I feel I'm losing my mind. I cannot function. I can't sleep. I alternate between not eating for days and binge eating junk food. He will cut all contact with her he says if we get back together. Shouldn't it be before if he wants reconciliation? I think he moved out there to be with her and she rejected him. I don't think I will ever know the truth. He gave me details of the affair and the sex acts but will not allow me to even know her name or why they are supposedly no longer in a relationship.
I question why I am even still talking to him? What is wrong with me that this treatment is ok?
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
Yes he should cut off all contact with her before you ever give him a chance at R. Don't decide anything while you are so vulnerable. Take care of yourself, post here often and people will have great advice for you. I am still a newbie and on a roller coaster ride of feelings myself.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
Most of us were/are shocked by just how much damage infidelity does - how much pain it causes. Only someone who has been through it can understand - we understand.
You don't say if you have children and how they are holding up.
You are still early in this process - it takes a long time to discover the truth, to figure out what you need and what you want. You are extremely emotionally fragile right now - way to vulnerable to make decisions about reconciling. You need a few months - 6 or more actually - of peace before you can really know if you have a hop of loving or trusting him again. Your are still in the roller-coaster, with your instincts pulling you to him in the vain hope of regaining the joy you once had.
You know the answers to your own questions - before you can even think of R, he needs to completely cut all contact, come back to your city and live a completely open and transparent life. Trust needs to be earned - and it comes neither cheap nor fast after betrayal.
In the meantime, you need to heal - you need to focus on you before you can focus on the relationship. If he can't give you that time - cut the cord.
It will get better, I'm so sorry for your pain.
I am so sorry you're going thru all of this crap. It's a horrible thing to deal with. Absolutely he needs to cut things off with her- completely. There is no god reason that he needs to be in contact with her. None. He should also be completely transparent and answer ALL of your questions, including any questions about her.
Her- 43, a self-centered bitch concerned with no one but herself
DDay- July 13, 2013
Back off man- I'm a scientist!
~ Dr. Peter Venkman
I agree w/ other posters that he must end the affiar---whether there is a future for the two of you or not.
Also, I learned from talking to others that there is probably more to this story, too, so hang in there.
Also, I recommend getting std tested immediately and have him get tested too.
Cheaters lie and betray. He lied to you the first time and said "it had never happened before or since." Now you find out he actually had been having an affair? I know you aren't right now but many BS's fall into the pattern of rugsweeping their SO's lies because they just want to R and believe that their SO is truthful.
Please, please, do not rugsweep - especially how he is currently treating the situation. If he lied once, then there is a possibility he hasn't revealed everything. Give yourself some time to process this - find out everything you can, and when you do, take time to yourself to decide if you still want to be with him (that is, if he has ended the A and grown up). Yes, you may fall into limbo if you R. Yes, you will ride a rollercoaster no matter what, even if you choose to reconcile or separate. Thankfully, you have SI to help you throughout the way :)
Here is, generically, the best thing to do, if you are considering reconciliation: turn off the volume and watch the TV.
What is he DOING? Without listening to any of his "I'm sorry", "I'll do anything", and "please take me back"----what has he done?
Has he freely given...not *offered*...you his phone records? Cut off all contact with the other woman? Sought counseling?
You know the answers, they are just hard to accept. And you can't make him do these things---he has to want to do them himself. Until then, the words out of his mouth are just noise. Sorry.
I am not saying that he can't change, I am just saying that as of now, he doesn't want to change. Do not be pulled back in by a bunch of words...and maybe some crocodile tears.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Don't let him back in yet, he has not earned it. You can decide to R but do not grab at straws before you can be sure there is a committed partner on the other end of this marriage.
It takes two to reconcile. Watch his actions, ignore his words, and make him work for it.
If he will not go NC and give you her name and such, you are being chosen as plan B.
You need full transparency. Phone records, CC records, bank transactions, email and social media passwords...Honesty and Transparency.
And like another poster said, watch his actions, skip the words.
And if he continues to protect his slut, just know that he is doing this at your expense.
Please don't be a doormat, you are worth so much more than that.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Most A's follow a pattern and there are so many people on this site who have gone through what you're going through now. Their advice is usually spot on.
He swears he's not with her now and will do anything to reconcile with me.
Then what he needs to do is drop her completely. Absolutely no contact with her at all. She's in the picture or you are, his choice.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.