

There have always been curfews for minors. It's 10 o’clock here and I think 11 o’clock on weekends.

yearsofpain25 posted 2/25/2014 14:52 PM

Hi itstoomuch. The only piece I can relate to in your story here is how f'n relentless the media can be. I know what that's like and I'm sorry you had to go through that. When a loved one is "unavailable" the spotlight and pressure falls to you. My brother committed suicide in 1994 and it was very controversial. I don't want to give away the details but it had to do with a member of the administration of his high school as well as another family that was involved. It was all over the local news and then it went national. Thank god there was no social media back then. We did have Dateline and 20/20 as well as all of the news outlets calling the house non stop, camera crews on the front lawn, couldn't leave the house, all of that. It was awful. My brother was the victim and seeing the other child's parents who were involved on the news was heartbreaking. Even though they wanted to talk to us to get their side of the story out we couldn't talk to them as we were in pieces. They called the media and the rest was history. Seeing the administrator being questioned was even worse. He was promptly removed but not a crime so no arrest. It lasted a few weeks but we weren't talking and it eventually went away. What a nightmare that was.

I'm very sorry that something like this happened to you and then you have the added A effect. I can't even imagine.

itstoomuch posted 2/25/2014 15:45 PM

Why would he have gone to prison for a couple of years if they didn't have sex?

Because reality sucks. I'm not sugar-coating or minimizing it. Truth is they didn't have sex- believe me I made sure that was case. Read police reports & personally spoke w detective & that girl's boyfriend at time... All stories consistent. I questioned him very hard about everything. I wanted to know absolutely everything/ every aspect/ every detail. I wasn't gonna be in dark about it. They literally did just enough to cross that line into 'breaking law' & having consequences that it had. (Obviously ANY relationship/ behavior was inappropriate and unacceptable regardless of laws! No excuses!) In fact, laws recently had changed then & what happened wouldn't have had same charge etc had it been before those changes. AND had it been any other man other than a teacher, it wouldn't have been anywhere near those charges, if charges at all... I've learned a lot about the nature of these laws and resulting consequences thru this- there's a lot we really don't know and assume we know until we have to deal with it ourselves. And what they say on news- can be so far from truth- but how can we fight it? They can say 'teacher-sex scandal' all over papers & news cause it sells- doesn't matter if it isn't at all true what they presume it to be. :((

All who know us/ situation think it was wrong what he did- absolutely! But they also believe the consequences are overboard for what really happened.

It's exceptionally hard for me because I don't want to make excuses for him - it is what it is. But it is NOT what anybody and everybody can assume it is!! :( but we live with reality that the nature of this whole thing opens up the possibility to much speculation and assumptions. And nothing we say or do will never really change that. :( It's a very heavy layer of hurt for me. If you knew me (&us) IRL, you would have no doubt that what I say is true. We are as real as it gets. But this thing is known by more people than we will ever know IRL, so it's beyond us.

Stillstings, THANK YOU that you cared enough to tell me you don't put him in that category. Tears atm... :)

Yearsofpain25, thank you for sharing. Social media/ internet is AWFUL!!! It makes living with this a never ending fear... At any time, anybody can bring it back up & say anything they want & we are left to deal with consequences of it. :(

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 3:47 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Chicky posted 2/25/2014 15:49 PM

There have always been curfews for minors. It's 10 o’clock here and I think 11 o’clock on weekends.

Same in my city and all cities surrounding for children under 18 years of age.

So sorry for what you are going through.

itstoomuch posted 2/25/2014 16:19 PM

Ostrich80, thank you. I think about other wives/ families when I see news too. Never know if they reconcile... Was hoping maybe just one of them was on this site so we could be of some comfort to one another... I know there has to be more than just me....

painfulpast posted 2/25/2014 16:27 PM

What was he charged with? It seems odd that after 2 years the media would still care if it wasn't a statutory rape case. Inappropriate conversations aren't gossipy enough years later.

Could you move to get away from it?

painfulpast posted 2/25/2014 16:28 PM

Also, if it was less than 2 weeks, was the girl setting him up? That seems like a very short period of time, almost like she did this to cause a stir.

itstoomuch posted 2/25/2014 20:22 PM

I posted not to hash out legal details of my H's crime or defend him or even myself. I only posted what I have as an effort to explain where we are already at and dealing with. I posted because I am a BS struggling thru R in my marriage in spite of my circumstance. I stumbled upon this site and already have been encouraged by many, but I was hoping to find someone who could relate to me in a similar situation.

So much of what I read on this site is so relevant and so helpful. See so many recurring patterns of WS behaviors, cycles in R, BS thoughts/struggles etc... I can very much identify and relate! I am a BS just like all of us, but I have to deal with a lot of things on top of A that only exist because of A. It's a unique twist to living with betrayal.

hathnofury posted 2/25/2014 20:44 PM

I can sort of relate, in that my WH's infidelity was illegal (with hookers) but he was never arrested or publicly exposed. It's taken a long time for me to accept the shame from his actions are not mine to bear. Lots and lots of IC to get that through my skull, tho. I am so sorry you are going through this, infidelity in and of itself is hard enough.

