My question is this. Sometimes I feel like I really love him. Hopeful. Happy to still be together. Appreciative of his love and new commitment to us.
Other times I feel totally "blah." Like I am going through the motions. Is this a person I really even want in my life, regardless of the A?
Is that normal? Or is that an indication that I may have moved too quickly to R after only a three week S? He was very, very unhappy with the 180 and S and, from the perspective of getting him back, worked like a charm. He was able to quickly realize that he'd lost everything, the bubble burst on the thrilling affair with a totally unsuitable partner, the shame hit lim like a ton of bricks, etc. I feel like I have my old H back and am carefully verifying everything he has told me, NC, etc.
I'm guessing this just takes time. I just feel like a phony going through the motions. Sometimes I genuinely respond to his love/affection (texts, conversations, etc.) and other times I feel like I am being insincere. I hate being insincere, I can't keep a secret, I hate telling lies. Not sure if I should be honest about my sometimes ambivalence or just wait for the next wave of loving feelings to hit. Does a more steady love come back with time? How DO you fall back in love with someone/recapture the spark?
[This message edited by kellys2014 at 11:37 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]
His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter
Married 11 1/2 yrs
D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting
kellys2014 - Sometimes I feel like I really love him. Other times I feel totally "blah." Is that normal?
Your feelings are very normal for a newbie and you will find its the new normal for not only now but it may be your reality for quite some time to come. R is not linear. Its a ball of twine twisted into a knot by a bunch of kittens! You may / will find yourself on a roller coaster of emotions (hurt, anger, despair, frustration and the blahs etc.) for years to come.
Your WS will just have to learn to adjust and get accustomed to the mood swings as you walk the road to R. After all, R is a journey, not a destination and that means that you and him have a lot of crap to work past and in that process, a lot of emotions will come out.
And yes, while you may never recover the same old giddy feelings of innocent, forever luuuve, you can find yourself in a better place with a strong and secure love if you both work at it.
I know exactly how you feel at times, and I don't think it's you, not being insincere, but actually, it's being careful. There are so many questions after this happens. A's make you question everything you've been through. The only things that I can offer that have helped me so far is, know what is your baggage together and what is now, your own baggage, yes, he may have packed it for you, but a lot of triggers, I must understand are now my own problem, and I have to work through that. it doesn't mean I can't express my triggers, but I can't lash out.
The love question, yes, I wonder if I can get it back too, the way it was, when it was so easy to love him, but I learned a great thing to remember, love is a verb and a noun, so remember you must first show love again, to feel love again. So you show your love when you're ready and you'll start to feel it again. You know when you're ready. One day it becomes easy to do something nice, and it grows from there.
Finally reading others advice and stories here on SI, has helped.
D day 9/9/2013
DS - 7 & DS - 5
It makes sense...everything is gone and we are stuck rebuilding a relationship from the beginning without the romantic "in love" first dating feeling. Because, frankly...who would be "in love" with a betrayer? We are in the middle of a relationship and expected to move on, when everything inside of us is looking for the beginning again. Getting to know someone, the flirting, the teasing, the romance, the trust, the new relationship. We are in a sense starting a new relationship backwards.
I feel like I have woken up and wondered why I want to be with him now. He lost everything that I valued the most about him. Respect, Integrity, Honesty, Moral character. Some days...I am just asking myself...what is left to be "in love" with?
For myself, the spark never really flared up into what once was. It remains just a spark. If the spark has not turned into a flame in ten years (post a) I doubt it ever will again at least for my situation. I think we both have just become accustomed to this way of life now. It seems to work.