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Whalers11 posted 2/25/2014 18:21 PM

I have no reason to remain in contact with my ex. We have no children, and we've been separated for 4 years this month - any and all "business" has long been taken care of.

I will admit I remained in contact with him much longer than I should have. That was the co-dependent in me, and I worked on that and really felt I turned a corner on that front at about the 2.5 year mark.

He doesn't even live in town anymore since OW kicked him out, but I know he is in town every other weekend and one day a week for his visitation with OC. I have run into him occasionally, but make it a point to avoid places he might go.

I am at the point where I would be perfectly happy if I never had to see or speak to him again, or even hear his name again. I am not sure I will ever be "over" what happened, but as long as it's not in my face or anything, I function perfectly fine.

Well... after quite a while of NC with him, here he is to disrupt my life, again.

He has created ANOTHER new email address to email me. He's blocked from any method of contacting me that I could do, and he's not even really blocked from my email - no way to block on gmail - but he thinks he is, hence the new email address.

The content of the email is not relevant; it was him asking if I could do him a favor because he doesn't have anyone else he could ask and he really needs help.

What the fuck is wrong with this guy that he even thinks it's appropriate to ask me for ANYTHING?!

But here's my real problem: Crickets is not an option with this guy. Ignoring him does nothing but escalate the drama.

I have tried that many time in the past, and all that happens if I don't respond within a day or so is increased contact - he will send multiple emails from other email addresses all day long. He will call or text me from payphones or other people's phones whose numbers I don't have blocked.

When I've ignored his attempts at contact, he has started to do the same crazy harassment with my friends and family. Asking them to tell me to contact him, or ask them to pass along messages to me. That is NOT OK and I cannot have my friends and family dragged into this drama, so I usually end up giving in and talking to him - which is nothing but frustrating, upsetting and more drama.

I have tried to get a restraining order before. I was unsuccessful. He is not deemed to be "dangerous".

I am worn down. I have been in a very good place mentally lately, and now he is back again. I don't want to spend my life worry about when he is going to pop up and try to cause drama.

I'm partially venting.

But I'd also love advice if anyone has experience with dealing with someone who ramps up their crazy behavior and drama when you ignore them or give them crickets.

It was his choice not to R. He got the life he wanted. He wanted to walk away. It's been 4 fucking years. What can I do to make him go away?

[This message edited by Whalers11 at 7:21 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

careerlady posted 2/25/2014 19:04 PM

(((Whalers)))
Sounds like you've tried everything to go NC and he and the law haven't respected that. Maybe he's hoping to catch a glimmer of the old codependent you. What if you emailed him back and basically said to him what you said to us, that he shouldn't be contacting you for ANYTHING, you will NEVER voluntarily communicate with or help him, and if you ever hear from him again it will be too soon. Add also that you are documenting this contact as further evidence of harassment that you are planning to use for future RO or lawsuit (even if you won't try again). You could copy and paste this reply each time he contacts you. Maybe he'll get the hint and bugger off.

devistatedmom posted 2/25/2014 19:07 PM

I agree. Even if you can't get a RO, could you possibly have a lawyer send a cease and desist letter, letting it be known that if he contacts you again, you will sue him for (harassment? disturbing the peace? Stalking?) I'm sure there is something a lawyer could put into a letter that will be able to be carried through. Even if you don't have an address he can send, perhaps a lawyer can give you the right words to use in an email back to him so you can prove you are done with contact from him. With all the stalking laws these days, there has to be something that if you tell him to cease and desist, you should be able to legally get him to leave you alone.

Whalers11 posted 2/25/2014 19:22 PM

Hmmm...maybe the letter from a lawyer to knock it off might work. I hadn't considered that before. I am not sure if he is really afraid of legal consequences, but it might be worth a shot.

devistatedmom posted 2/25/2014 19:24 PM

We did it once with a crazy neighbour when I was a teen. It at least gave us leverage if she started up again to go to the police to show we had tried to get her to stop in the past. Can't hurt to talk to a lawyer and see. Good luck.

Tearsoflove posted 2/26/2014 01:25 AM

Is changing your email address and phone number an option? He can't contact what he doesn't have.

Amazonia posted 2/26/2014 03:04 AM

no way to block on gmail

This isn't exactly true. Just set up a filter to push his stuff directly to the trash. It will take you about 30 seconds to set up if you've never used filters before, 10 if you're familiar with them.

Let me know if you need help.

Freeme posted 2/26/2014 06:03 AM

What would he do if you were to write.

No I will not help you. Do not contact me ever again. If you do contact, I will consider it harassment and get the police involved.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:04 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

Whalers11 posted 2/26/2014 06:45 AM

I could change my email address or phone number - I really don't want to, and I don't think it would deter him anyway. He would show up at my house or my job.

I actually set up an automatic reply on gmail to fire back an email to him that looks like an "undeliverable" message, which is why he thinks he's blocked and creates new email addresses to email me.

I have been very direct with my DO NOT CONTACT me messages, and he apologizes and crawls back under his rock for a bit. Until the next time.

Pentup posted 2/26/2014 07:22 AM

I think this is a perfect use of
"No"
Being a complete sentence.
((Whalers))

PricklePatch posted 2/26/2014 07:59 AM

It's how many years later? You need to take a hard line. Step out of the drama, and simply get a lawyer and find out your rights. Change your email and have a no trespassing sign on your door. I do not know what work you do but some sign for there as well.
I was asked by my therapist long ago is this going relationship the title of your book or a chapter or at the most 2. Honestly, it is no longer your problem if you cricket him and he sends stuff to friends and family. It is his crazy. They need to make their own boundaries with him. You have to do what you have to do to stay UN stuck which means put change your email. Send out a blanket email to friends and family saying he is crazy do no engage he is still contacting. This will not stop until you take a firm stand. Many I am wrong but I think you still want to see if he contacts, it helps you stay stuck.

You were betrayed in a horrible way. My exbf cheated with my sister and brother in law knowing. It was a triple betrayal as it was with my bff. I had to nc all. Till my sister was remorseful and she ended contact with ex. If this is your friends and family allow them to make there own boundaries and stay off the Cray Cray train. Please change your stuff, and take action or take responsibility for allowing contact to continue. My thoughts may be harsh. But they are honest.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 8:07 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

sparkysable posted 2/26/2014 08:08 AM

I would think if you tell someone to never contact you again, and they continue to contact you, that you can press harassment charges.

I did this with an ex-boyfriend years ago who would not stop contacting me. I called the police and filed a report after one threatening email that I received. They took a report and called him and told him that if he ever contacted me again, that they would press harassment charges and they would place him under arrest.

I realize every state has different laws, but I'm fairly certain that someone cannot keep contacting you when you have asked them not to. If you contacted the police and they didn't do anything, it's not because they couldn't....it's because they didn't want to bother with what they considered small change. They could do it if they wanted to.

Whalers11 posted 2/26/2014 09:00 AM

It was a while ago I tried to get a RO. Maybe I should revisit it - I have a lot more documentation since then of me telling him to please not contact me but then he continues to do so.

I also will speak with a lawyer.

I just really hate that I have to put my personal business out there. I have a professional reputation to maintain.

norabird posted 2/26/2014 09:49 AM

If you can't get an RO, change your email and phone number. Drastic, but might protect you from getting these missives.

So sorry he keeps rearing his ugly head. ((((hugs))))