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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: Anxiety and the situation
Facing the Light
♀ 29577
Member # 29577
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what a lovely morning to have a gut checked argument... Anxiety rears it lovely head and I look like a fucking moron for bringing up a topic that apparently is taboo in this house... his EA/ RA/ OA whatever the fuck it was...

I have finally figured out my problem and yes, it is anxiety.. it is not so much what he is doing, but what he could do... that sets me into a whirlwind of erroneous thoughts and imagination overdrive...

He has a business trip that is going to take him to the place where his OA/ RA works... actually not much of a big deal because I understand his work and it really is a requirement for him... but his reaction to me saying I was uncomfortable because of the past history he has there... only to have mud catapulted into my face about 'fucking so many guys they could fill a room' and berating me into a sobbing ball of 'why the hell did I say anything'.

So then he goes to work with the threat that if I continued to accuse and concern myself with what he is doing that I could leave (This btw, is his favorite line to me)...you don't like how I treat you, leave...

He thinks he is doing me a favor by reminding me that I can leave... also with the unspoken reminder that if I leave he is going to act like the biggest fuckhead jerk and deny me anything... threatening to make stuff up and get restraining orders implemented, turn kids against me change locks etc.... I tried to suggest co-parenting as a better option to what we are living now... but was met with a great big absolutely not...either I do it this way or he will make my life even more hell.

There is something else... BH has now become a card carrying member of the women are vile, useless scraps of skin that are good for sticking a penis in and nothing else... women are inferior, women have no place and he actually told me that I am an inferior being to him because I cannot lift 400lbs like he can... he also went on to say that he is the head of the house and I WILL do as he says or I can leave. We have exactly the same job, make exactly the same amount of money, spend the same amount of time caring for the children, have the same university degree.

So full circle on the follow up to the argument... either I do it his way, or I leave. He refuses to accept that I have changed... and still views me as the piece of shit I was... he says I am selfish and greedy... that I don't care about anyone else but myself....

Explanations be damned... I admitted that I am selfish but only because I don't know how else to protect myself. He says to let go... but how do I let go and become "Submissive" when I cannot feel safe in my own house... that he does not support me or care for me.

He is 100% committed to our children... which is why he stays (or better stated... why he lets me stay)

Leaving is an option but with consequences that may be too much to handle...

He says he has forgiven me and I live in a state of grace which apparently I am selfish for not being overwhelmed at. He says I should be eternally thankful for him forgiving me... but the problem is, I do not feel like he has forgiven me... He does not love me... and this becomes my sticking point. I want to accept that I will never have his love again... I fucked that up beyond any repair, but it does not stop me from wanting to be loved. He says I have the love of my children and that should be enough for any woman. He seems to thrive on my anxiety... just when I start feeling comfortable in our situation (in his words, a partnership, not a relationship)he makes sure I am not... refusing to support me emotionally despite me specifically asking him to. Just to stop all of the "how is he supposed to support you when he is hurting..." He isn't hurting anymore... he doesn't care... be very very clear of that. He makes sure that I am. I have asked him to explain to me what he expects me to do... and I get the pat response of "Don't cheat and be good to the kids"... when I ask for more and specifically of him... I am told I do not get to have any of that information...

This is a bit of a rant because I need somewhere to turn. If he finds out that I posted anything here, I am sure I will hear about airing our laundry... being weak about not being able to handle things without getting approval or validation... etc. So be it... I am an emotional wreck (which is apparently what makes him superior to me) and need someone to offer support. I do feel stuck and with no where to turn.


Me FWW
Him BH
Dday #1 02/2010
Dday #2 09/2010 - all of it revealed
Forever in limbo. He doesn't want R and he doesn't want D.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Sep 2010
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he finds out that I posted anything here, I am sure I will hear about airing our laundry... being weak about not being able to handle things without getting approval or validation... etc. So be it... I am an emotional wreck (which is apparently what makes him superior to me) and need someone to offer support. I do feel stuck and with no where to turn.

I didn't even know which paragraph to quote there is so much abuse in this relationship.

..you don't like how I treat you, leave...

He thinks he is doing me a favor by reminding me that I can leave... also with the unspoken reminder that if I leave he is going to act like the biggest fuckhead jerk and deny me anything... threatening to make stuff up and get restraining orders implemented, turn kids against me change locks etc...

but this one is pretty bad. Red flags all over that you're being abused.
Really, can you leave?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5772 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
SpotlessMind
♀ 41775
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking the same thing...can you leave? Or, if you're worried about how that will effect custody/house, can you consult a lawyer? Is your state no-fault?

Did he act like this before your As too, or is this new? If it's new, he really could be hurting and lashing out as a defense mechanism. But even then, he's being especially dysfunctional in his reactions, and there is NO excusing manipulation and abuse.

I told my husband that he knew where the door was the other day--but that was bc I perceived him being critical of the rate at which I was healing, not as a means of controlling him. It's not okay to threaten someone with restraining orders and spreading fictitious gossip.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Kyrie
♀ 41825
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't read your entire post. It just makes me sick. I know the pain he is feeling that is causing him to say such vile and awful things. But I also know that it is wrong, wrong, wrong. It's heartbreaking how he is abusing you.

