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How to trust again?

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Barni posted 2/25/2014 14:07 PM

You'll have to forgive me, as it's been awhile since I posted or commented.

WH and I have been trying to reconcile for over six months now, with good results, I believe. He's taken responsibility for his actions, been upfront and honest with me, been seeing a counselor, allowing me to get upset when I need to. It's all still very fresh in my mind.

Today, he left his phone at home on accident. Of course, I felt compelled to snoop, and saw nothing. Absolutely nothing. I sent him an email because even though I found nothing, I'm still worry that he's hiding something. He still has the old email account that started this whole nonsense in the first place and that sends up a big red flag to me.

Anyway, he said he thought I would look and he's proud to say he's got nothing to hide. When I asked about his email, he said that it's still tied to his paypal and his work (and there's proof of that, I did see work emails from his union leaders.) I want to be confident and trust that he truly isn't hiding anything, but I just can't be yet.

He sent me a big long email about how hard he's trying, that he's got nothing to hide, that he only wants me and our family. And he's been trying... he really has. He's shown me so much compassion, love and kindness... been very gentle to me and really being helpful around the house and with the childcare (I started working out of the home right before I found out about his attempt at infidelity.)

So, given all this information, can someone please help me? I want to start trusting my husband again. I want to start being more intimate with my husband again. I want to feel secure in my marriage again. I have my best friend back, but I need more... I need trust and confidence that I'm truly all he needs.

How can I start the process? I feel like we're moving forward, but that my feelings stop us from going as far as we can. I have not seen a therapist of my own, which I feel I really need to do, for more than one reason. But, apart from that, does anyone have any advice for me? How can I move forward??

Morhurt posted 2/25/2014 14:34 PM

I highly recommend IC, it's been so helpful for me. But other than that, it's time. It really just takes time. My DDay was in June and I flip flop with the trust still but I see the rebuilding happening. It's a very slow process. ((hugs))

Barni posted 2/25/2014 14:37 PM

Thank you Morhurt. I know I need to find an IC... soon. This worry is getting to the point of overtaking my life... I stress about it every day. Worry every day.

He tells me I need to start trusting him again, and I know I do, but I just don't know how, or how long it will take. I wish this had never happened. :(

annb posted 2/25/2014 14:41 PM

Barni, you are just at about the 6 month mark from D-Day. In the scheme of healing from infidelity, 6 months really is not enough time.

You cannot force has to be earned with consistent actions. Snooping on his phone or any other device is very normal at this stage.

It took me about four years to trust again, although I will never give him that blind trust again.

Be patient with yourself. What he tells you is much different than what you are feeling. If he is truly remorseful and transparent, he will go along with the flow until the trust really is just a matter of time.

Barni posted 2/25/2014 14:49 PM

Thank you annb. I'm trying to be patient, but it's so hard. I just hate feeling this way. But, I know you're right.

I wanted to try for another baby this summer. I still want to. He wants to. He even mentions it on a fairly regular basis. But, I just feel like it would be a stupid idea if I can't trust him yet, know what I mean?

We're trying to buy a house, this is a huge thing for us, for him. He's been putting so much work into building a better future for us and I see it... and I want to trust him. I want to just pretend it never happened, but I can't.

Any thoughts on the idea of trying to conceive while going through this??

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