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Beyondme posted 2/25/2014 11:24 AM

I found out a little over a month ago and my life is spinning out of control. He told me he wasn't in love with me then i find out its with a chinese girl at his work. He said he wanted to try then 2 days later left then came back and had a break down and said it was me he wanted that lasted a week. He went fishing for 2 days and came home went up to spare room and said he not want to lead me on. He wants to live here until our daughter graduates next year. The OW is now gone back to China and i saw a text to my husband saying she will not return and email and phone are dissconected. I am partley to blame for that because i had contact with her. Now i am left looking at a man everyday that doesnt think he loves me. We have been together for 24 years and i still love him, he is my best friend and this was all a surprise to me. We have had sex with me getting it started so i can just feel him again but i know i am doing more damage to myself. I have lost 22 pounds and feel so paralysed in my house. My life has always been around him i am a stay at home mom for the last 16 years. I want to be strong but i am so lost and feeling so desperate that i just want to run away from him and my daughter.

kansas1968 posted 2/25/2014 11:45 AM

You are in the right place. Everyone here knows what kind of pain and fear that you are suffering. Please take time to read articles in the healing library and keep posting. Here is where you will get support, love, and advice.

No one ever believes it could happen to them and then it does. It is one of the most devastating blows that life can deliver and the pain is really indescribable.

If you want your husband back you will have to be stronger than you have ever been in your life. You will need to make him believe that you are done and are considering and moving towards divorce. See and attorney and make sure he knows you did. Since he lives there, you could leave the attorney's card laying somewhere where he will see it. Seeing an attorney and getting your financial options clear in your mind can be very calming and can put some of the power back in your court.

Your husband is still in the fog and the stark reality of losing you and his family is the only way to snap him out of it. I know you will feel like it is a huge gamble but if he really does not love you, then you are better off without him. If he does, then the 180 will work and then you can work on your marriage.

So, so, sorry you are going through this, but at least as long as you are posting here, you don't have to go through it alone. If you have a friend that you really trust, you might want to tell them so you will have someone to talk to.

Be careful who you tell though. People that care about you can oftem make reconcilliation diffictul if that is the path that you choose.


Beyondme posted 2/25/2014 11:57 AM

Thank-you so much for reading my post. His affair was emotional and no sex involved. He said he has never felt that way before. I told him its like a drug and i think that is what is happening now he is having withdrawl. He seems so angry and won't let me in. I want to fight but my emotions are going crazy. I just don't know what to do with myself it's winter here and really can't get out of the house that much. I am scared about the lawyer in case it backfires on me i don't want to push him any further but i also don't want to live like this it is not healthy for my daughter and i.She just hides in her room and says she doesn't care.

hard_yards posted 2/25/2014 12:00 PM

Hi Honey, I'm so very sorry you find yourself here, but it's the best place to be under the circumstances.

Yes, it's a devastating journey you're now on, one that you didn't choose, didn't get consulted on, didn't expect in a million years, but here you are.

I'm so sorry you had to hear those words from your WS, they become etched into your brain, very hard to push them away, for some of us they never leave.

I encourage you to read, read, read, knowledge is power, strength is attractive. There's a wealth of information in the Healing Library, (top left hand corner of the page), and read as many of others posts as you can. There are some great ones, usually to be found in the first few pages of JFO as us oldies keep bumping them forward for the newly betrayed (many have a red dot).

There's almost always someone else dealing with the same of a very similar situation. Affairs, WS, and OW/OM generally all have a depressing sameness, same damaging words, same lame excuses, same messed up logic...

Just remember that none of this is your fault, there's nothing you did or didn't do that lead you here, it's all on your WS, 100%. If he was experiencing any issues in life (hell, who isn't!!) there are many things he could have done rather than the most destructive of all, an A.

Take time to think about what you would like going forward, and there's no big hurry. First you need to exercise some self care, make sure you're eating, sleeping and staying hydrated, I'd caution against alcohol, it just doesn't really help. Many of us experience a knee-jerk reaction initially, thinking we have to do the hard work to win the WS back, but this is simply not the case. What happens going forward is up to you, remember that. For many of us, an A is a total deal-breaker, and there's nothing wrong with that, someone else's broken moral compass doesn't have to be a life sentence for the betrayed.

