Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Does it ever come back?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

kellys2014 posted 2/25/2014 11:36 AM

For various reasons, I have decided to R with my WS. He is doing/saying all the right things and I am 95% sure he is remorseful and totally invested in this marriage. I could be wrong, but am chosing to try this again.

My question is this. Sometimes I feel like I really love him. Hopeful. Happy to still be together. Appreciative of his love and new commitment to us.

Other times I feel totally "blah." Like I am going through the motions. Is this a person I really even want in my life, regardless of the A?

Is that normal? Or is that an indication that I may have moved too quickly to R after only a three week S? He was very, very unhappy with the 180 and S and, from the perspective of getting him back, worked like a charm. He was able to quickly realize that he'd lost everything, the bubble burst on the thrilling affair with a totally unsuitable partner, the shame hit lim like a ton of bricks, etc. I feel like I have my old H back and am carefully verifying everything he has told me, NC, etc.

I'm guessing this just takes time. I just feel like a phony going through the motions. Sometimes I genuinely respond to his love/affection (texts, conversations, etc.) and other times I feel like I am being insincere. I hate being insincere, I can't keep a secret, I hate telling lies. Not sure if I should be honest about my sometimes ambivalence or just wait for the next wave of loving feelings to hit. Does a more steady love come back with time? How DO you fall back in love with someone/recapture the spark?

[This message edited by kellys2014 at 11:37 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

HUFI-PUFI posted 2/25/2014 11:58 AM

kellys2014 - Sometimes I feel like I really love him. Other times I feel totally "blah." Is that normal?

Your feelings are very normal for a newbie and you will find its the new normal for not only now but it may be your reality for quite some time to come. R is not linear. Its a ball of twine twisted into a knot by a bunch of kittens! You may / will find yourself on a roller coaster of emotions (hurt, anger, despair, frustration and the blahs etc.) for years to come.

Your WS will just have to learn to adjust and get accustomed to the mood swings as you walk the road to R. After all, R is a journey, not a destination and that means that you and him have a lot of crap to work past and in that process, a lot of emotions will come out.

And yes, while you may never recover the same old giddy feelings of innocent, forever luuuve, you can find yourself in a better place with a strong and secure love if you both work at it.


hopelesslydvoted posted 2/25/2014 13:26 PM


I know exactly how you feel at times, and I don't think it's you, not being insincere, but actually, it's being careful. There are so many questions after this happens. A's make you question everything you've been through. The only things that I can offer that have helped me so far is, know what is your baggage together and what is now, your own baggage, yes, he may have packed it for you, but a lot of triggers, I must understand are now my own problem, and I have to work through that. it doesn't mean I can't express my triggers, but I can't lash out.

The love question, yes, I wonder if I can get it back too, the way it was, when it was so easy to love him, but I learned a great thing to remember, love is a verb and a noun, so remember you must first show love again, to feel love again. So you show your love when you're ready and you'll start to feel it again. You know when you're ready. One day it becomes easy to do something nice, and it grows from there.

Finally reading others advice and stories here on SI, has helped.

twisted posted 2/25/2014 16:03 PM

Sadly, ten yrs later, I wish I would have walked away. It will never be as it was. I have never felt she was truly remorseful or put forth the effort to fix our marriage. The kids are grown and gone now, so it's 50/50 any given day.

Mumof3 posted 2/25/2014 16:54 PM

Thank you for posting this. I read it and it reflects my feelings so much. Some days I feel really positive (6months since d day). My H is remorseful, working on IC we are also handing MC and we talk loads together. He is trying hard. Some days (like today).. He did something that annoyed/ upset me.. And I think what the hell am I doing? Do I even love this man? We have been together 18 years and married for 13. Before DDay I never doubted my love for him. I feel on my 'low' days that I'm only staying because I'm scared of leaving. Thanks for posting and good luck x

hopefulmother posted 2/25/2014 17:20 PM

16 months in and feeling the same way. I think that is a result of a spouse having an affair at this point.

It makes sense...everything is gone and we are stuck rebuilding a relationship from the beginning without the romantic "in love" first dating feeling. Because, frankly...who would be "in love" with a betrayer? We are in the middle of a relationship and expected to move on, when everything inside of us is looking for the beginning again. Getting to know someone, the flirting, the teasing, the romance, the trust, the new relationship. We are in a sense starting a new relationship backwards.

I feel like I have woken up and wondered why I want to be with him now. He lost everything that I valued the most about him. Respect, Integrity, Honesty, Moral character. Some days...I am just asking myself...what is left to be "in love" with?

hopefulmother posted 2/25/2014 17:25 PM

BTW: two months ago, I told my fWH about the ambivalence. It scared the Hell out of him. He did step up the notch a bit. Now it wasn't about him losing me because of what he did. But about him losing me because of the way I feel. For once, I felt like he valued me like he did when we got married. Like I valued him when I found out he was a selfish self serving jerk who has gratification issues like a toddler.

devasted30 posted 2/25/2014 17:32 PM

Ditto, ditto, ditto. I agree with everyone, but especially, hopefulmother. What I felt for my WS has died. But, we have 30+ years invested and I am too old to start again. Mind you, if my WS wasn't extremely remorseful and trying very hard, I don't know where I'd be then??? I hope the love returns but I cannot imagine loving someone who has done such an incredibly horrible thing to me. I didn't feel this way in the beginning. I just wanted him back. But I have learned so much since his return and, frankly, I am disgusted with myself for staying. I do care about him, but it is not the same and I really doubt it ever will be again. I hope I am wrong.

TICKED OFF posted 2/25/2014 17:38 PM

For some it all comes back and for others it simply can't or just doesn't. H has been doing most of the right things for several years now post-a. However the actual pure marraige we once had will never be as it was. It has changed now no matter how hard he has tried.

For myself, the spark never really flared up into what once was. It remains just a spark. If the spark has not turned into a flame in ten years (post a) I doubt it ever will again at least for my situation. I think we both have just become accustomed to this way of life now. It seems to work.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.