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roarlouder posted 2/25/2014 16:04 PM

We spoke Thursday- brief and all business as I picked up my last belongings. Then no contact until a text Sunday morning. I responded, a frustrating exchange occurred but it also reinforced my decision.

We had a brief call yesterday morning dealing with something a family member posted on FB about the state if our marriage.

No silence. He told his family. Spoke to his mother and brother briefly last night. They are mad, and sad. His mother was crying asking if there's any way we can fix(I said no).

So now I so badly want to reach out to him. I know it is bad because:
1. I am moving forward, that is looking backwards
2. He likely will say something to anger me, or ignore me
3. He may look for sympathy (his mom feels so bad for him-puke)
4. He is probably banging one of his disgusting trolls any way.

I need to do something to remind myself of how he's treated me and why I am leaving. I haven't really missed him yet until now. Of course, I miss what I thought, not what was.

Leia posted 2/25/2014 16:15 PM

I'm having one of those moments, too. My IC had me make a list of all the things that the OW is really getting. I snuck up here to get courage from the SI community as well, and read the list I made. I'm now onto the third page.

norabird posted 2/25/2014 16:18 PM

Wanting to call is understandable. But, you know who he really is--any 'comfort' would be false and cheap.

I agree with Leia that a list of his actions helps keep you grounded in the reality of his behavior instead of the fantasy of what you wish could be.

Stay strong. You'll get there. Do something nice for yourself as a distraction if you can.

roarlouder posted 2/25/2014 16:23 PM

I think now that I have crossed all my to-dos off, it just sunk in all the moments I'll never have with him. I know they were shrouded in lies any way, but I don't think I had processed yet what it means... A new life, without him. I know it means no lies... No spying...no hurt...

But it's still hard. It just hit me I will never drive home again. Never hug him, never watch another movie. The idea of doing that now makes me feel ill. It's a hard emotion to explain.

I miss what I thought I had and what I wish I could have, but at the same time the idea of it makes me feel awful.

Leia posted 2/25/2014 16:29 PM

We're on the same wavelength, roarlouder. I know what you mean and feel the same way. I really miss what I thought I had. You're not alone. From what I've read on other threads, this seems to be a "normal" thing that we all go through. Kiddos are hungry, so I'm going to replicate some bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits for dinner because it pisses STBXWH off. Due to my legal limbo, I'm trying to encourage him to move on by not providing any of his favorite dishes. Petty, but a silver lining to my clouds. Hang in there.

norabird posted 2/25/2014 16:36 PM

Mourning and grieving is a legitimate, necessary stage. Let the feelings come. Acknowledge you're sad. Acknowledge you miss him. The pain will come in waves but I like the idea that 'the cure for the pain, is the pain'. It's part of letting go and honoring your investment.

[This message edited by norabird at 4:36 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

StillLivin posted 2/25/2014 16:37 PM

I made a similar list. It's three pages long, and it's not even halfway through our M. I don't list what she is getting, but what I put up with...works for me better.
My list is what I call "Red Flags and Deal breakers that I should have left for"
When I would start to miss the good times, I would pull that list out...matter of fact may even start a thread and post that unfinished list one day.
Now, I pull that list out and annotate why I did stay...in all my glorious co-dependency state! Now, I'm working on me and trying to fix me.
I still grieve for the death of my M, but it is just that MY M. He wasn't in it. It wasn't genuine. He was a great guy, so long as everything was going his way and he was getting his way....any other time he was a selfish boob.
Make that list, and look at it daily. Then, look at it everytime you start missing him. Have a few good cries first, but then diligently pull out that list!

roarlouder posted 2/25/2014 16:41 PM

A list sounds great. Up until now I went back over my evidence- it was a good reminder.

nowiknow23 posted 2/25/2014 16:43 PM

It's completely understandable, roar, and a supremely bad idea, but you already know that.

This is part of the grieving process, honey. You have to grieve it all - the past, the future, the everyday routines, the inside jokes, the shared history... all of it.

It will take a while, but it will get better. I promise. ((((roar))))

Gemini71 posted 2/25/2014 16:59 PM

I've made a habit of copy/pasting my status updates from SI into the Journal under my profile. When I'm starting to feel weak, I re-read my entries and I'm appalled that I even considered for a moment R with STBXH.

Don't worry about his mom. He's her baby, and she will always want to see the best in him. Even Hitler's mom loved him. That's doesn't mean you have to be Eva Braun and destroy yourself to be with him.

Try to enforce your boundaries with WH and his family. It is no longer your problem what family members post on FB. You can always 'unfollow' 'unfriend' or 'block' people who upset you.

If his mom and brother want to continue a relationship with you as friends, fine. But their problems with WH are not your concern, just as your problems with WH are not theirs.

The first days of separation are hard enough without adding InLaws to the mix. Maybe it would be best to tell them that you need time to heal before they make any further contact with you.

Good luck.

roarlouder posted 2/25/2014 17:00 PM

I don't want to be sad. I want to be mad. I am so tired of sad.