In any case, IC for you is pretty much essential, you need some professional and unbiased support to work through your thoughts and plans. He also needs IC to work out how the hell he let this happen.... and he did let this happen.... it never "just happens"... they never "don't go looking for it"... you were in the same marriage, you didn't cheat. MC would be for some time in the future, should you decide to offer him a chance at reconciliation.

Please, I know this is painful, if you haven't already done it, get yourself along to your DR and have a complete panel of STD tests done, including HIV and Hepatitis C, you will be treated with care and respect, this is not of your doing, you're just dealing with the collateral damage. Do not, for one minute, believe him if he says you don't need to, that they used protection. First off, condoms really only prevent pregnancy, (and not too well at that) and STD's can still be transferred even then. Also, WS who cheat and lie, cheat and lie.... so believe little of what he says at this stage, especially as he's still in the FOG.

There's a post, by Katherine41, 20/20 Hindsight - What I should have Done When I JFO, I'll find it and bump it for you, look for it on this page. Invaluable help for those whose WS is flapping about like a fish on the sand, please don't fall into the "pick me, pick me" trap, it's soul destroying. Your WS should be on his knees, a dribbling, snotty mess offering anything for you to even give R a thought.... Please don't let yourself be damaged further by taking any part in his you/her mess, you deserve better than that, you're his wife.

Hugs honey, I know these are dark days, the best thing I can tell you is that it will get better, you will feel better than you do right now, but it does take time, and some tough decisions. Keep posting, it really does help.

ETD: just read your update, YES... go to a lawyer, don't be afraid, he's probably more concerned about this getting out in the real world than anything else, and please... still get checked for std's... cheaters lie, and lie and lie, minimize and deflect.... please expect the worst and hope for the best, protect yourself.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 12:03 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

SoVerySadNow posted 2/25/2014 13:10 PM

No one ever believes it could happen to them and then it does. It is one of the most devastating blows that life can deliver and the pain is really indescribable.

Absolutely true.
I'm sorry you are hurting.

norabird posted 2/25/2014 13:48 PM

I'm sorry honey.

If he's angry, he's not remorseful; you can't try to be with an unremorseful spouse.

I am also highly suspicious about the claim it was only emotional. Prepare to learn it was much worse and more in depth than you are being told.

Take care of yourself. I know you're scared but you can't be afraid to lose your marriage. Sometimes you have to risk walking away in order to save it.

And what's really worth saving right now is your happiness and sense of control over your life. You deservs those back.

Beyondme posted 2/25/2014 14:24 PM

Ty all so much for the advice and kind words. When he told me i really surprised myself by not flipping out i stayed quiet. I always thought if it happened to me i would kick his ass out but i didn't. Today has been a day of non stop crying thinking about what our family lost. I have yet to get angry and i am so scared of what i will do. I just came back from doctors and he told me to get strong and get rid of him lol didn't expect that. I now have some medication to help with the anxiety. I just wish i really didn't love him, it would make this so much easier. He really has thrown away the best thing; we golfed together and did pretty much everything and he had a wife that loved sex. He told me she would not have sex with cause he was married oh boy she has some morals lol When i contacted her she said they didn't but like you said they lie. I just don't understand how u can wake up one day and just do that. I hope to god i get the last laugh one day. Now i have to figure out how to get my act together.

BtraydWife posted 2/25/2014 14:42 PM

Can you verify with someone that has no alliance to your husband that he was in fact fishing for 2 days. I don't believe the no sex claim either.

You really need that STD testing done for him and you. No more sex until the results are in.

You know you can not trust him right now. You should especially not trust him with issues regarding your health. Your kids need their mama to be healthy. Get the testing done. Don't sleep with him again until he does it and you get the results directly from the Dr.

