SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Feeldisposable posted 2/25/2014 19:56 PM

This is my first post and I am wrecked so I apologize for any rambling or bad formatting. I discovered a hooker's number on his phone log on labour day weekend. He denied seeing her but I pushed and he finally came clean. He swore up and down that it was a one time mistake and that it had never happened before or since. We have been living separately since then. But we keep talking reconciliation. He moved away for work. Far. But we remained talking and working things out. I have been pushing to see the last year of his phone records to search for any other late night professional numbers. Yesterday he texted me that the reason he has been hiding his phone records is that he has been having an affair since May 2013. He swears he's not with her now and will do anything to reconcile with me. He is offering open access to his phone, computer, everything. Here's the kicker.....he is living in her city and still talking to and seeing her. But of course they're just friends.

I feel I'm losing my mind. I cannot function. I can't sleep. I alternate between not eating for days and binge eating junk food. He will cut all contact with her he says if we get back together. Shouldn't it be before if he wants reconciliation? I think he moved out there to be with her and she rejected him. I don't think I will ever know the truth. He gave me details of the affair and the sex acts but will not allow me to even know her name or why they are supposedly no longer in a relationship.

I question why I am even still talking to him? What is wrong with me that this treatment is ok?

Lovedyoumore posted 2/25/2014 20:08 PM

Are you married? Have children? How long have you been together? Either way, this is not ok and it is not remorseful.

Breezy150 posted 2/25/2014 20:12 PM

I am so sorry, and this is terrible treatment that did nothing to deserve.

Yes he should cut off all contact with her before you ever give him a chance at R. Don't decide anything while you are so vulnerable. Take care of yourself, post here often and people will have great advice for you. I am still a newbie and on a roller coaster ride of feelings myself.

(((Hug)))

Daddo posted 2/25/2014 20:14 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you found this forum though - you will get a lot of support and advice here.

Most of us were/are shocked by just how much damage infidelity does - how much pain it causes. Only someone who has been through it can understand - we understand.

You don't say if you have children and how they are holding up.

You are still early in this process - it takes a long time to discover the truth, to figure out what you need and what you want. You are extremely emotionally fragile right now - way to vulnerable to make decisions about reconciling. You need a few months - 6 or more actually - of peace before you can really know if you have a hop of loving or trusting him again. Your are still in the roller-coaster, with your instincts pulling you to him in the vain hope of regaining the joy you once had.

You know the answers to your own questions - before you can even think of R, he needs to completely cut all contact, come back to your city and live a completely open and transparent life. Trust needs to be earned - and it comes neither cheap nor fast after betrayal.

In the meantime, you need to heal - you need to focus on you before you can focus on the relationship. If he can't give you that time - cut the cord.

It will get better, I'm so sorry for your pain.

MoonLitSmile posted 2/25/2014 21:02 PM

(((Feel disposable)))

I am so sorry you're going thru all of this crap. It's a horrible thing to deal with. Absolutely he needs to cut things off with her- completely. There is no god reason that he needs to be in contact with her. None. He should also be completely transparent and answer ALL of your questions, including any questions about her.

MomtoRoses posted 2/25/2014 21:05 PM

Ugh. So sorry.

I agree w/ other posters that he must end the affiar---whether there is a future for the two of you or not.
Also, I learned from talking to others that there is probably more to this story, too, so hang in there.

Also, I recommend getting std tested immediately and have him get tested too.

lilmonkey posted 2/25/2014 22:13 PM

This treatment is not ok. He should end the A regardless if he thinks you're going to give him a shot or not. If he was truly remorseful and wanted to fix this, he wouldn't be living in her city and keeping in contact with her. The excuse "I'm only willing to end it if you'll move on" is not enough, and is actually really offensive.

Cheaters lie and betray. He lied to you the first time and said "it had never happened before or since." Now you find out he actually had been having an affair? I know you aren't right now but many BS's fall into the pattern of rugsweeping their SO's lies because they just want to R and believe that their SO is truthful.

Please, please, do not rugsweep - especially how he is currently treating the situation. If he lied once, then there is a possibility he hasn't revealed everything. Give yourself some time to process this - find out everything you can, and when you do, take time to yourself to decide if you still want to be with him (that is, if he has ended the A and grown up). Yes, you may fall into limbo if you R. Yes, you will ride a rollercoaster no matter what, even if you choose to reconcile or separate. Thankfully, you have SI to help you throughout the way :)

jb3199 posted 2/26/2014 05:45 AM

Sorry that you find yourself here. But if you stick with us for awhile, you will learn a lot of dos and don'ts when trying to get yourself to a better mental place.

Here is, generically, the best thing to do, if you are considering reconciliation: turn off the volume and watch the TV.

What is he DOING? Without listening to any of his "I'm sorry", "I'll do anything", and "please take me back"----what has he done?

Has he freely given...not *offered*...you his phone records? Cut off all contact with the other woman? Sought counseling?

You know the answers, they are just hard to accept. And you can't make him do these things---he has to want to do them himself. Until then, the words out of his mouth are just noise. Sorry.

I am not saying that he can't change, I am just saying that as of now, he doesn't want to change. Do not be pulled back in by a bunch of words...and maybe some crocodile tears.

Stay strong.

norabird posted 2/26/2014 08:48 AM

I would seriously worry that he's only crawling back to you as plan b. He also, as others mention, cannot be back with you unless you know who the affair partner is and until he ends the 'friendship'. His not doing so means he is still in the affair fog.

Don't let him back in yet, he has not earned it. You can decide to R but do not grab at straws before you can be sure there is a committed partner on the other end of this marriage.

It takes two to reconcile. Watch his actions, ignore his words, and make him work for it.

Getting to Happy posted 2/26/2014 10:57 AM

Please don't let him have any secrets with his whore. That will ruin R.

If he will not go NC and give you her name and such, you are being chosen as plan B.

You need full transparency. Phone records, CC records, bank transactions, email and social media passwords...Honesty and Transparency.

And like another poster said, watch his actions, skip the words.

And if he continues to protect his slut, just know that he is doing this at your expense.

Please don't be a doormat, you are worth so much more than that.

(((((Feeldisposable)))))

veronique12 posted 2/26/2014 11:12 AM

I'm so sorry. Everyone here knows the pain that you're feeling and we are here to listen. The other posters have given great advice so I won't repeat it. I would just add one thing: be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to learn the facts of the A, to watch his actions (not listen to his words), and if something feels wrong in your gut, that's because it probably is. Don't accept what feels wrong to you because of fear.

Most A's follow a pattern and there are so many people on this site who have gone through what you're going through now. Their advice is usually spot on.

BtraydWife posted 2/26/2014 11:15 AM

He swears he's not with her now and will do anything to reconcile with me.

Then what he needs to do is drop her completely. Absolutely no contact with her at all. She's in the picture or you are, his choice.