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Feeling Worthless while my life spins out of control

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notmyselfnow posted 2/25/2014 14:41 PM

I am now suffering from SEVERE depression, mood swings, constant bouts of crying for no reason, feeling worthless and lack of motivation, i have lost my self esteem, i feel ugly and i can't take anymore.. all of this started happening a few months ago after i found out my husband of less than a year had been cheating on me with several other women and has been doing it from the very beginning.. i'm still finding evidence of more women.. to date it is 5 different women since december of 2012. i have totally fell apart. he claims he's NEVER cheated.. it was only talking/texting.. and that it was my fault because we were having "BUMPS" in our relationship. what do i do to overcome these feelings.. they are consuming me and overwhelming me daily. I have totally lost myself and desperateIy want myself back! i agreed a few weeks ago to reconcile to seek marriage counseling.. we have been a few times but he refuses to be honest even now.. i feel like I'm married to a narcissist and he's mentally controlling me and making me feel like everything is my fault.

BtraydWife posted 2/25/2014 15:04 PM

Honey you are not crying for no reason. You've been traumatized and have since been living in a hostile relationship with your WH.

He's keeping you in the crazy place. Stop the marriage counseling. Marriage advice doesn't work with a liar. He needs IC and you should make it a requirement for him staying.

You also can not reconcile with a liar. He needs to step up and get honest or he's not reconciling, he's just saying he is. Don't listen to his words, watch his actions.

There is no shame in asking for help from your doctor to help sleep, etc. But the crazy won't stop until the source of it is fixed and your WH is the source.

You can't fix him and it doesn't matter how much you want to reconcile. He has to want it. He has to want real reconciliation. Not whatever messed up version of reconciliation he thinks he can get away with.

He has you turned all around and disoriented. He likes to keep you like this because you can't act on your behalf this way. You should read the 180 in the Healing Library and start it right away.

Decide on some boundaries to protect yourself and don't waiver on them. His behavior is only to keep you around. He doesn't want things to improve.

Stop being so hard on yourself and start getting harder on him. You can always get support here, so come here often.

notmyselfnow posted 2/25/2014 15:42 PM

Thank you.. I'm working on bringing myself out of my "Funk"... it definitely helps knowing there is someone to talk to who has been through similar situations.

Breezy150 posted 2/25/2014 15:51 PM

There is one thing we all need to learn. The A is not our fault, none of it, it's not the bumps in theM or how we look or anything else. Something is broken in them and the A is 100% their fault.

I know it still hurts more than anything in the world, but you can't fix what is broken in him, and if he doesn't want to then there is nothing you can do.

Take care of yourself and believe in the end you will be ok. (((Hugs)))

Barni posted 2/25/2014 15:57 PM

I agree with BtraydWife.

My WH is a pathological liar, a trait he picked up while being the child of an alcoholic. It is not easy, you're made to feel like you're crazy. I can recall numerous times where I caught WH redhanded in a lie (albeit a small one, but it's always 100x worse when you get caught,) and he kept going, saying and doing things that literally made me feel like I was the crazy one, making shit up in my head... like I needed help.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. He needs to get IC and you need to make it a requirement. I did with my WH. And he's done it, although he started on his own before Dday, after attending a family weekend session with his father and sister where his dad was in rehab for the first time ever.

You, my dear, need to reach out to friends who you know will support you. I swear, that was the ONLY thing that kept me sane during those first few weeks. Not even my beautiful son could pull me out of what was going on inside of myself, so I'm grateful I had them. They were there to drink bottles of wine with, to cry with, to bounce ideas off of (and, yes, a few of them, one of which who is WH's cousin, thought I should leave, but were supportive in whatever decision I made.)

I think you should find a IC, reach out to friends, get out of the house and keep reading and talking here... this site was incredibly helpful. Read the 180, as mentioned. And start acting on it.... hell, maybe not come back for awhile, don't answer his calls and texts and let him think about that for awhile.

I hope I'm not being too harsh, I really don't mean to be... it's just that I know exactly how you're feeling and it sucks. It's so hard to pull yourself out of. But, you are worth so much more. Find things to do that can get you out and away from him for awhile and let him stew on that. It was a few days before my husband finally broke down and realized what he'd done and to admit to his selfish ways and problems and ever since he was honest to himself, things have started to get better... he's started to get better. This is your WHs issue, remember that (not that you aren't in it together.)

I'm so sorry you're going through this... just know that you are not alone. Set your boundaries. Be strong. You can do this. Don't let him mess up your head... make him look in the mirror.

