We have just started a season and I have been feeling ok.
Today I was on face book and there was a post about St Patricks day. I remembered her showing me photos of her in a pub on that day, all dressed up in green, but I never twigged it was during the affair. I don't take much notice of Saints days. I was curious though so I looked up the date for last year.... It was the day after they slept together
I know it might seem stupid but to realise that when she came here she had shown me photos of herself and her friends all the while knowing that just hours before she was having sex with my husband. I felt such a fool and like she must have had a good laugh at my expense. I feel sick knowing I saw pictures of her laughing so soon after, literally hours.
My only consolation was that was the day H came out of his fog. He didn't confess til much later but I always remember him out in the back garden when I woke up 'the morning after' him looking tearful and giving me a huge hug saying 'last night was awful, I am never going out without you again, I am sorry I have been so hard to live with lately, I only want to spend my time with you now, no more nights out' obviously not verbatim but pretty close.
That's one of the reasons we are still together. That look of sadness on his face and speaking those words that I took to mean he had missed me, but now know differently. In truth it was guilt over the night before but at least I got to see his shame even if I misinterpreted it cos how could I have known? All I knew was my distant husband of the previous few weeks was holding me and telling me he loved me and apologising for withdrawing from me.
Ok, he didn't tell me at the time but at least I got to see contrition the morning after so when I did find out I had that to cling to.
I must focus on that, when she was off laughing it up with my husband's scent probably still all over her he was holding me and telling me he loved me.
What a mess. I hate it when little things like this pop up. It hurts so bad. He did rush home to comfort me when I told him and we hugged and cried together. This is the hardest thing I have ever faced but I do have some comforts and I am thankful for those.