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Newest Member: LettinggoMoveon (46015)

User Topic: weird/awkward regarding NC with xWW
ProbableIceCream
♂ 37468
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my xWW has been "concerned" about DD's behavior lately and we had a text conversation about that and I agreed that we can talk to her teacher about it. After some weird back and forth xWW revealed that she thinks it has something to do with me not talking to her any more, and "I feel like something else is going on." and "I'm your friend, not your enemy." and "I just want you to see why I'm concerned."

I replied by saying of course I was willing to do anything constructive that is good for DD, including taking things seriously, talking to the teacher, whatever, and would not withhold important information, and said the only change I could think of lately is that I was sick for a few days.

Then she said something about how I "may not like [her] very much, but we are still her parents."

I didn't address anything I didn't feel was relevant. The whole thing weirded me out a lot.

I know I could say "Hey, I'm trying to move on." but I don't feel good about that. I like this "pretend I don't hear anything irrelevant" thing (AKA 'crickets') more. It's working well.

Sigh.

This is tough to learn how to do properly. I think I executed it okay?


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 850 | Registered: Nov 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ 37468
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FYI there is precedent for being concerned about her behavior.. it used to be kind of all over the place after the divorce and then it got a lot better (like almost perfect?) a while (for many months) after that, and we did keep in close touch with teachers and so on, so this isn't a new thing exactly.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 850 | Registered: Nov 2012
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you handled your response(s) very well. You addressed the issues with DD without giving your xWW any ego kibbles about how you feel about her.

Well done!


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6735 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's seeking absolution. If you are buddy buddy with her, then she did nothing wrong. She is seeking validation. If you are buddy buddy with her, then she's a good mom/friend/person.

When she starts pulling the I'm your friend shit? The response is: I do not have a personal relationship with you independent of DD. We interact because you are my DD's mother and I expect you to respect your role to be a good parent to her by communicating details about her when it's appropriate. That is all that is on offer from me to you. Or some such.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3200 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ProbableIceCream
♂ 37468
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc, I had considered saying something like that, but as it's hard to unsay I wanted to be sure first. It's a scary thing to say and it feels like it opens up a can of worms (emotionally; logically it seems fine.)


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 850 | Registered: Nov 2012
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't necessarily think you need to state it flat out.
By responding ONLY about DD (and ignoring the friend crap) as a rule, you'll show her in action that you're a cooperative parent, but no buddy of hers.

ETA:
I say that because sometimes the flat out statement could unnecessarily inflame your ex while calmly ignoring her bullshit get the same message across.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 3:46 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6735 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo,
You did very well! She is fishing. Dang, where is SBB with her pond saying when you need it?
SL


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2556 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a fan of being blunt. If you aren't, manipulators keep pushing & fishing. You don't have to be mean when you say/text it, but every time she does this, it's really getting to you. And I think taking care of YOUR feelings matters infinitely more than worrying about her being upset.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3200 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
gardenparty
12050
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you did a great job. Hopefully your XWW will eventually take the hint that in no way, shape or form is she your friend.


divorced!

Posts: 2756 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
ProbableIceCream
♂ 37468
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc, that's a good point. It may have to come to that.

It is so damn hard detaching. I'm amazed I made it this far, as slow as it's been, but I keep pushing at it and making progress.

She still makes me really nervous sometimes.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 850 | Registered: Nov 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ 37468
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK. So what do I do if she asks a polite, respectful off-topic question, not related to DD or finances or legal stuff, via text? My default is silence, but I could also say "I'd rather not discuss that." or "I'd rather stick to business."


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 850 | Registered: Nov 2012
BAB61
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets to EVERYTHING that is not about kids or finances. ANYTHING else is ego kibbles, imho.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with cayc on this one. I wish I had a dollar for every time my XW would start off a conversation about my son, engage me, then go off onto another topic about why I would not talk to her. I went years being NC with my XW because I refused to be sucked into her drama and quite frankly I no longer cared about what happened with her. Its only been in the last few months that I can have a civil conversation with her. But she would try her best to weasel herself into a conversation with me. I would always insist we keep the conversation about the child or finances regarding him. That's would always be responded to with a reply of "Your an asshole" or something like that. I also noticed that it was always when she was in between BF's that this shit would happen. Sorry honey you fired me from that job long ago. You have to be insistent and consistent, especially in the beginning. Sooner or later she will get the hint and the fishing expeditions become less frequent.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5902 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 13

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