[This message edited by Barni at 3:59 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

norabird posted 2/25/2014 16:02 PM

i agreed a few weeks ago to reconcile to seek marriage counseling.. we have been a few times but he refuses to be honest even now.. i feel like I'm married to a narcissist and he's mentally controlling me and making me feel like everything is my fault.

Sweetie, why did you agree to reconcile? He is bad for you. He makes you suffer both mentally and physically by lying to you, manipulating you, using you. This is emotional abuse.

PLEASE get some distance from him. Stop trying to 'fix' the marriage. HE is what is broken, and you can't fix him.


You can get back the vibrant happy woman you once were. But not while you are with him as he is right now. And he's certainly not changing. So you have to be strong enough to change yourself--to pull yourself together and break free of this awful codependent pattern.

You do not need him.

notmyselfnow posted 2/25/2014 17:03 PM

Thank you everyone for the kind words and ear.. i do know i need to leave this situation and fast.. problem is now that i came back he has me basically stuck.. i have no money now (no job due to medical issues with my neck) i traded my vehicle in on another one that is marital now and he refuses to let me take it.. i feel like he got me right where he wants me.. dependent on him. I think daily about how to get out and start my life without him. just hard to do when you have nothing and no way of doing it. :

doggiediva posted 2/25/2014 17:39 PM

This advice applies to me as well, this is the time to rely on family or friends for help..

I am retired, I can't work outside the home for the time being due to medical issues..

I also feel stuck (for a while anyway) because my WH is still considered financially dependent on me.. So if I filed for D at this point in time, it wouldn't bode well for my future financially..

If WH took 1/2 of my pension in a D, I would't have enough income to support myself in a new place without working full time..

If you are stuck there with WH with no vehicle than maybe a friend or family member can help you... Maybe a parent or beloved relative can come get you and let you stay with them for a while until you heal and find work or apply for/get disability payments..

Sounds like you need to get away from this environment before you can even think and work on yourself..

In the meantime, just because you are physically stuck there, you don't have to be mentally engaged with him..You can detach...

Your WH doesn't deserve to have your warmth, laughter, sex, to have things done for him by you, etc..

If your WH is or becomes physically abusive you will have to enlist the help of your local police and you will INSTANTLY have grounds for a D with complete custody of any children..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:44 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

doggiediva posted 2/25/2014 17:48 PM

And I know, SEVERE depression makes it hard for you to even THINK about DOING what is necessary to make your life change..

It takes ENERGY to go thru a whirlwind of changes, even if they are good ones...

Might be time to ask for some help from your medical caregiver after explaining to him/her what is going on with you...

sadinscotland posted 2/26/2014 04:53 AM

Hi there, I feel for you. I was/am in a similar situation. My WH was texting and e mailing other women throughout my pregnancy and after the baby was born. He has profiles on many many sex dating sites (one used a photo from our honeymoon as his picture - I had been cropped out). He claims still that he was never unfaithful to me but I'm afraid I see it differently.

I left (with the baby) and can honestly say it was the hardest and the best decision for both of us.

Once away from him I was able to see the situation much more clearly and understand that despite his accusations the situation was not my fault.

I am not myself yet, but I know that I will get there.

You are never trapped you have options. Find a safe place and get there. I am now back with my parents trying to restart my life and career.

jb3199 posted 2/26/2014 05:29 AM

Please look at sadinscotland's above post. There is a light in all the darkness around you.

You will be utterly amazed at how much better you will feel, once you put physical and emotional distance between the two of you. And once you start to regain your strength and sense of worth---NEVER LET IT GO. It was never his to take from you.

You can do this.

notmyselfnow posted 2/26/2014 08:05 AM

Trying to find a way to build up money so i can move again.. i can't take this mental anguish any longer... so tired of breaking down and feeling overwhelmed. i have tried my best to be the best wife i possibly can and i'm still being lied to, still feeling there are other women on the side. i should of NEVER reconciled with him but was taken in by the charm he was laying on me. will i ever learn? he's never going to change.. except maybe the way he creates his lies. horrible feeling when you feel stuck in a situation that is mentally destroying you.. I have No close family or friends to lean on.. gotta do this all on my own.. lord give me strength and bring me out of this nightmare!

BtraydWife posted 2/26/2014 08:30 AM

You have friends. You have us.

We have all been there. Many of us have felt trapped. Do what you can to help yourself.

See a lawyer. Many give free initial consultations. This will help by doing away with the unknown. Knowledge is power. Find out what will happen in a divorce. They may have suggestions to help you in the now. If possible, see as many lawyers in the area as you can. If you meet with them, even if you don't hire them, they can not work with your husband.

