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ProbableIceCream posted 2/25/2014 15:24 PM

So my xWW has been "concerned" about DD's behavior lately and we had a text conversation about that and I agreed that we can talk to her teacher about it. After some weird back and forth xWW revealed that she thinks it has something to do with me not talking to her any more, and "I feel like something else is going on." and "I'm your friend, not your enemy." and "I just want you to see why I'm concerned."

I replied by saying of course I was willing to do anything constructive that is good for DD, including taking things seriously, talking to the teacher, whatever, and would not withhold important information, and said the only change I could think of lately is that I was sick for a few days.

Then she said something about how I "may not like [her] very much, but we are still her parents."

I didn't address anything I didn't feel was relevant. The whole thing weirded me out a lot.

I know I could say "Hey, I'm trying to move on." but I don't feel good about that. I like this "pretend I don't hear anything irrelevant" thing (AKA 'crickets') more. It's working well.

Sigh.

This is tough to learn how to do properly. I think I executed it okay?

ProbableIceCream posted 2/25/2014 15:25 PM

FYI there is precedent for being concerned about her behavior.. it used to be kind of all over the place after the divorce and then it got a lot better (like almost perfect?) a while (for many months) after that, and we did keep in close touch with teachers and so on, so this isn't a new thing exactly.

GabyBaby posted 2/25/2014 15:39 PM

I think you handled your response(s) very well. You addressed the issues with DD without giving your xWW any ego kibbles about how you feel about her.

Well done!

cayc posted 2/25/2014 15:39 PM

She's seeking absolution. If you are buddy buddy with her, then she did nothing wrong. She is seeking validation. If you are buddy buddy with her, then she's a good mom/friend/person.

When she starts pulling the I'm your friend shit? The response is: I do not have a personal relationship with you independent of DD. We interact because you are my DD's mother and I expect you to respect your role to be a good parent to her by communicating details about her when it's appropriate. That is all that is on offer from me to you. Or some such.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/25/2014 15:42 PM

cayc, I had considered saying something like that, but as it's hard to unsay I wanted to be sure first. It's a scary thing to say and it feels like it opens up a can of worms (emotionally; logically it seems fine.)

GabyBaby posted 2/25/2014 15:45 PM

I don't necessarily think you need to state it flat out.
By responding ONLY about DD (and ignoring the friend crap) as a rule, you'll show her in action that you're a cooperative parent, but no buddy of hers.

ETA:
I say that because sometimes the flat out statement could unnecessarily inflame your ex while calmly ignoring her bullshit get the same message across.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 3:46 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

StillLivin posted 2/25/2014 15:52 PM

Bravo,
You did very well! She is fishing. Dang, where is SBB with her pond saying when you need it?
SL

cayc posted 2/25/2014 20:24 PM

I'm a fan of being blunt. If you aren't, manipulators keep pushing & fishing. You don't have to be mean when you say/text it, but every time she does this, it's really getting to you. And I think taking care of YOUR feelings matters infinitely more than worrying about her being upset.

gardenparty posted 2/25/2014 20:36 PM

I think you did a great job. Hopefully your XWW will eventually take the hint that in no way, shape or form is she your friend.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/25/2014 22:32 PM

cayc, that's a good point. It may have to come to that.

It is so damn hard detaching. I'm amazed I made it this far, as slow as it's been, but I keep pushing at it and making progress.

She still makes me really nervous sometimes.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/25/2014 22:42 PM

OK. So what do I do if she asks a polite, respectful off-topic question, not related to DD or finances or legal stuff, via text? My default is silence, but I could also say "I'd rather not discuss that." or "I'd rather stick to business."

BAB61 posted 2/25/2014 23:46 PM

Crickets to EVERYTHING that is not about kids or finances. ANYTHING else is ego kibbles, imho.

stronger08 posted 2/26/2014 01:41 AM

I'm with cayc on this one. I wish I had a dollar for every time my XW would start off a conversation about my son, engage me, then go off onto another topic about why I would not talk to her. I went years being NC with my XW because I refused to be sucked into her drama and quite frankly I no longer cared about what happened with her. Its only been in the last few months that I can have a civil conversation with her. But she would try her best to weasel herself into a conversation with me. I would always insist we keep the conversation about the child or finances regarding him. That's would always be responded to with a reply of "Your an asshole" or something like that. I also noticed that it was always when she was in between BF's that this shit would happen. Sorry honey you fired me from that job long ago. You have to be insistent and consistent, especially in the beginning. Sooner or later she will get the hint and the fishing expeditions become less frequent.