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please comfort me part two

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joannie posted 2/26/2014 00:11 AM

Well my husband came home in a bad mood, found out he had phoned her just ( checked it out ) now so that is why for one reason, he said that if i wanted to make a go of it i should not have rang the OW, maybe that is right, but i had to know if my daughter in law as telling the truth, still unsure. In his bad mood he says that nothing has changed and I am going to act like mrs lovley for 2 weeks to see if it helps, not going to mention OW, just going to be nice. he could not have slept further away on the bed last night..but he always has sulked, 1% better just now before he left for work. Maybe he is right about things i probably did make it worse by ringing her ..lets see now what happens, two weeks is not long to wait and see after all i have been through, do know must not drink as i get in the mood to call her, do see he thinks about himself more than anyone now. Hope is still flickering inside me a bit, life is lonely but have three friends here how sad we lost the others. Life cannot get worse only better . Do l want to feel like this all the time NO, do i want us together YES , feeling 1% better, but not ready to make big decisions

authenticnow posted 2/26/2014 06:04 AM


You cannot 'nice' him back. He's being an asshole and mistreating you and exploiting your generosity. He's mad at YOU for contacting OW? Total blameshifting.

Please read the 180 and implement it. It's in the healing library under BS FAQs.

Don't let him treat you this way, you deserve more.

Alex CR posted 2/26/2014 06:30 AM

(((joannie)))....please read the 180 and believe you deserve to be treated so much better ....he doesn't get to call the shots after he's broken all the rules and treat you badly. A truly remorseful WS would not act like this.

You are stronger than you think and you can survive, with or without him.

Take care and hard 180.......

joannie posted 2/26/2014 06:35 AM

read the 180 at last and a lot of it is me..needy, weak , pathetic by keep on asking for reassurance for the future, thinking it is all about me..even when he argues with our son. yes I ring him up and ask how is his day going,tell him i love him so many times a day as i need to hear him say it....i do not shout but do follow him around a bit...will try my best, have nothing to loose and maybe will gain something. he did call the cow 3 times this morning , is that as i rang her up to ask her what she said to my daughter in law,? the cow did say she still loves my husband ..even though she has a new will be a bit hard to do 180 today, but will try. Am so tired of feeling a nervous wreck i will go for 180 big time..BUT have i made it worse by calling her ...feel that if i had not maybe he would not have spoken to her, are you two kind responders still married or how did you move on need all advice...

[This message edited by joannie at 6:37 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

sadinscotland posted 2/26/2014 06:51 AM

Hi there,
Are you French? Or just living there? I was in France (trailing spouse ) for a year and a half living in a tiny little village outside Paris.
I liked it but can completely appreciate the "joys" of small town life. Gossip x 100 especially if you are not francais. But to be honest the same is true of anywhere in the world. It was a bit lonely and the language was a tough road to learn.

Look I know it's hard but you must think about you and only you at the moment. Being nice and sweeping the whole situation under a rug won't work long term (if at all) I tried this twice and self hypnotised myself into believing everything was fine. It wasn't. I realised this after catching myself checking his phone and computer obsessively every time he was upstairs bathing the baby.

If you are not French and are living in France then perhaps you are in the same situation I was- my husband was the only English speaking person I knew. I felt very isolated and relied on him for my conversation and banter. I had other contacts but the language made making real friends very difficult. I felt that 90% of my personality just didn't translate and that I wasn't myself most of the time. My husband knew how important he was to my situation in France. He behaved appallingly regardless.

My WH got 5 chances (I wish I had seen the light earlier) he cyber cheated 3x and was aggressive to myself and the baby 2x. I stayed and stayed believing that I had to make the relationship work. I had to fix it. If I just accepted the situation surely he would come good…If I cooked more, if we had more sex, if I was more gentle and supportive, if I complained less blah blah blah. In the end he asked me to leave "I just want you to go and I never want to see you again" I had me and the baby's flights booked in minutes flat.

And with that my eyes opened to the utterly toxic situation I had been surviving in. I woke up and saw through all of the crazy blame shifting nonsense I had been trying to rationalise.

You need to wake up too. Is there somewhere you could go for a few days? A Friends house? A hotel? Take a moment to see what is happening with complete clarity. Do what is best for you.

joannie posted 2/26/2014 07:07 AM

Hi I am British, we had friends but lost a lot of them , now I have just 3 here, one just off to Australia for a month ! the other two must be sick of my whining. met one today for coffee at local village market, she shouted at me to toughen up, think about me and said she had wanted to do that for a long time, it is making her mad to see me suffer and still have hope..but i do..i do have hope even though sometimes i think it not going to last. strength of last post dwindling, sitting here sobbing and ask however did it come to this after 34 years. Why does the cow tell me she still loves MY husband..why did he have to call her again today..yes yesterday i can just about get to grips with after i called her..but today, down in dumps , have maybe 4 hours at least before he comes home, just feel so sad for how life turns us upside down where do you find the strength to go on alone or stay sane while clinging on to hope...

sadinscotland posted 2/26/2014 12:56 PM

See the thing is you will never be ready to make big decisions. They don't wait for you to be ready- they just ambush you.

Take a moment to write down all of the facts - what happened when and look at the situation you are in from a purely factual point of view.

I see that you still love him. That you still hope against hope everything will be fine, but what do the facts show you?

You get one life. It's way too precious to waste on someone who really doesn't care. You are stronger than you know.
Do the 180 it works. But part of me feels you would be better off getting out of this very toxic environment.

thinking of you

BtraydWife posted 2/26/2014 13:11 PM

In his bad mood he says that nothing has changed and I am going to act like mrs lovley for 2 weeks to see if it helps

No No No NO No!!!!

The thing that needs to change is HIM!!! Not you!! He didn't need to called the OW. He used your call as an excuse to get away with calling her. 3 times? What?

Your friend is upset because you are allowing yourself to be mistreated by your WH. She cares for you and your pain hurts her as well.

Stop treating him like he is the man you married. Stop acting like you are lucky he is around. He is the lucky one. Lucky you haven't kicked him out yet!

Let go of the fact that you called OW. It was a mistake. Just don't do it again but no need to harp on yourself for it. And he certainly doesn't get to chastise you like a child for doing it. He needs to go kick dirt.

Ok it's great you are going to start the 180. One step at a time. Every little bit will help you get stronger.

Repeat this to yourself.
You do not need him to feel good about yourself.

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