And I'm sorry. But he is not 100% committed to your kids. That is a lie. If he were truly 100% committed to your children, he would have enough decency to respect their mother regardless of the pain he is in. There is absolutely no excuse.

I am so sorry (((Facing the Light))). Being betrayed is a horrible thing. I know. At times, I thought I was losing my mind. But at some point, the love I have for my fWH stopped me in my rage filled path and I knew I could not continue to punish and mistreat him. Doing so is wrong. Your H is wrong and I am so sorry he is not able to see that.


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
HotMessInTX
♀ 42417
Member # 42417
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH is hurting beyond belief and he would not in a million years consider treating me even remotely like this. I am so sorry, this breaks my heart to read. There just seems to be no good for you in this relationship. I agree with the others, this is abuse. Please consider finding a way out


DDay: 2/01/14

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You painted quite a portrait: An abusive, controlling, misogynist bully who can lift 400lbs. What a man's man!

Please consult a lawyer with experience in marital abuse. Your post is scary. Good luck.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Facing the Light
♀ 29577
Member # 29577
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all very much for reading and your suggestions... there is not much really for me to do right now...

To answer your question, yes I can leave but if I do leave it is permanent and I do so at the cost of my family and my perceived safety... this in itself is unconfirmed, but it does not override my anxiety of what he is capable of.

Just desserts: your description is perfect:An abusive, controlling, misogynist bully who can lift 400lbs. What a man's man!. What is really really sad to me is that he is very proud of himself for this.

I don't think he was like this prior to finding out about my A's but he wasn't unlike this either... he just never spoke of it. He says he was weak before and he will never be weak again.


Me FWW
Him BH
Dday #1 02/2010
Dday #2 09/2010 - all of it revealed
Forever in limbo. He doesn't want R and he doesn't want D.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Sep 2010
burntashes
♀ 29446
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((FTL)))

Sorry to hear you feel so stuck in this painful situation. Our Ddays are similar. I remember feeling that way before myself. It is a very lonely and hopeless feeling.

Nothing will change if we don't do something to change things. By continuing to live in this "partnership", you are accepting being treated this way. Can you see yourself living with a H that doesn't care about hurting you for the rest of your life? I know you fear the unknown consequence of leaving, but it couldn't be worse than the known present, and it may be less than you fear.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 381 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
3xloser
♂ 34735
Member # 34735
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you feel that you have the right to be happy? Why are you still there? It sounds to me like you should leave. You fucked up. You should do your best to fix that. You shouldn't have to suffer abuse or live in a state of anxiety.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Feb 2012
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call a lawyer...call a few and find out your rights here. Carry a var with you so when he says he will make shit up you have it on record. Then start finding out how you can detach and stay safe. I think a lot of your fear of separation comes from the unknown that will be there after it occurs. You mention not wanting to tear apart the family but how is this a healthy environment for your kids? Do you have a daughter? If his view on women is such, what kind of woman will she grow up to be knowing daddy thinks women are garbage. If you have sons do you want them to be replicas of the man he is showing himself to now be. Think about it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2811 | Registered: Oct 2012
UnexpectedSong
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FTL - I say this with love. You know this is how he is. You (and we) have known it for years. You have no desire to leave because you get a kind of validation from how he treats you. Therefore, you need to work on acceptance.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6122 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Shatteredreality
♀ 42481
Member # 42481
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there,

I'm not familiar with your story though it appears other here know you. I'm sorry you are in such a painful situation.

What you wrote about him lashing out because he thought he was weak before and doesn't want to be weak like that again, suggests that he doesn't know how to be strong in a way that is loving and compassionate so he's protecting himself in hurtful and abusive ways. These situations are so complicated especially here because you did something profoundly hurtful to him too. Even so, the level of threat and control are not ok and the idea that you should just accept it is not ok either.

I would strongly, strongly urge you to check out Steven Stosnys book Love Without Hurt, because I think it will be good for you and for your husband. The central notion is that each person has a deep unshakable core value and each person has deep wounds called core hurts. The way to stop acting out and the way to heal from harm is to find ways to get back in touch with your own deep sense of core value and to recognize it in the other person. Also to develop compassion for your own core hurts and the mistakes you make and have made,while at the same time developing compassion for the other persons transgressions as well. It is very very good about handling anger, with specific techniques for getting out of emotional crisis hurting states. This will be good for you in withstanding your husbands lashing out if he can't or won't change, but if he will read the last half of the book which his just for men it can also teach him how to turn that volcanic anger into real power and strength instead of just violence.

This book and it's techniques have been critical for my husband and me to find peace and reconciliation although I am the one with the temper and he has expressed his anger though passive aggressiveness. Even so the parts of the book about specifically male and female responses were totally enlightening to us and I think apply across all kinds of abuse situations.

Please keep yourself safe. You are not helpless and you are not at his mercy. This is such a hard situation but I really think that book can help you.

Another thought, the same author has a newer book about Living and Loving after BetrayaL. Obviously infidelity is betrayal but at the same time abuse is as well. That one might be helpful to the two of you as well, maybe get his and hers copies.?

Be well.


WS

An interviewer once asked me if I could sum up everything I know about psychology in ten words or less. I said, "Hell, I can do it in two words: People cope." --Mira Kirshenbaum


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 12

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