I can also tell you, when I would attend S-Anon meetings (12 step support group for spouses of sex addicts) I have met several women that were married to men that committed crimes - indecency with minors, child pornography, peeping tom stuff. Them finding others in situations like them IRL was a lifesaver. Have you asked your IC about this? Are there support groups, group therapy, online forums, etc that address this specifically that you have tried? I know I have seen others post on SI about their WS involvement with underage girls (varying degrees of inappropriateness), but they are few and far between.

hardtimesinlife posted 2/25/2014 20:48 PM

Welcome to SI, Itstoomuch.

I can relate somewhat. My dday was a very public one though it didn't involve the media. WS was caught in a prostitution sting 6 months before dday (unbeknownst to me) and a disgruntled employee of his stumbled upon the arrest report and mailed FYI copies to everyone we knew. My ex-husband got one, my former-inlaws, customers, friends, employees - it might as well have been in the paper.

We were both heavily involved in community groups and social clubs when these FYI's went out. He was kicked off of 2 boards and I left a couple organizations voluntarily. The shame I felt was unbelievable. Shame, guilt, anger, humiliation. Oh, God, the humiliation was unbearable.

It has been years since dday 1 and most of the humiliation is gone now but I remember wishing I could leave town. I hated going out in public and remember dodging through the grocery store to avoid people I knew. I felt like ws was the only person I could lean on because he was going through the same thing. It was odd. I almost felt like leaving him wasn't an option because I would have to face the public shame alone. I felt like everyone was looking at me and snickering (I'm sure that wasn't the case but you couldn't convince me of that then.)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could offer some wisdom other than "time will heal". Time will heal a lot, maybe not all. Having a remorseful, willing ws will be key for you. One thing I do know is that if you both have the attitude that this "thing" happened - is happening - to both of you and you can face the fallout together, your M has a great chance.

Gemini71 posted 2/25/2014 21:22 PM

Hello Itstoomuch. I can relate. My D-Day was when I got a phone call from local police saying they had my STBXH for questioning regarding multiple felonies. They wouldn't talk to me about the charges over the phone. Turns out STBXH was posting ads for sex on Craig's List and one of the respondents was a minor. The emails show that she said she was a 15. He says he didn't believe her. The cops where there to meet him when he went to go meet her. Turns out is really was a 15 year old. Our DD was 16 at the time. I had no clue that he was cheating at all.

I got him a lawyer, even before I knew the charges. STBXH was released pending further investigation. Per lawyer's recommendation, STBXH had a full forensic psychiatric evaluation and started therapy with one of the sex-offender therapists that the courts usually send people to. He's been diagnosed as a Sex Addict, but NOT with any pedophilic tendencies. About six months later he was finally arrested regarding this and charged with Attempted Solicitation of a Minor, Attempted Grooming of a Minor, and Attempted Traveling to Meet a Minor for Sex. Less than a week later all the charges were dropped. But the DA can refile if they chose to.

If that were all there was to the story, I may very well have attempted R. STBXH definitely wanted to, and he has been religious about his therapy and treatments. He has no choice, he's still in legal limbo.

However, about a week after D-Day, I finally went snooping on his computer. Found naked pictures of himself he had sent to online OWs, and the pictures they sent to him. One of them I knew. Her husband was a co-worker of his. This led to more digging and discovering that in addition to random CL hook ups, STBXH had been having sex with my best friend since childhood for over a year. That was an absolute deal breaker for me, which is why he's my STBXH.

Honestly, the double betrayal bugs me more than the underage solicitation. Granted, my DD assures me nothing like that ever happened between her and her Dad, otherwise he'd be dead and I'd be in prison. But there are enough similarities and I can relate to the legal nightmare. I completely understand how your fWH could go to prison without having had sex with her.

I highly recommend finding an S-Anon support group near you. It was a lifesaver for me, even though I chose not to stay with STBXH. This group focuses on the BS and their own healing.

itstoomuch posted 2/25/2014 22:10 PM

thank you for words of encouragement.

The shame I felt was unbelievable. Shame, guilt, anger, humiliation. Oh, God, the humiliation was unbearable.

Sounds like you have felt what I have and am experiencing... THANK YOU, THANK YOU for sharing your story with me! You encouraged me more than you know...

No specific help groups for my situation that I know of. :(( sure wish I could find them if they do exist! I (or ANYONE else who knows him) wouldn't describe H as a sex addict or creeper... Just a man, who happened to be a teacher, who fell big time by not responding like the man, husband, father, teacher he should have and had an A with someone he got too close to; but had every responsibility to STOP it before it even started!

Thank you for sharing your story and advice.

Honestly, the double betrayal bugs me more than the underage solicitation....But there are enough similarities and I can relate to the legal nightmare. I completely understand how your fWH could go to prison without having had sex with her.

Thanks for understanding. And I agree betrayal is worse than underage part- that's just ANOTHER hurt on top if it.

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 5:21 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

millienotboo posted 2/25/2014 22:25 PM

It's....I think that someone above had mentioned that they had gone to s-anon meetings. Tho it doesn't seem that your husband is a sex addict I do believe that you could benefit from these meetings. As was mentioned, it can be a life saver to meet and share with people who have been exactly where you are. Maybe google it?
As for being a bs....we can help you with the recovery part. All of us have faced a lot of what you faced and are certainly feeling the same betrayal .
So sorry you find yourself here.

itstoomuch posted 2/26/2014 05:25 AM

I was going to look into it... Heard of al-anon, but never s-anon. Will see what I find out... Thank you to all those that have mentioned it.

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