Beyondme posted 2/25/2014 16:12 PM

Yes i saw pictures of the fishing trip. With the other women i do believe him, he was getting good sex at home i failed on not giving him his emotional needs some how. I guess i did not make him feel like i loved him or adored him but i thought i was doing that. I would hug him everyday tell him he looks nice listen to him about work.We didn't really have the romance but that does take 2 to tango I will get tested though i didn't see this coming so i might not be seeing everything now. He also said he can't trust me because i went through his phone and computer but he pushed me to that, to be the person i didn't want to be. Right now i just want to know if he wants it to work for us and our family and he gets angry and walks away. Don't worry no sex anymore he has to see what he has lost!

BrooklynLove posted 2/25/2014 16:30 PM

Please expose this affair to the OW's family and to friends and family that support your marriage. Exposure is the only way this affair will stop. Do not believe him on this NO SEX thing, this is him protecting her honor (especially she is probably conservative Chinese) and appeasing your anger so you don't go after her. Very few men throw their marriages away for a woman they have not slept with. Her anger towards him is because she has slept with him and believed his lies. Expose her to her family and block her from you and your husbands social media, phone and email.

BtraydWife posted 2/25/2014 16:38 PM

Cheating doesn't happen because they aren't getting good sex at home. You did nothing to make him cheat. NOTHING And having sex at home means does not mean he didn't have sex with someone else. If he was able to be alone with these sluts then it is likely he had sex with them.

Who provided the pictures of the fishing trip? Can you account for 100% of the time he was away? Remember cheaters have lower standards than honest people do. All he needed was 10 minutes alone with her, if that.

He also said he can't trust me because i went through his phone and computer but he pushed me to that, to be the person i didn't want to be.

He's trying to turn this back around on you. It's called gaslighting. He is the one that can't be trusted. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Do not confuse privacy with secrecy. Stop acting like you did anything wrong. You didn't-he did. He needs to start being accountable to you, not the other way around. And you need to start requiring this from him. In order to move forward you need 100% transparency. That means all passwords and full access to phones, tablets, and computers. No exceptions.

Right now i just want to know if he wants it to work for us and our family and he gets angry and walks away.

He is giving you an answer. You ask and he walks away. His answer is no. What he wants is for you to shut your trap about all this and let him continue cheating on you.

I imagine you want to fight to save the marriage. You can't do that alone and it's not going to happen with his current attitude. Read the 180 in the Healing Library and start doing it.

Stop feeling guilty for requiring him to be faithful and honest. Start getting mad that he expects you to just deal with however he wants to treat you.

Beyondme posted 2/25/2014 18:32 PM

Where is this 180 in the library

RippedSoul posted 2/25/2014 18:42 PM

This is exactly why many posters on SI talk about waiting 6 months to make major decisions regarding R or D. You may decide to do neither of those right now. That's a valid choice. Your WH doesn't know what he's doing/thinking/feeling. He's in the fog and nothing he says is the truth--even if he thinks it is--because he truthfully may not know. He's been living in a fantasy world. You can't really make a decision, either, because your world has just been uprooted.

Spend your mental energy getting strong, standing up for yourself, not pushing him to say he loves you (or not), caring for your daughter, quieting your mind/soul, reading/researching, pampering yourself a bit, working out (not to lose weight but to generate endorphins), going to IC, etc. Be the best kind of selfish you can be. He was destructively selfish. You can be constructively selfish. Nothing you do, in that regard, will harm you or your DD or your WH.

Good luck! And hugs.

BtraydWife posted 2/25/2014 19:17 PM

It's under BS facts

Beyondme posted 2/26/2014 14:23 PM

Oh today was not too bad went to work had a nap and presto the dreams are so vivid. Them talking hugging and laughing. Last night sitting on opposite sides of the couch watching tv. This is horrible how do you be friends with someone you still love and also hate at the same time. Does he not see i am dying inside; he knows i want an answer about us and if we are going to try but i can't ask. He doesn't know that i know the OW is gone to China never to return or at least i hope. He comes to kiss and hug my daughter goodnight and all i get is a goodnight. It kills me that he has no sympathy for what he has done. I so want to punch it out of him lol I really dread nights now i can't just live in my room. No way was our relationship that bad for this to happen and the way it happened.

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