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My night

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lucy17 posted 2/25/2014 12:31 PM

It's been a rough month. Lots of sports tournaments where last year I was left behind and ignored and space was left for another person. This year I am more involved but it's so hard. Lots of constant reminders. I am planning trips with my girlfriends where I can take a break from being this broken, betrayed person. Just 2 trips. My H and I have no debt other than our house mortgage and $400 left on little girl's dental work--cars paid off, insurance paid off, no credit card debt.... We both have pretty good paying jobs and have an okay cushion of extra money at the end of each month. One of the trips will be $400. This is so doable. Another trip is to Vegas it will be about $1000. Adding this on will be a bit of a stretch, but can be done. H has been so mad at me for choosing to spend this money and I let him be mad and have accepted it. The trips are absolutely a selfish act and I feel guilty about them, but not guilty enough (especially after all the triggers this month) to cancel my plans. Last night the shit hit the fan. I got mad. How dare he be mad at me for spending money that will effect us for 3-4 months after what he did?!! There are no lies, no manipulation, no betrayal---I just want a break. I wrote this in my journal and he asked what I was writing and I told him. He got even more mad at me. He went downstairs and punched the punching bag I got from my birthday and possibly broke his hand. Then he came upstairs crying telling me I make him feel worthless and that he just "has to take my shit." I flipped out. I completely lost it. I was shaking and out of control and told him that I was sick of not being enough for him. I make him feel worthless and he has to take my shit??? What kind of marriage is that? Why are we married. I got dressed, got in my car, and drove away by myself (the weather is snowy, icy, and below zero). I cried and screamed and yelled that I hate him and want a divorce (to myself in the car)--I can't do this anymore. Then I just wanted to die. I asked God to take me. I drove carefully though, thinking about my little girl. I drove for about an hour I guess and then decided that I needed to get home and sleep. This all happened about midnight. I had to get sleep as I have a 13 hour day of work today. H met me at the door. I told him I couldn't do this anymore. I felt like I will never be enough for him and we are fooling ourselves that this is going to work. He held me close and and told me he loved me. He told me that I have always been enough--it's always been him that wasn't enough. That's whey he had the affair--not me--him. He wasn't enough and he is so sorry. So, back to reconcilation.
I hate being so vulnerable. I hate that there are days that I've decided I'm getting a divorce and days that I've decided I'm happily married and days that I've decided that we are not married, but working on great relationship and days that I just want to curl up in a ball and not decide anything.

veronique12 posted 2/25/2014 14:58 PM

The uncertainty of everything is so hard. I am impressed that you not only arranged for trips with your friends but that you aren't canceling despite your H wanting you to. I wish I could get away like that but funds are tight with all the therapy bc of the A, kids' extracurriculars, summer camp down payments, life!

Good for you for doing these things for yourself!!

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