Stop being his wife. I stopped making his meals and doing his laundry. In fact I haven't done his laundry for 4 years now. He doesn't get the benefits when he doesn't behave like a husband.

Can you start some individual counseling? You could use another viewpoint and a personal cheerleader of your own. A therapist can help you work through your feelings and help you get stronger.

Can you exercise? Do whatever you can for this. Physical release helps with stress and pain and it's always good for you.

You are strong. Look at how much you have dealt with so far. You are a smart, honest, and good woman. You deserve to be treated as such.

Even if it's just the tiniest little step, you can start today to get to a better place. That's always how it starts.

norabird posted 2/26/2014 08:42 AM

Do try to see a DR and look into antidepressants. Also can't you go on medical disability? That way you'll have a small income.

If all else fails you can leave for a women's shelter. You deserve a better life than this and if you leave him it may be hard at first, but you can get there.

Could you also move back to wherever your family is?

You are stronger than you know honey. Keep focusing on your better future and taking those baby steps to get your ducks lined up in a row to leave and file for divorce.

You might be able to get that car in the D settlement too.

[This message edited by norabird at 8:42 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

sadinscotland posted 2/26/2014 08:49 AM

You can do this.

Life is too short to waste it on someone who is playing the field - real or cyber whilst married. It won't be easy but nor would staying.

I left and while it's hard ,but I simply did not trust my husband anymore. I didn't trust him to remain faithful and I didn't trust him not to be aggressive towards me and the baby. No trust = no marriage.

I am now in the odd position of looking at my life and desperately trying to recognise it as mine. I have good and bad days. But ultimately I can look myself in the mirror and know that I did my best to save the marriage but it takes two. He wasn't willing to change. He wasn't sorry he did what he did- he was just sorry I found out. The cyber world he lived in was "his private thing just for him".

I will survive this and get myself back. You will too. I am just taking it day by day, hour by hour. I am nowhere near being where I want to be but am seeing a IC and writing about what happened a lot.

This web site has helped me more than I can say. There are just so many others who have experienced the same thing. You are not alone. It might feel that way but it simply ain't so. Dig an escape tunnel. I am now on tunnel no.2. Tunnel one was to get away. Tunnel 2 is to find a new home and find work.

[This message edited by sadinscotland at 8:58 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

doggiediva posted 2/26/2014 09:46 AM

At least put some emotional distance between you and WH..
He can't force you to do anything..
If he tries you have instant grounds for fault divorce,
and as others mentioned, a women's shelter can be a viable option..
There is another poster here, I followed her for a while.. She made her escape from an abusive marriage.. Took her children with her, went to a women's shelter with not much more than the clothes on her back...With the shelter peep's help she got her own place, job ..She is connected with resources for legal help and other assistance as needed via social services (via the shelter)..
I would find the link for you ( I commented in her thread a few times) but my recent posts here that are visible to me don't go that far back...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:51 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

notmyselfnow posted 2/26/2014 14:03 PM

Thank you so much everyone for the words of encouragement. I know i'm only feeling this way because i'm letting him have control over my emotions.. TODAY IT STOPS!.. i have been checking into shelters and such.. trying to stash money.. wishing i could get disability but was denied because they feel i can do sedentary work and light duty.. ugh... good luck telling a potential employer that i'm disabled in my neck but i can try and do what i can.. doesn't work that way.. but i'm appealing it.. crossing my fingers and moving forward anyway with my escape... there is life out there and i'm determined to get it!

doggiediva posted 2/26/2014 14:14 PM

For what it is worth, from what I heard from my friends and some of my former clients, 90% of the time disability is denied the first time around...Unless you have a bad and very obvious traumatic brain injury, paralysis or something disabling that physicians can detect on the first visit, you are denied almost automatically..
You will eventually be successful in your claim if you are persistent in seeing the same physician to establish a medical trail that can be audited by the disability office.. If you haven't already, learn what it takes for appeals to be successful..

doggiediva posted 2/26/2014 14:17 PM

Do you have a good credit history?
If not take the time to get one established, before your escape if possible..
I just learned today that mine isn't as good as I thought it was..It isn't bad yet, but it is below average, meaning I could get a loan but more than likely it would have to be on the lender's terms with high interest most of the time..
Kinda ruined my day :-(

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:19 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

notmyselfnow posted 2/26/2014 14:29 PM

i've thought about that doggiediva.. unfortunately my credit isn't the greatest either... but i will figure something out..:)

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