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Is this normal? Wayward's welcome.

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PositvePolly posted 2/25/2014 15:34 PM

Hello everyone. :) I'm a long time reader, first time poster. Just reading your stories has helped me so much over the last six months. I know that many of you have been in these shoes and perhaps can offer some insight. My husband and I were separated for awhile, after a very tumultuous few years. My story is all in my profile, and it's pretty long. Forgive me for not wanting to retype! He recently moved home and asked me to give things another try. It's been a little over two weeks, and now he is having second thoughts. We have had some tearful conversations, and I have said some things that got him thinking, he says. I mentioned that I was worried that the only reason he came home is because I said I was ready to move on. I lashed out a little (Nowhere near what he is deserving of, because I have major codependency issues and find myself not wanting to hurt him, which is insane....) and this has him again thinking that our relationship is unhealthy and can't be fixed, because of who we just "are." Maybe he's right. But he said he wanted to go to therapy, both individual and marriage counseling. However, he has made no move to actually do that. It's being left to me, which is how things usually happen. Old habits and patterns....When we discussed how to move forward, we agreed that we didn't want to fall in to old, unhealthy patterns. I am trying so hard to be what he needs, without losing myself. He complained of the "clutter" in our home.....which most of our friends and family complimented as a nicely decorated home with nice things. But, I have packed and sent more boxes than I can count to various charities, libraries and friends. (Including my beloved books!!!! But they are at the library, so I can visit them when I want to.:)) He says that he needs more frequent sex. We were a two to three times a week couple, sometimes more. He wants every day, and I agreed. I actually love our physical connection. He even says it was never about being dissatisfied with our sex life. He was just always needing more of everything. More sex, more emotion, more attention....he admits that it didn't matter how much of any of this I gave, he still needed it from somewhere else. Anyway, I guess what I am asking is, is it normal to have the WS, the love of your life, finally tell you everything you ever wanted to hear, ask you to try again, and really be into it for a few weeks, and then just completely change? And he's still on the fence. He cries with me. He wants us but doesn't know if it can work. Well duh! I don't know either! But isn't that part of trying? I mean, no one knows the future! I just don't know what he expected. I have been very patient, understanding and controlled, which was much easier when he didn't live here. But it's hard to do when he IS here and snaps at me or acts suspiciously. Did he expect this to be easy? Does reconciliation after so much hurt ever actually work? Can a WS with emotional addiction issues ever really recover? He was my best friend and we were so in love for so long. 15 years, a beautiful daughter and a ton of memories. It's a lot to lose, especially if there is a chance.....

TennisTC posted 2/25/2014 16:04 PM

Welcome Polly! I'm so glad you've found SI, but I'm sorry for the reason you are here. If you haven't already, check out the BS Facts and articles in the healing library (yellow box on upper left side of page).

I read your profile and feel your pain. So your WH just ended his A when he moved back home a couple of weeks ago? If so, he is likely extremely foggy.

Has he sent a NC letter/text? Be prepared for the ow to continue contacting/trying to contact your WH. I would make it absolutely clear that contact with ow in any way, shape, or form will not be tolerated.

Also, there should be 100% transparency - your WH and his cell phone, email, social media, cell phone records, bank statements, etc. should be an open book.

In your profile you said:

I told him that I could still see a future for us, in the distant future. After many, MANY changes on his end.
but in your post above it sounds like all you guys have discussed since he returned home are changes that YOU need to make. Some freaking nerve bringing up clutter when just weeks ago he was still fucking ow!

You deserve SO much better. Don't be afraid to demand it. If your WH doesn't step up to the plate then he shouldn't get the benefit of keeping such an amazing wife. Sending you (((hugs))) and strength.

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