So i thought i was doing well and looking forward to renewing my vows with a clean slate. It is what i want after all but for two days now i have been in deep depression and inner prayer. We talked about some things from the past and she told me a disturbing thing that she omitted before. She told one AP that i post on SI. She can't remeber if she told AP my s/n here but she said she remembered mentioning that i post here.
After another hour of conversation and reassuring her that i still wanted to move forward with the renewing of the vows. I told her that i did need some time to absorb and deal with this new/old issue. She apologized repeatedly and i assured her that i admired her courage in sharing that with me after so long. I know it was not easy for her to do but i do appreciate her sharing even with the doubt she held about it. At the same time it crushed my spirit, it gave me even more hope for our marriage.
I explained to her that admission still scarred me but i was grateful for the truth. I told her that i just needed a little alone time to deal with this within myself. I went for a walk and once alone in a secluded spot. I cursed and had a tantrum. I didn't want her to see me hurting and lose faith in our way. I started to post here that night but i was in no condition to be sensible.
So the point is that now i wrestle with the insecurity of doubt. Am i holding her back from someone or somewhere she truly wants to be?
That IMO would be a great betrayal to do to someone you love. That question is what has been bouncing in my head now for 2 days.
As far as AP possibly knowing my s/n here. That is just as disturbing. I always had my suspicions about that but now i know. I assure anyone & everyone that i am not suicidal. It's just that at times like this the flood almost seems more than i can bare and make me feel like cashing in. Almost anything to just keep from drowning. Over and over again..........
I also feel a little better to let this out here. So there is my silver lining in those dark clouds overhead. I will deal with the rest of this another day.