SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since we had basically no sex before DDay (ok, maybe once every 3-4 months or so for most if not all of our marriage)I'm not even sure if what we are experiencing is hysterical bonding, or just normal married-couple sex. But we've been maintaining around 3-4 times per week since DDay and we are both loving it. We've NEVER had this kind of frequency. Not even close. But I guess I'm worried since HB is a "thing" that is somewhat common, that it might be a phase that ends. What's everyone's experience with it? If it ended, why?

How was the frequency before you were married?

You two are reclaiming each other.

Mr. Happy and I have always enjoyed sex together. And we had lots of HB. Now, the frequency has slowed but it has not stopped.

It stopped during his A.

Try not to think so much about it and just enjoy each other.

I think it eventually slows for almost everyone. The crazy part (daily, twice daily) ended after a few weeks, then settled into a pattern still higher than pre-A. After a few years, that settled event more. We are now in a regular, couple times a week, would like more stage, but the intimacy is about a million times different and more intense.

That said...I wouldn't be willing to go back to a once a quarter type deal. So, you might want to be watchful and work on that in counseling.

Jovie - I'm worried since HB is a "thing" that is somewhat common, that it might be a phase that ends. What's everyone's experience with it? If it ended, why?

LF and I had a very active love life prior to my EA and yes, HB was very much present in the marriage afterwards given consideration that I was working on a FIFO rotation overseas for two years. After I came home 4 years ago, the frequency slowly started to decrease to about an average of once a week. Which given our work schedules, wasn't indicating any lack of interest as much as it reflected time and energy issues.

Sadly enough, in the past two years, that frequency has started to decline again as LF is now struggling with initiating or being assertive with her sexual feelings nowadays due to intimacy issues with our relationship. I suspect that has a lot more to do with our particular situation and is not nor can not be taken as a predictor for your own experiences.

Like Getting to Happy said, try not to over-think it too much and enjoy.

HUFI

Hi Jovie!

We were lame-os pre-D-Day having sex 1-2x month and when I look back it was like in the early stages of our marriage too. We almost seemed shy with one another. During the A, I was completely turned off from him but didn't know why. Weird eh?

And then...HB! Wow. I remember 5x in one 15-hour period! It slowed down after 3 months. We are much more regular now. It's something we need to protect bc I never want to go back to how things used to be.

So...soak it up and don't be afraid when it slows down.

HB ended for us about a month ago... but we've maintained a decent frequency that is much closer to ideal than before... (actually, still pretty good for a couple of old coots, like us! )

I remember 5x in one 15-hour period!

Yeah, that was HB for us!

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 1:47 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

One year and one week post D-Day, and still going strong. I'd like to thank that "HB" passed a long time ago, and now we're simply giving our marriage the priority it always deserved but rarely got.

If you need tips on how to bring it to an abrupt end, I recommend having a child. It'll clear that HB right up!

We are 8 months out, and have gone from nearly every day to every other or so. Never hit 5X in 15 hours -- ha ha! But, for context, we've had more sex in the past 8 months than we had in the 10 years prior. (We were 1-2x a month on avg.)

I don't think it is HB at this point -- it is more that we are far more intimate outside the bedroom, and we figured out why I wasn't feeling much desire before, even though I always loved my H and found him attractive.

It wasn't rocket science -- it was just both of us being more vulnerable, and him making me a priority.

It has been a godsend, and I am grateful every day for it.

HB came to an end very quickly after we decided to R.

Honestly, I still have a difficult time being intimate with WH six months later. It sucks. Although, we weren't extremely active before DDay (a few times a month, sometimes more,) and it had been that way for many years. It's still that way. I keep trying to put more effort forth, but it's really very hard.

WH recently (within a few months)admitted that he's a SA and I think that has had a LOT to do with my intimacy issues in our relationship... he may not have been cheating, but he was looking at porn on a regular basis and that makes me almost physically ill. I never had a problem with it until after Dday... now it's not to have any place in his life at all.

I was wondering the same thing. We were probably in the once every month or so before, and it was always a point of sadness for me. I knew my H wanted it all the time, and I just couldn't enjoy sex. Have come to learn a lot about my childhood sexual abuse and its effects on my concept of intimacy. I have been working through it with IC and my H, and have discovered what sex can be - and it's amazing.

We are over a year out, and average 5 times a week, often twice a day. There are times where I feel my old fears rear-up, I used to feel so much pressure and so inadequate at fulfilling my H's needs. Now I know what kind of relationship I want, and if I'm feeling worried, I check myself internally. I think about how wonderful sex is, and am able to make myself realize that this is safe and feels good! I am open to my H even if I'm feeling a little tired, and the closeness that it creates between us is incredibly sexy to me.

When I worry about it being HB, I fear that I'm going to feel the way I used to about sex; like it's a duty, always wondering if I'm doing it enough, wondering if I was being a strong woman etc. Now I just give in to the release of sex with a man I love. I deny insecurities and flashes of the OW, and they lessen constantly - so I assume there will be a day when those thoughts are not with me at all.

So, in order for me to be happy right now, I'm not calling our intimacy HB. I'm calling it beautiful and loving. And it feels great!

I never knew there was a term for this!!! After reading this thread I now know what HB is, and I KNOW we had it!!! Wow! It was a great time! :)

Are we still in HB? No. ;( quite depressing if you ask me. Sure wish we could experience it again and find way to never lose it... Miss that time of intimacy and connection...

HB was wonderful, but I think once the full reality sinks in, it probably slowly starts to disappear. I think it also has something to do with how deep the hurt goes and how understanding the BS is. For me, it's hard to want sex when I am so angry. For my WS, it's hard for him when he feels such guilt and I am constantly lashing out at him. It's a Catch 22.

With me, it comes and goes, but right now it's mostly gone. I sure hope it comes back because it was the closest I felt to my WS in a long time and that is definitely needed for this R to succeed.

I think once the full reality sinks in, it probably slowly starts to disappear.

I think that is what happened in our case. We are still doing fine, above average, but it did slow down about the same time I reached my first anger stage.

Ugh...I miss HB